a crystal bottle, a thousand worlds, a million shards

i wish i had a crystal bottle with sharp cuts and smooth curves. silhouettes of angles and bends, brilliance of glass, as fragile as astounding. stories untold, unseen held within, stories heard and seen treasured inside the glass mansion built with crystals of mind, body and soul to hold memories, hopes, aspirations, desires, anguish, torments, tears, laughter and smiles.  i'd look at it, for hours, a lifetime cramped into those minutes, a lifetime spent in those hours. every now and then, a ray of light would fall on it. caught off guard. amplified. reflected. dazzled. broken into brilliance of millions of shimmers. blob of illumination for sometime. lost into nothingness the next moment.
i'd save it. keeping it away from world and everything else. i'd carry it with me everywhere. i'd keep it hidden in the deepest corner of my existence. it'd be mine. whenever i wished, i'd take it out. flaunt it to acknowledgement of existence then stow it back into bliss of secrecy. it'd have a cork. stopper on all the tides. it'd hold an ocean in it. the cork would be tight. the ocean would be immense.
i'd shake it. a thousand jingles would come to life. i'd put my ear to it and all will be silent. there'd be whispers, there'd be prayers. there'd be promises, unsaid, hushed, forgotten. there'd be jokes, there'd be laughter, stifled, old, dead. there'd be shouts, there'd be songs, there'd be silence. there'd be clatter of rain drops, millions of them, abandoned by the sky, falling on a dark night, cry of sky's broken heart, opening up, a grimace of clouds, illuminated with a wave of lightening rippling through sky.
i'd open it and wafts would spill out. lighter than dreams, more inconspicuous than fragrances, more vivid than realities. there'd be smell of a lover, the scent of his existence seeping in through every pore of me as i lay next to him, smell of love, passion, reluctance, desire and ecstasy  there'd be smell of that damp room, as i sat listening to silence of night, smell of sea as tides laugh with each other, mocking my insignificance. there'd be smell of my mother, as i snuggle into her back, clinging to her dress, feeling soundless rustle of her shirt between my fingers, filled with dread, overcome with calm.
i'd look into it and the ocean will be raging. there'd be horizon holding blue of ocean and abyss of sky. the world and everything beyond. endless possibilities. orange of sunrise, gleam of light travelling thousands of miles, falling at my feet, seven colors fused together into one, silver when peeking from behind the clouds, black of depth of sea, darker in its silence than in color, there'd be color of your eyes, as you look away, lost in your thought. there'd be the world i'd watch from corner of my eye.
and then, i'd put the cork back. the sounds would stop. scents would descend back into oblivion, scenes would dissolve. strand by strand. and then, there will be nothing. just the crystal bottle. unfazed, intact, beautiful. i'd cork the world and all its brilliance into that crystal bottle, stow away universes and their secrets with one sweep of hand, discard deepest sorrows and biggest joys with a flick. it'd be mine to hold, and mine to shatter, into million shards, send it back to the smoldering furnace that made it, reduce it to specks of soil, mix it back with dirt under my feet, to unleash million more stories or break a thousand worlds.

one of those days...

one of those days,

when the truths hurt and smiles go sly, 

false comfort in lies unknown, 

a little sadness of times gone by, 

the world moves a little to the left, 

and then a little to the right, 

searching for its center

that just keeps slipping by 

one of those days, 

when hopelessness is the new high, 

the peace of giving up, 

the joy of a fizzling try, 

the gift of a failure, 

the bliss of oblivion, 

of the night sky 

the darkness that descends 

is just another friend

showing up uninvited, 

and promises to stand by 

one of those days, 

when little things count 

a kiss, a hug, an averted goodbye, 

sound of your breath, 

your silhouette against my sky, 

touch of your hand, 

your fingers running by, 

a smile in your eyes, 

little meanness in your try, 

one of those days, 

when this is all i need, 

when you are the drug to live by 

the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

hues of purple

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again... 

phases that are...

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head  for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it.  i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey... 

eyes...

she looked at her reflection and it happened again. just like every other hundred times she had looked into those eyes that looked back at her from the silver surface of gleaming glass. those eyes, eyes that were the window for her mind to the world, from where she looked upon everyone out there. those were the eyes everyone looked at and judged her. eyes, a peep into her reflection and her medium to look into others.just like every other time, she was surprised to see those eyes look back at her and realize, they were her eyes...
but oddly, for her, her eyes and her thoughts were two separate things. for her, her thoughts were the real her. what went through her head behind the veil of those eyes, the arguments she had with herself, the dialogs she reserved for real her that lay somewhere inside her. it rested, for most time. but sometimes, it would raise its head, rise from the slumber and those were the blissful moments she was with her true companion, the moments that really mattered, the moments of soliloquy.  rest of the time, it was a charade she lived, a charade she picked up just like that, a charade that the world took for her. she walked through the crowds, knowing eyes following her were mere spectators because all they could see was the reflection she saw in the mirror everyday. they all just looked. no one saw because  no one heard. no one was a guest to the words that defined her.
but she waited....
sometimes in vain, with a sigh but unimaginable patience. she met the world with her eyes and waited patiently to be seen by someone who would listen to her sometime. someone would surely stop and pay attention to her words and not her eyes. that would be the person who would actually see her. and she waited for that person to show up.
until that day, she would keep the charade, she would use that reflection, she would let it be her mask for the world. and one day, she would gladly give it all up, she would be her words, she would be her voice, she would be her thoughts.

where are all the Indians!!!

alright, i am gonna get straight to the topic since i am so in a no-nonsense mood.. anyone would be, being stuck in their house for three whole days, with nothing to do but study, of course, worry about the exams that  might never happen and a stupid curfew.
yes, its third day today and a fourth one of similar nature is almost sure. and for all those who dont know wat am i talking about, i am talking about the aggressive situation building up in Punjab. what started as a minor rift between cops and some people became a big protest including firing, tear gas, swords(yes swords) and what not. people have dies, many have been injured and yet the situation seems on verge of going out of hands..
i am not going to get into 'why cant govt do something about it' or 'what are the police doing' crap cuz they have nothing to do with it. if things are going bad or have gone bad in past, thats cuz we let them.

i wonder, when has India been a country?? its always been in bits-sometimes called provinces, sometimes colonies, sometimes castes and sometimes states. but never a nation as a whole. and who is responsible for tearing it apart every single day even without their knowledge- us of course. we are doing it, every day, ever moment and dont even know about it.
why cant we let humans be humans alone?? why do they have to come so many tags? is being an Indian or above all a human not enough?? if classification's what we are looking for, go look humans up in any biology book. you'd find classification long and complex enough to satisfy your whims.
please let people be!!!! states, castes, races, areas, religion, majority, minority- name it and we have a way to divide ourselves...
i dont get it at all!!!! i mean, here we are, sitting inour homes, terrified,somewhat yes, wondering wats going to happen.
forget about the ethics, if you wanna talk present, think about all the economy thats suffering and that suffers each time an Indian decided to flare his sword at another Indian, think of lives that are disrupted each time we decide to weaken ourselves in name of whatever is the latest trend!!!!

tell me one part of this secular, proud-of-its-diversity-of-religions country that has not bled in name of communalism!!! Mumbai, Delhi, Punjab, Gujarat, Jammu and Kashmir- which not!!!!

come on guys, what are we doing??!! what are we waiting for? no one is gonna tell us to stop doing it until we do it ourselves. there is not going to be any divine intervention cuz all the divinity is wasted on making us humans-something we are definitely not good at!!!!!!!
lets not wait for another 1984, 26/11, or another 50 years of terrified Kashmir.
honestly, i could go on and on about this. this is a sort of wrath i have never felt before, and i get angry a lot!!!!!! so thats saying something...
i have said all i had to, okay maybe bits of it. but is anyone listening???

paths long lost

she was tapping the steering wheel. it was a nuisance of a habit, especially when she was anxious and no mater how much she tried to contain herself, the anxiety was too much to hold. it was a short drive and she didnt know if that bothered her more or made things better for her. jeez, it had been long. almost ten months. she hadnt seen him, not heard from him until the previous week and today, all of a sudden, she was gonna meet him. she had fantasised about this moment for ages and when finally that moment came, she had no clue if she was happy, worried, anxious, tensed or any other emotion cuz somehow whatever she was going through at that moment, she had never felt before.

she stopped at a signal. waiting impatiently, she got thinking about the day when she met him for the first time. that first time and she was smitten. initially it had felt like a simple urge to be someone's friend, then as to friend's teasings, it became a 'crush'. but she had no clue, when in all those years, that little spot of concern changed to love. she remembered the first time she realised she was in love. she had been scared. love had not felt anything like it shud have. no violins, no sunny days, no daisies and butterflies, no constant smile on hre face. nothing at all! if anything, love was constant trial for her, constant pain, constant effort. something was wrong somewhere obviously, but she never let her mind to much talking when it came to him. and her heart, well, it always got her into trouble.
even that day, when he got mad at her, left her, wished she had never come into his life while she prayed all day to be able to be a part of his life forever, even that day, all her heart did was cry for him, not because of him. yes, her heart always got her into trouble.
she wondered, if todays was gonna be similar. but turning all those thoughts aside, she felt today wont be the same. today everything was going to be different, today she would get to say all that she had wanted to say for five years. yes, five long years, she had kept this to herself, through his relationship and breakup with other people, all that time her heart had been yearning for him. but today, she was gonna tell him ho wmuch she loved him, she still loved him and always will. and even though over last couple of months she had convinced herself to the contrary, last week, his very name on phone brought back emotions like swarms of flies. yes, today was finally gonna be a happy moment.

cars behind her were honking like crazy. signal had turned green and people were beginning to wonder that the driver had fainted or something. she hurriedly moved on, mumbling apologies. outside the cafe, she checked herself in the mirror twice, cut off the engine and sat in car quietly. this was it. and yet it didnt feel like that. her heart was going crazy, er crazier. for one wild moment, she wanted to turn away and run. but her feet ditched her. love was too powerful. what was going through her mind, she had no clue. where was she going, she had no clue either. she wasnt aware of her surroundings, of anyone except that face she wanted to look at for so long now, that face which she was sure would smile to look at her. how could it now, he sounded genuinely excited to meet her, desperate, happy. apologetic for his behaviour, probably not. but she didnt want that either. being able to see him again was too much for her.
and finally she saw him. sitting at corner table, in that peach shirt, he looked just like he did ten months ago. it had been so long and yet didnt feel that way. this was crazy. this didnt make any sense. he looked up and a smile cracked on his face, she smiled back. her heart melted sooner than ice cream on a hot june day at sight of that smile. what followed was bizarre. one moment she was smiling, next mo, she wanted to cry. she was totally out of her mind. perhaps she hadnt brought her mind with her. made sense, it was heart;s job, mind was not needed!!! he stood up as she reached the table, with a warm handshake. unsure what to say. she didnt know what would take him aback less- 'i missed u like crazy, dont ever leave me again' or 'i love you like crazy, dont ever leave me again'. they both just looked at each other. alright, she couldnt contain it any longer. 'um, p....' before she could say his name, he stood up. she looke up to see.
before she could gather her senses, he said, 'you are late, as usual!!!! by the way, meet her. this is payal, my friend from school, best friend from school! and payal, meet her. she is rohini, my girlfriend. love of my life!'

she wasnt sure about next but somewhere a glass shattered....



P.S. extremely sorry for such a long post. if there are people who left midway, i understand. although you wont be able to see my apology either. good/bad attempt, i dunno. just wanted to write it. and since i have already written such a long post, i guess i don not really deserve to bore people with a tag that is my first one, thanks to our very dear Buckingfastard. maybe next time!!! :)

P.P.S. sorrry for equally long P.S.

quiditch!!

okay, i know the title says quiditch, so for all the HP fans who came here expecting something in that regard, my apologies. but since you are here, might as well go ahead....
well, anyone who has read or seen HP book/movie knows about Harry's passion for his game. but he'd also know of Ron's plight of having a super famous friend as best buddy. sometimes it was cuz Harry had a reason for being so famous, but at other times, it was plain, well, umm i dont know, hype perhaps.. alright, i am not here to disect HP series. my point is that i kinda understand wat Ron wud have felt like living constantly in shadow of a friend who was, alright, better than him, but at times, didnt deserve everything he got. especially when he was trying to make it in Quiditch(see, my title had some relation with the post!! )
well, my point here is that i know wats its like living with a famous friend.. i did it in school for four long years. and now, its again the same story.. maybe i have a knack for attracting really famous people [8)]. but it has its negatives too.. you have friends who u meet after ages and they might forget to ask u how r u doing, but they sure wont forget to ask 'so wats up with her???' God, if thats how interested u were in her, shud've made an effort to keep in touch. i was on verge of putting my status 'I shall not entertain any queries about another soul. kindly look for some other source!!'

however infuriated i might sound though, surprisingly thats not the thing bugging me right now. wats bugging me is the fact that most people around us are gripped by feeling of partiality. u have had it in favour of u, u have had it against u, u have done it yourself and u have hated it a gazillion times in ur life. yet, we face it everyday. and it especially hurts when it happens somewhere u are doing well, or atleast trying your best to do u rbest. and wen u see people still liking another person cuz they know them from before, they are friends with them or worst of all, they are prettier, it boils my blood!!! thats one thing i hate in life!!! i hate partial favouritist $#%&*@#! 

well, i guess, of all the things u cant change about life, this is one of them too!!! but if i cud have it my way, i wud tell all those people to get a life and look at things with wider perspective and get their issues straight!!!

too many questions!!!

i have been away from the blogger world for quite some time now! no,it wasnt anywriters' block neither was it the fact that i was totally ground in work.. i just didnt have any inclination to write.. not that anyone was asking me about it, i am still saying it cuz i wanna say it... these past days have been weird, full of ups and downs.. sometimes too much to do, sometimes nth at all!!! sometimes its a full show and sometimes kinda lonely.. thats life summed up but on my part, it was just a summary of these last few days.. over this past time, there are certain things about myself and people around me that i have realised.. i realised how little allthose people i thought knew me, actually know me.. i also realised how difficult it is for me to tlak about myself. i realised it is easy to be lonely even wen u have loads of people around you...


along with these realisations, there were questions that i came up with.. actually questions came up to me.. and now, i cant get them outta my head.
* is it too much to expect someone to understand things you cant say?

*is it too bad a thing to be not able to say things u wanna  say???

*is it okay to be lonely even though you have world's most wonderful friends?

*is it alright to be sad for things u have no clue about, reasons you dont know and things you cant explain?

*is it alright to not wanna meet people, people who love youand you know it?

*is it okay to worry about someone else's share of life??

*is it okay to laugh on outside wen your heart iis crying from within??

*is it okay to wanna run away from eth, shut your self in a room and never wanna come out of it?

*is it okay to still love someone you had wanted to let go off ages ago??


God, this list is endless...... as u people must have known by now, this is not a happy post. i dont know people, it just isnt..and yeah, sth is definitely  bugging me, i just dont know wat is it!!! and no, it isnt a heart ache post about how i am still not over someone.... that might be a component but thats definitely not the whole thing...

just dont know..
all i can think of right now is the famous lines..

                                 har kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta,
                                      kisi ko zameen kisi ko asmaan nahi milta...

hey guys, wait up!!

she was standing looking out of window of her 34th floor corner office, lost in thought. she had just recvd a letter from her school, god , that was ages ago!!, notifying her abt the ten year reunion. that was odd. just wen life ha dmoving at such a fast pace, wen ties with the old world were as good as broken, this came as a weird surprise. good or bad, she didnt know but this got her thinking.. memories that had been locked up in some box stirred, raised their heads and made their presence felt after wat felt like an eternity......

it was a normal morning. but she woke up dreading every single moment.it was her last official day at school. with their exams over, this was one last day, a day of party at school. yes, their school was giving a party,a farewell party. since it was gonna be a day of fun, wat with exams finally over, she felt she cud spare a moment of relief but somehow that was exactly wat she wasnt feeling. her last two years at school had been full of tumult. with tests, deadlines, assignemnts, more tests, tensions all the time to give it ur all, make it to the best place , life had been one bumpy ride. but even amongst all the tyranny, these two years meant more to her than her entire school life put together.cuz while life was throwing volley of troubles at her, she had found wat she had been looking for her entire life- her frnds!!!!!
just wen she was thinking of her life over past two years, she heard her mom calling,"c'mon sakshi, wake up. madhu is on line". then thinking of all those ppl, she felt that eth wasnt over, she had no reason to be sad, not yet!!!
" hey sakshi. u were asleep???" asked madhu inher excited tone. "naah, i was just up. so tell me, wassup?" said sakshi, still half asleep. "okay, actually i wanted to tell u that we all are gathering upat vinisha's house. u be there by ten. and then we will all go together. and also please bring along some red accessories. i dont really have nay good ones. are u okay?? u sound depressed" said madhu. that was her. she was the one who alwys made plans, informed everyone and was first one to sense someone's bad mood. " naah naah, m fine. i just woke up so thats y i might be sounding like that. i will be there on time and will get watever i have to match ur dress. see ya." said sakshi and she hung up.
"helllo aunty, is everyone here?? is vinisha ready??" asked sakshi as she entered vinisha's house, a little late but still within time limits. "hello sakshi.almost evryone is here. but vinisha, well... she is a differnet story, u know her too well. she just got up." said vinisha's mom. smiling, sakshi went in, only to find mehak screaming at top of her voice " how can u not be ready by now?? u just got up??? now plz hurry up. we are all already late. where is pankhudi??? she is always late. comeon ppl, we cant be late to our own farewell party. thats y i said let everyone be ready by nine. tabhi tum log dus baje tak ready hote..." glad that she, atleast was just a bit out of time slot, sakshi went into the room. minutes went by, and soon pankhudi shuffled into the room."late as usual, arent u??" fumed mehak. "yaar my kinetic. it was puncturd. at last min i got my brother to get it repaired. then the traffic, u know na. sorry." rambled pankhudi, knowin her effort was futile since everyone knew y exactly was she late. she, like vinisha, must have woken up late and then spent hours trying to decide wat to wear etc etc etc." yaar sakshi, are my hair okay?? i dont think so. can sth be done now?? i am not looking too good, am i? i am looking alright, haina?" asked pankhudi trying to fix her hair. "u look great pankhudi" said madhu. " nahi, i dont think so. i think m lookiing a bit blown away." replied pankhudi. " wat?" asked madhu and sakshi together. mehak was too busy fuming and supreet was trying to calm her down. "yeah, blownaway. as in, udi udi. dont u think so??" she said, with a perfectly straight face and then broke into a laughter which continued for some good ten minutes, going from a smile to silent giggles which ended in just her moving crazily with no audible sound coming out to ensure if she was laughing or just choking. finally wen she calmed down, ppl knew, it was just her old hysterical laughter. soon they all got dressed and made it to the spot in time.

party was going on. everyone was having time of their lives."hey guys, lets go see our classroom" suggested sakshi. just as the song was changing. evryone was panting from an hour of dancing, looking flushed but exhilarated all the same. everyone agreed. so they all made their way to their classroom.all went in there. this room had given them some real good and bad memories. " vinisha remember how we always ate our lunch in our botany period on that last bench?" said madhu, smiling. "yeah. and remember wen once we were midway our bag of chips, mam asked me a ques and i had to answer!!" replied vinisha, reliving that moment. "i still dont know how u managed it!!!" said sakshi. " pooch mat yaaar!!" said vinisha. " arrey this chutki is much more shaani than she looks" said madhu, broadly grinning now. mehak said, "remember that time wen ur phone rang in the class, sakshi!! i still remmebr look on goldie's face!!" goldie was their physics teacher and  happened to be in class at time of that incident. his name wasnt really goldie. but somehow this nickname had beaten him in reaching the school. "but he was really nice yaaar." said pankhudi, after she had controlled her silent giggles, as usual!!" u know madhu, i didnt really like u in beginning. i mean, i used to think u were mean and a bighead" said sakshi, kina confessing."wat?? really??" said madhu, amazed. "u know sakshi, i felt that way abt u. i had even heard ppl talking that u were this big head, pain in the ass." butt in pankhudi, with a wicked smile. "now u r kidding, arent u?? " replied sakshi."m telling plain truth." said pankhudi with innocence to beat a three a year old's. "well, in my defence, now u all know how deceptive looks can be" said sakshi, indignanatly. "thats y i never blv mehak wen she says she sayd she is not mad at us and puts up a matching look cuz i know, looks are deceptive!!" said supreet, grinning from ear to ear. they all roared in laughter, with mehak joining in!!! that was one good moment togehter.
shortly  they heard sounds outside the room and knew it was time for princi's speech. so all left the room. sakshi, deep in her thoughts didnt realise everyone had left. she was still thinking abt how that room had changed her life, cuz that was where she had met every single one of the souls that were her treasure now!!! she looke darnd to find herself alone in room. she ran after her frnds, calling 'hey guys, wait up1!!"


