a crystal bottle, a thousand worlds, a million shards

i wish i had a crystal bottle with sharp cuts and smooth curves. silhouettes of angles and bends, brilliance of glass, as fragile as astounding. stories untold, unseen held within, stories heard and seen treasured inside the glass mansion built with crystals of mind, body and soul to hold memories, hopes, aspirations, desires, anguish, torments, tears, laughter and smiles.  i'd look at it, for hours, a lifetime cramped into those minutes, a lifetime spent in those hours. every now and then, a ray of light would fall on it. caught off guard. amplified. reflected. dazzled. broken into brilliance of millions of shimmers. blob of illumination for sometime. lost into nothingness the next moment.
i'd save it. keeping it away from world and everything else. i'd carry it with me everywhere. i'd keep it hidden in the deepest corner of my existence. it'd be mine. whenever i wished, i'd take it out. flaunt it to acknowledgement of existence then stow it back into bliss of secrecy. it'd have a cork. stopper on all the tides. it'd hold an ocean in it. the cork would be tight. the ocean would be immense.
i'd shake it. a thousand jingles would come to life. i'd put my ear to it and all will be silent. there'd be whispers, there'd be prayers. there'd be promises, unsaid, hushed, forgotten. there'd be jokes, there'd be laughter, stifled, old, dead. there'd be shouts, there'd be songs, there'd be silence. there'd be clatter of rain drops, millions of them, abandoned by the sky, falling on a dark night, cry of sky's broken heart, opening up, a grimace of clouds, illuminated with a wave of lightening rippling through sky.
i'd open it and wafts would spill out. lighter than dreams, more inconspicuous than fragrances, more vivid than realities. there'd be smell of a lover, the scent of his existence seeping in through every pore of me as i lay next to him, smell of love, passion, reluctance, desire and ecstasy  there'd be smell of that damp room, as i sat listening to silence of night, smell of sea as tides laugh with each other, mocking my insignificance. there'd be smell of my mother, as i snuggle into her back, clinging to her dress, feeling soundless rustle of her shirt between my fingers, filled with dread, overcome with calm.
i'd look into it and the ocean will be raging. there'd be horizon holding blue of ocean and abyss of sky. the world and everything beyond. endless possibilities. orange of sunrise, gleam of light travelling thousands of miles, falling at my feet, seven colors fused together into one, silver when peeking from behind the clouds, black of depth of sea, darker in its silence than in color, there'd be color of your eyes, as you look away, lost in your thought. there'd be the world i'd watch from corner of my eye.
and then, i'd put the cork back. the sounds would stop. scents would descend back into oblivion, scenes would dissolve. strand by strand. and then, there will be nothing. just the crystal bottle. unfazed, intact, beautiful. i'd cork the world and all its brilliance into that crystal bottle, stow away universes and their secrets with one sweep of hand, discard deepest sorrows and biggest joys with a flick. it'd be mine to hold, and mine to shatter, into million shards, send it back to the smoldering furnace that made it, reduce it to specks of soil, mix it back with dirt under my feet, to unleash million more stories or break a thousand worlds.

the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

paths long lost

she was tapping the steering wheel. it was a nuisance of a habit, especially when she was anxious and no mater how much she tried to contain herself, the anxiety was too much to hold. it was a short drive and she didnt know if that bothered her more or made things better for her. jeez, it had been long. almost ten months. she hadnt seen him, not heard from him until the previous week and today, all of a sudden, she was gonna meet him. she had fantasised about this moment for ages and when finally that moment came, she had no clue if she was happy, worried, anxious, tensed or any other emotion cuz somehow whatever she was going through at that moment, she had never felt before.

she stopped at a signal. waiting impatiently, she got thinking about the day when she met him for the first time. that first time and she was smitten. initially it had felt like a simple urge to be someone's friend, then as to friend's teasings, it became a 'crush'. but she had no clue, when in all those years, that little spot of concern changed to love. she remembered the first time she realised she was in love. she had been scared. love had not felt anything like it shud have. no violins, no sunny days, no daisies and butterflies, no constant smile on hre face. nothing at all! if anything, love was constant trial for her, constant pain, constant effort. something was wrong somewhere obviously, but she never let her mind to much talking when it came to him. and her heart, well, it always got her into trouble.
even that day, when he got mad at her, left her, wished she had never come into his life while she prayed all day to be able to be a part of his life forever, even that day, all her heart did was cry for him, not because of him. yes, her heart always got her into trouble.
she wondered, if todays was gonna be similar. but turning all those thoughts aside, she felt today wont be the same. today everything was going to be different, today she would get to say all that she had wanted to say for five years. yes, five long years, she had kept this to herself, through his relationship and breakup with other people, all that time her heart had been yearning for him. but today, she was gonna tell him ho wmuch she loved him, she still loved him and always will. and even though over last couple of months she had convinced herself to the contrary, last week, his very name on phone brought back emotions like swarms of flies. yes, today was finally gonna be a happy moment.

cars behind her were honking like crazy. signal had turned green and people were beginning to wonder that the driver had fainted or something. she hurriedly moved on, mumbling apologies. outside the cafe, she checked herself in the mirror twice, cut off the engine and sat in car quietly. this was it. and yet it didnt feel like that. her heart was going crazy, er crazier. for one wild moment, she wanted to turn away and run. but her feet ditched her. love was too powerful. what was going through her mind, she had no clue. where was she going, she had no clue either. she wasnt aware of her surroundings, of anyone except that face she wanted to look at for so long now, that face which she was sure would smile to look at her. how could it now, he sounded genuinely excited to meet her, desperate, happy. apologetic for his behaviour, probably not. but she didnt want that either. being able to see him again was too much for her.
and finally she saw him. sitting at corner table, in that peach shirt, he looked just like he did ten months ago. it had been so long and yet didnt feel that way. this was crazy. this didnt make any sense. he looked up and a smile cracked on his face, she smiled back. her heart melted sooner than ice cream on a hot june day at sight of that smile. what followed was bizarre. one moment she was smiling, next mo, she wanted to cry. she was totally out of her mind. perhaps she hadnt brought her mind with her. made sense, it was heart;s job, mind was not needed!!! he stood up as she reached the table, with a warm handshake. unsure what to say. she didnt know what would take him aback less- 'i missed u like crazy, dont ever leave me again' or 'i love you like crazy, dont ever leave me again'. they both just looked at each other. alright, she couldnt contain it any longer. 'um, p....' before she could say his name, he stood up. she looke up to see.
before she could gather her senses, he said, 'you are late, as usual!!!! by the way, meet her. this is payal, my friend from school, best friend from school! and payal, meet her. she is rohini, my girlfriend. love of my life!'

she wasnt sure about next but somewhere a glass shattered....



P.S. extremely sorry for such a long post. if there are people who left midway, i understand. although you wont be able to see my apology either. good/bad attempt, i dunno. just wanted to write it. and since i have already written such a long post, i guess i don not really deserve to bore people with a tag that is my first one, thanks to our very dear Buckingfastard. maybe next time!!! :)

P.P.S. sorrry for equally long P.S.