the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

tale of every girl *sigh*

every girl needs her love story. thats the plain truth. no matter how hard they try to deny it, no matter what she looks like on the exterior, somewhere inside her is that little girl who has grown up thinking about a love story one day. blame it on the romantic love stories we have grown up watching. i remember feeling goosebumps when i saw raj fighting for simran on that station and i was five then! ever since then, there has been on thing or the other. and as if the movies werent enough, there are romantic novels that have love stories of ever lasting love. and you cant really blame me for that. there is a girl out there who finds a random bottle on beach and ends up with a guy who loves her crazily. sure, he dies eventually but she does spend some time being loved like sunshine! there is even one sending her letters from the dead! sure you can switch the tv off and shut down the book and dump it far end corner of your drawer and then, your friends walk in with their tales of being swooned by someone! what is a girl supposed to do then? there is nothing better and worse than a real life full on love story and someone like me who hears at least five of them daily in different stages, life is not that easy.
and just when i thought i was the only one left all alone in this big bad world, i realized something. now i know that at end of the day, in every girl lies that hope that someday she will find a guy who will love her for what she is. true? i dunno. i am still to find that out but i am just amazed at it. i had thought i had snubbed that little girl me into a little nook somewhere, never to emerge again. or maybe she had just left. but i realized she didnt. she was here, all the time. and so is she inside every woman out there. every girl is looking for her love story if she hasnt found one yet. no matter how, no matter where, the sense of being the one thought about, being cared and loved and most importantly being important is what every girl wishes for and certainly deserves. does every girl find it? i wish i could say yes. does any girl ever give up the hope? hell no!!! even the career oriented modern girls who dont want a man to support them do want a man to go on with them through life. the idea of a love story is different for every girl, for sure but it is there in every girl's heart.
so if you are a girl, thinking about your love story and at times frustrated with your undying hope of finding someone who will love and care for you like you mean everything to him then dont be. you are not the only one :)
and for those who have already found one, cheers!!!! 

hues of purple

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again... 

finding love

well, i recently came across a story of  two people madly in love with each other. there is nothing new about that bit. they both met at 14, married young and lived a happy life for few years. and then, everything else caught up. work, appointments, deadlines, chores etc etc etc took up that part of life which was meant to be for love. love stayed or died away, i don't know about that but marriage did fall apart. years of separation later, they both run into each other again. well, while the wife was smarting under the awkwardness of situation, the guy, well, he just stared at her. he looked at her and fell in love, again. you see, the guy had amnesia and over those years, he had lost pretty much all his memories. but he met his ex wife and just like so many years ago, fell in love with her again, wondering all the time what could have possibly gone wrong in the world for him to want to leave such a person.

that says something about love, now, doesn't it. we all find it at sometime and we all do something to lose it. some of us get a chance to make up for our mistakes while others aren't so lucky. but the point is that love does exist all the time but sometimes it is forced to take a back seat what with everything else seeming to be so much more important in our life. maybe its human tendency to seek love but take it for granted as soon as we get it.

so if you love someone but have been wondering about righteousness of the whole thing for some time, stop and look again, think few years hence when maybe you wont have the baggage of life. close your eyes and try to look for that person you fell in love with the first time. i am sure beneath all the tensions and everything else going on, you will find that person still waiting for you right there with same look in their eyes that had you hooked the first time!!!! (cuz like it or not, all of us cant be amnesiac)

the friend

DISCLAIMER-  this post is totally a work of fiction and has no truth behind it, but anyone who can even remotely relate to the piece of art, is welcome to share their views. proceed at your own risk!!! 

 (you have been warned)

                                                              

i hate romantic books cuz they make me feel weird. but i love romantic movies. they have a different feel to them. and almost all the movies of this genre seem to have one thing in common, i mean almost all, The Friend. there is always this ridiculously handsome guy who is great and always has an easy way with women. he meets and parts ways with them. love comes and goes from his life and everything goes on. but all this time, there is one person who stays. thats The Friend. sometimes she is in the backdrop and sometimes she is the main protagonist. but the point is that for that guy, she is always this constant presence that he barely recognizes. she is with him through all the love ties he has but she is someone who is taken for granted by the man she not only loves but who happens to be her best friend, which in my dictionary, stakes higher than love. to hell with the fact that sometimes she may get her love in the end and sometimes she may not. thats for the director to decide. but no one seems to notice her pain and feelings of all those years that are stuck up and she has made through her life with them. she sees him fall for someone, smiles indulgently when he declares he is in love with her, looks upon with painful pleasure when he decides to live happily ever after with that other girl ( mostly a  hot blonde chick) and is there when he comes back heart broken. she looks after him, mends his heart painstakingly and makes it capable of loving someone again. but for what? just so that he can go out and give it to someone else. and it doesnt matter how many times this happens before the guy realizes that she is the one! i am not talking about the consequences here, i am talking about the painful process.

                                                                         

who says a girl and a boy can't be just friends? i am a *the friend* and, honestly,  i am tired of it. i am tired of listening other people talk about their love lives, through their break ups and make ups. i am tired of helping him out pick up the right present, the correct venue for her surprise party, of listening him babble continuously about her. i dont want to be just 'the friend' any  more. i want to be more. i want to be special someone for somebody, i want to be someone that somebody waits for, not someone who waits with him for someone else and fades into the darkness of background once she arrives. i want be the subject of someone's dreams not someone who gets a detailed commentary of the dream which was all about her. i want to be the destination, not the path leading up to it...

paths long lost

she was tapping the steering wheel. it was a nuisance of a habit, especially when she was anxious and no mater how much she tried to contain herself, the anxiety was too much to hold. it was a short drive and she didnt know if that bothered her more or made things better for her. jeez, it had been long. almost ten months. she hadnt seen him, not heard from him until the previous week and today, all of a sudden, she was gonna meet him. she had fantasised about this moment for ages and when finally that moment came, she had no clue if she was happy, worried, anxious, tensed or any other emotion cuz somehow whatever she was going through at that moment, she had never felt before.

she stopped at a signal. waiting impatiently, she got thinking about the day when she met him for the first time. that first time and she was smitten. initially it had felt like a simple urge to be someone's friend, then as to friend's teasings, it became a 'crush'. but she had no clue, when in all those years, that little spot of concern changed to love. she remembered the first time she realised she was in love. she had been scared. love had not felt anything like it shud have. no violins, no sunny days, no daisies and butterflies, no constant smile on hre face. nothing at all! if anything, love was constant trial for her, constant pain, constant effort. something was wrong somewhere obviously, but she never let her mind to much talking when it came to him. and her heart, well, it always got her into trouble.
even that day, when he got mad at her, left her, wished she had never come into his life while she prayed all day to be able to be a part of his life forever, even that day, all her heart did was cry for him, not because of him. yes, her heart always got her into trouble.
she wondered, if todays was gonna be similar. but turning all those thoughts aside, she felt today wont be the same. today everything was going to be different, today she would get to say all that she had wanted to say for five years. yes, five long years, she had kept this to herself, through his relationship and breakup with other people, all that time her heart had been yearning for him. but today, she was gonna tell him ho wmuch she loved him, she still loved him and always will. and even though over last couple of months she had convinced herself to the contrary, last week, his very name on phone brought back emotions like swarms of flies. yes, today was finally gonna be a happy moment.

cars behind her were honking like crazy. signal had turned green and people were beginning to wonder that the driver had fainted or something. she hurriedly moved on, mumbling apologies. outside the cafe, she checked herself in the mirror twice, cut off the engine and sat in car quietly. this was it. and yet it didnt feel like that. her heart was going crazy, er crazier. for one wild moment, she wanted to turn away and run. but her feet ditched her. love was too powerful. what was going through her mind, she had no clue. where was she going, she had no clue either. she wasnt aware of her surroundings, of anyone except that face she wanted to look at for so long now, that face which she was sure would smile to look at her. how could it now, he sounded genuinely excited to meet her, desperate, happy. apologetic for his behaviour, probably not. but she didnt want that either. being able to see him again was too much for her.
and finally she saw him. sitting at corner table, in that peach shirt, he looked just like he did ten months ago. it had been so long and yet didnt feel that way. this was crazy. this didnt make any sense. he looked up and a smile cracked on his face, she smiled back. her heart melted sooner than ice cream on a hot june day at sight of that smile. what followed was bizarre. one moment she was smiling, next mo, she wanted to cry. she was totally out of her mind. perhaps she hadnt brought her mind with her. made sense, it was heart;s job, mind was not needed!!! he stood up as she reached the table, with a warm handshake. unsure what to say. she didnt know what would take him aback less- 'i missed u like crazy, dont ever leave me again' or 'i love you like crazy, dont ever leave me again'. they both just looked at each other. alright, she couldnt contain it any longer. 'um, p....' before she could say his name, he stood up. she looke up to see.
before she could gather her senses, he said, 'you are late, as usual!!!! by the way, meet her. this is payal, my friend from school, best friend from school! and payal, meet her. she is rohini, my girlfriend. love of my life!'

she wasnt sure about next but somewhere a glass shattered....



P.S. extremely sorry for such a long post. if there are people who left midway, i understand. although you wont be able to see my apology either. good/bad attempt, i dunno. just wanted to write it. and since i have already written such a long post, i guess i don not really deserve to bore people with a tag that is my first one, thanks to our very dear Buckingfastard. maybe next time!!! :)

P.P.S. sorrry for equally long P.S.

cupid, i dont like u much!!!

                                                             
 okay, the title may sound weird at first but trust me, i am a normal girl with no qualm whatsoever with love and associated feelings. infact, i would love to fall in love one day, like all other fellow human beings out there. but yeah, there is somethng in this relation that i do not like. what i don tlike is the initial phases of a thing, just when feelings ae kindling up, just when you are beginning to realise about your feelibgs for someone. call me weird, but thats how it is....
i hate having a crush on someone!!!! i do, i really do!!! okay, to have someone you think about often, which might give you incentive towards something might sound like just added advantages to the fact the your heart is warming up to someone and opening itself to new vistas of life, right? no!!i doesnt.not to  me anyway!. what i think of having crush on someone is that you become constantly aware of someone's presence or absence. what they or how they behave becomes so much more important than it is.you start evaluating their every action with much more detail, much more than you do yours!!!! everything you do, somehow tracks youback to the thought that how might that action of yours affect that person!! now comeon, how well have you done on your exam, tht could not, in whole wide world, affect your crush's feelings. but no, thought is a far fetched thing during that phase of life.
and dont even get me started on what happens when the person u have a crush is in the same room as you. besides the usual tripping, just cuz you were not apying attention to where you were going(do i need to elaborate what were you doing when u werent watching your step!!!), making a fool of yourself in front of an entire room full of people and ofcourse that one blessed read darn soul too, your walk is altered, you cant walk straight neither can keep a straight face even if you are trying your level best to ignore snide remarks or sniggers of your friends at your altered attitude and ofcourse previous tripping session. work at hand seems so less important once that person walks in and yet you try, maybe not frantically, but in subtle ways to work it out in such a way that your crush will notice you. pretty dumb, huh?? not to someone who's been smitten by the love bug!! constant teasing , constant poking, constant craning of neck to see where that one person is, constant loss of attention in your conversation cuz your ears are trying to pick up fragements of conversation going on in other part of room-this is all a part of package deal of CRUSH!!!

but more than all these things what i hate the most about having a crush on someone tht it ruins your chances of having an issueless friendship with someone. and if you, somehow, develop a crush for a friend, well, in some part of wrold that might be a happy scenario, but not in my nook of univrese. i think having feelings associated with a friend complicated matters more than you sign up for.. it does affect friendship somewhere. the pangs of jealousy when your friend mentions othre people, a constant joke of finding each other a corresponding girlfriend/boyfriend starts hurting you when it shouldnt. objectivity goes away from what you say to them and how they respond to your things!!
although crush in itself sounds bad to me, even worse situation is, yes there is a worst case scenario, is when you cant pluck enough courage to tell that person how much he/she means to you. you stand there, waiting for them to somehow seee things you cant bring yourself up to say, for watever reasons. and when they dont, all you are left with is a hurt heart, bruised dignity and a throbbing toe!!

and yet you cant help the stupid thing!! you cant help the warmth that comes to your face when you see that person, you cant suppress the smile when that one person throws back his/her head to laugh at a joke!!! you cant, you just cant help it at all!!!! see what a vicious circle it is!!!
no wonder i hate it!!!

P.S. all the above mentiopned conditions are a result of my case studies on specimens of species homo sapiens going through this condition at some point of time. any resemblance with any person, known or unknown, is purely coincidental. no section of this writing bears any connection to the author except the fact that she thought of all the wonderfull words in her own little head!!