sakshi stirred, as if rising from a dream. it was nth short of that. thought of times wen she was with those ppl felt nth else but a dream which was lost now. but the letter in her hand reminded her, the dream wasnt lost, not yet!!!
she made her way to her school. it felt weird. she hadnt been back to the place in ten years. place where she had got virtually her entire education, god, how had it changed. but she wondered if sth of the old buillding wud be retained. most of it had been changed indeeed. reception was much more fancy, gate was much more intimidating, none of the faces looked familiar. eth looked alien and aloof. before she knew, teras were streaming out of her eyes, wondering how much had changed in all these years, worrying if ath wud be same, wondering if anyone wud be same. as she was walking, she saw a familiar corridor and walked along it, forgetting abt the main event going on in the hall. it looked familiar although a lot had been changed here too. paint was different, posters were changed, names of defaulters on notice board were different. she stopped to read some of them and came across goldie's name. god, he was still here!!! maybe he had changed a lot too. wondering if he wud even remember her after so long time, she made a mental note to meet himlater. she proceeded and then, sth more than familiar reached her ears. those were voices she had been yearning to hear like forever now.. with quicker steps, voices growing louder and louder, she made her way to the room. as she took the turn, her heart beating madly within her, she caught the sight she had not thought she wud see in her living moment ever again. as she stopped at the door, five pairs of eyes turned to look at her. her heart skipped a beat. and came back with energy more than she cud handle. the joy was sth she had thought she was incapable of feeling. she had no clue her heart cud show emotions of such magnitude.they were all sitting casually on benches, "we were wondering wat kept u. i was beginning to think u wudnt come at all!!" said vinisha.she was still the same, much older, yes. but still little and blv it or not, she still had her pony tail!!! " i knew u wud come. i kept telling them u wudnt misss it for the world!!" said madhu, as she came forward to hug her. they all came together. god, that was a moment which writers over ages have described as wen the world comes to a standstill. they all felt nth else but the sensation of trembling body next to them, of tears streaming from each eye, of every smile which was curling arnd corners of lips now since the tearful part was over. "i guess we shud go meet the rest of the ppl too. and lets go to my house after this. afterall, our farewell started from my house and our reunion shud involve my house too. wat say??" said vinisha, wiping her face of tears worth ten years. everyone nodded. they all started going out of the room. sakshi was left behind looking for her tissue.

she turned arnd to find her alone in the room. all had left to meet others. thinking things cudnt have changed that much afterall, she rushed after them, smiling all over, calling "hey guys, wait up!!!"....

whats with life??

having been confided in my house for an entire day due to rain, i had nth better to do than to lie arnd, try to sleep which i cudnt cuz my sister wudnt let me( god knows y!!! she has her exam tomorrow and acc to her my staying awake somehow helps her study better!!!! *rolls eyes* yeah she is the same one i baked cake for. guess its time for revenge!), no tv to watch cuz my dad's been going on with his cricket :( and nth much to do here wither. so story cut short, i had nth better to to so i did some thinking. serious intellectual thinking.  and the conclusions i came up with havent really made me too happy.

the thing is, i have had a very average life all this time. i mean like forever!!! nth in my life has evr been extraordinary, out of proportions...
see, i live in a nation which is neither too poor, nor too rich, neither too weak, nor too strong. somewhere in the middle, right? no offence to all the patriots out there. i love my country just as much as u do but thats a reality. and its not like its bad or sth. just plain truth. my state, punjab is again, neither too rich nor too poor, neither too backward nor too developed. hence again, average. agreed?
my city, ludhiana is just the same. do u want me to repeat the lines?? u get the general idea, dont u? hence, proved yet again, average!! no offence to anyone, but thats true.. that was scene at large. even in my personal life, i have had eth lying somewhere in the middle. just abt average. average looking, average student, average player, average average average!! god, that word sounds weird now!!1
the reason i am ranting abt it all is that i got to thinking that wat if all my life is gone living this way? average way, i mean. i have big plans for life, i want to achieve a lot of stuff. i have dreams i want fulfilled and lemme tell u, not all of them are just abt average!

when i was a kid, somehow i developed  a view abt life that was a bit different from the real world. as i grew, one after another of my many perceptions shattered. so now that i am onto all the thinking, i was wondering wat if all my perceptions for my future crumble to ground just like they did in past? i know having my dreams come true depends on me, depends on wen i wake up but i am a firm believer of fate, karma and god. i do blv god always has a bigger plan, a better perspective, a higher approach. i mean,, who else, if not him!
god, i dont even know where m i going with this>??? this is just a lot of random thoughts thrown in together, i guess. but the bottom line is, i got myself doubting which aint no good! but yeah, its truth all the same. maybe i got doubts written all over me, atleast for now, but i do know one thing for sure, i wont give up without a fight. i will try. i have tried in the past and i am sure i wont fial myself there atleast. rest of my life is a big mystery which i cant do ath abt right now. i really wanna take one day at a time but somehow, that dsnt happen to me. i like to plan, look ahead, now where m a i going with sth. probably thats y i have a serious fixation for lists. lists for wat to do, wat not to do, wat to get, wen to get, where to go etc etc etc
okay, m going really out of the way here. so going back to where i started from,
to tell the truth, i dont wanna be an average. who does!!!
for all those who made t to the end of this long jumbled piece, i cud really use some advice. to all those who cudnt, u missed ur chance to serious awakening!!!! :P

what the hell happened?????

i dont know wen did this happen, how did all this change occur but most importantly, why in the whole world did it have to happen???? what is freaking wrong with the life? why cudnt it be simple and easy and not wriggly and winding and dark!!!!!! wy cudnt we be kids forever wen all that matterd was homework, sham ko frnds ke saath park mein chupan chupai khelna and raat ko try and see your fav show while pretending to sleep cuz ur mummy is going berserk worrying u wont get up on time for school the next day!!!!! why did this all happen?? we grew up, had greater, much more petty but weighing things to worry abt and inadvertently went away from things that actually matterd!!!!
priorities ave changed so much in such a short span that i am amazed to know i went thru all this without even realising!! hell, we all did! and m sure we all think abt it some time, and today ismy day to ponder over it all..
life waise hi rehti to kitna maza aata!!! sunday wud have meant chocolate ice cream, raat ko aath baje wud hae meant hum paanch and biggest worry wudhave been abt how to get tail of that lion straight that i am drawing in my art class!!! but nahi, things had to complicate. living under the same roof, we had to go away from everyone who really matterd!!! shit man, things are worse than i thought!
now dont get the idea that i am this sad al the time but this stuff is impt,. we are surrounded by it al th time, the only difference is that some of us have come far enough to worry abt it anymore. but some like me are still stuck there with nowhere to go, not from this atleast!!!!

honestly, i so wish life wud be simpler again. dont u????

that one guy...

he came as a breeze in my life. suddenly and unexpectedly. literally like a breath of fresh air. but his leaving took me just as much by surprise, even though before he left, i had anticipated it wud happen in a similar way ages ago! how they say realities can be stranger than fiction... *sigh*
he was never really there and yet i always felt his presence. wen he left, i didnt think much abt it but was bothered wen he came back although i wanted that to happen. wat was that feeling?? probably insanity. i dont know. i never wud. i started trusting him more than i shud have. he wasnt even mine and i knew that right from the start but i cudnt help myself falling for him more everyday.
i wud wake up hoping to hear from him, wud leave my house wishing i wud run into him. i wud beg god to let him be my frnd. and yet wen that happened, i wasnt all happy, not as much as i had thought i wud be! huh! is that normal? but i was getting sick of the feeling. so one day i decided, enough was enough. i was gonna tell him wat i felt abt him but i had my doubts alright! just wen i was going thru this internal conflict, just wen i was on brim of telling him wat he meant to me, he left! just like that. no goodbyes, no backward glances, no recollections of good times together. just gone in whiff of air.
it still bothers me to think of that, i still wish i cud see him, hear him and be his frnd again but that, i guess, nt happen....
nth is same anymore. life is different, time is different, he is different and probably i am too. but watever that is, that doesnt change the fact that even after all this story, i dont know wat is that feeling called that i had for him? love? yikes!! no way. i know its not that. cant be... a bit too strong frndship??? i doubt that too. jo bhi tha, i have no way to find it out anytime soon...

but u know wat, it doesnt matter either way cuz watever name it might get, wat ihad for him is still there and probably will always be.....

my first one

well, i am here... this is a virtual world, a world of just letters and blogpages with no faces to it. but at times it can be more fulfilling than the real world or so i have heard.
its just my beginning here and i have an entire journey to start so lets see how far does this association go!

honestly saying, blogging isnt my thing. i dont know how to write funny things, make up interesting stories but then thats not all that its abt. its abt speaking ur mind and thats wat i am here to do...
although its so full of thoughts running arnd unbound that i guess, its gonna be one job to stick to one and say sth...

all i can say is, goodluck to me!