the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

the little things called smiles

amidst the frenzy of diwali cleaning and shopping and everything else, it suddenly occurred to me what a subjective thing pleasure is. two people, in the same state of mind, both happy and yet they can be happy about different things. yes, we have heard a lot about perspective and this is similar but i feel, mostly these little things go unnoticed. in most cases, its the little things that bring a smile to our faces and those are the ones that are the most diverse. they define happiness for man and their meaning changes every second. and yet, they will always be these little things that will make you smile, no matter what- smell of food from kitchen when you are hungry, phone ring when you feel lonely, the deserted trail in the central park that no one seems to notice but strangely makes you smile always- and the list goes on.
no one ignores these little things cuz they bring those involuntary smiles, the smiles of the most genuine nature that carve themselves, with no effort required. these are the genuine curves of lips that are not a mask to hide another emotion or a brave face to show to the world, they are those little cherubic gifts that come to you in your moments with yourself, whether you are alone or not, in the moments when you are thinking just of you and nothing else.
take a moment and think about these little things around you that have always brought those lovely smiles on and you probably didn't realize.
i just realized a lot of things on my list and i was honestly surprised with some of the things :P you'd be too if you realized things like paper bags, sign of sale at my favorite shoe store, sight of wet ink on paper, get the same color with a friend on a 'super jinx', coffee mugs and many more can make you smile :)
go ahead. make your list. you'd be amazed too. and at end of the list, add another thing 'the list' cuz, trust me, you are sure to smile everytime you looked at the list. 

tale of every girl *sigh*

every girl needs her love story. thats the plain truth. no matter how hard they try to deny it, no matter what she looks like on the exterior, somewhere inside her is that little girl who has grown up thinking about a love story one day. blame it on the romantic love stories we have grown up watching. i remember feeling goosebumps when i saw raj fighting for simran on that station and i was five then! ever since then, there has been on thing or the other. and as if the movies werent enough, there are romantic novels that have love stories of ever lasting love. and you cant really blame me for that. there is a girl out there who finds a random bottle on beach and ends up with a guy who loves her crazily. sure, he dies eventually but she does spend some time being loved like sunshine! there is even one sending her letters from the dead! sure you can switch the tv off and shut down the book and dump it far end corner of your drawer and then, your friends walk in with their tales of being swooned by someone! what is a girl supposed to do then? there is nothing better and worse than a real life full on love story and someone like me who hears at least five of them daily in different stages, life is not that easy.
and just when i thought i was the only one left all alone in this big bad world, i realized something. now i know that at end of the day, in every girl lies that hope that someday she will find a guy who will love her for what she is. true? i dunno. i am still to find that out but i am just amazed at it. i had thought i had snubbed that little girl me into a little nook somewhere, never to emerge again. or maybe she had just left. but i realized she didnt. she was here, all the time. and so is she inside every woman out there. every girl is looking for her love story if she hasnt found one yet. no matter how, no matter where, the sense of being the one thought about, being cared and loved and most importantly being important is what every girl wishes for and certainly deserves. does every girl find it? i wish i could say yes. does any girl ever give up the hope? hell no!!! even the career oriented modern girls who dont want a man to support them do want a man to go on with them through life. the idea of a love story is different for every girl, for sure but it is there in every girl's heart.
so if you are a girl, thinking about your love story and at times frustrated with your undying hope of finding someone who will love and care for you like you mean everything to him then dont be. you are not the only one :)
and for those who have already found one, cheers!!!! 

hues of purple

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again... 

phases that are...

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head  for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it.  i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey...