a crystal bottle, a thousand worlds, a million shards

i wish i had a crystal bottle with sharp cuts and smooth curves. silhouettes of angles and bends, brilliance of glass, as fragile as astounding. stories untold, unseen held within, stories heard and seen treasured inside the glass mansion built with crystals of mind, body and soul to hold memories, hopes, aspirations, desires, anguish, torments, tears, laughter and smiles.  i'd look at it, for hours, a lifetime cramped into those minutes, a lifetime spent in those hours. every now and then, a ray of light would fall on it. caught off guard. amplified. reflected. dazzled. broken into brilliance of millions of shimmers. blob of illumination for sometime. lost into nothingness the next moment.
i'd save it. keeping it away from world and everything else. i'd carry it with me everywhere. i'd keep it hidden in the deepest corner of my existence. it'd be mine. whenever i wished, i'd take it out. flaunt it to acknowledgement of existence then stow it back into bliss of secrecy. it'd have a cork. stopper on all the tides. it'd hold an ocean in it. the cork would be tight. the ocean would be immense.
i'd shake it. a thousand jingles would come to life. i'd put my ear to it and all will be silent. there'd be whispers, there'd be prayers. there'd be promises, unsaid, hushed, forgotten. there'd be jokes, there'd be laughter, stifled, old, dead. there'd be shouts, there'd be songs, there'd be silence. there'd be clatter of rain drops, millions of them, abandoned by the sky, falling on a dark night, cry of sky's broken heart, opening up, a grimace of clouds, illuminated with a wave of lightening rippling through sky.
i'd open it and wafts would spill out. lighter than dreams, more inconspicuous than fragrances, more vivid than realities. there'd be smell of a lover, the scent of his existence seeping in through every pore of me as i lay next to him, smell of love, passion, reluctance, desire and ecstasy  there'd be smell of that damp room, as i sat listening to silence of night, smell of sea as tides laugh with each other, mocking my insignificance. there'd be smell of my mother, as i snuggle into her back, clinging to her dress, feeling soundless rustle of her shirt between my fingers, filled with dread, overcome with calm.
i'd look into it and the ocean will be raging. there'd be horizon holding blue of ocean and abyss of sky. the world and everything beyond. endless possibilities. orange of sunrise, gleam of light travelling thousands of miles, falling at my feet, seven colors fused together into one, silver when peeking from behind the clouds, black of depth of sea, darker in its silence than in color, there'd be color of your eyes, as you look away, lost in your thought. there'd be the world i'd watch from corner of my eye.
and then, i'd put the cork back. the sounds would stop. scents would descend back into oblivion, scenes would dissolve. strand by strand. and then, there will be nothing. just the crystal bottle. unfazed, intact, beautiful. i'd cork the world and all its brilliance into that crystal bottle, stow away universes and their secrets with one sweep of hand, discard deepest sorrows and biggest joys with a flick. it'd be mine to hold, and mine to shatter, into million shards, send it back to the smoldering furnace that made it, reduce it to specks of soil, mix it back with dirt under my feet, to unleash million more stories or break a thousand worlds.

read this. you'll feel better.

you can't know everything in the world. whatever happens, you'll die a fool
                                -Cancer Ward, Alexander Solzehnitsyn 

the title was for me. so before you feel there is a case of false advertising, you might as well skip this. well anyways, moving on...
yeah, life's a bitch. or maybe not. to be frank, its just easier to call it that. gives you a scapegoat. but then, its not all that easy. its just another thing, like every other thing on this planet. sometimes good, sometimes not. but the thing is, unlike other things, you cant run from life. so might as well live it well. or not, whatever.
in my life, there are things i want to tell people. and myself. and while it will be too scandalous to tell them upfront ( i am a scaredy cat and its too much drama, honestly), i am going to say it here. also, these are the things i feel i need to be told time to time. so this means i can come back here whenever i need a renewal of the lesson and feel better.

 1. death kills. everything else is life. and you have got to live it. and as much as most of us might have wanted at times, things like grief, guilt, disappointment or anger will not kill you. and you will have to live, unless you die ofcourse. and truth is, humans can live with anything. frankly, until death comes, they dont have much choice either. so its that living that every human wants to make easier. and its then when having someone to make things easier matters. ofcourse, you wont die without them. but having them might make just a slight difference.

2. life is hard. you have problems. turn around, someone's living through deeper shit than you are. this doesnt mean you have to seek respite in the fact that someone's slugging it worse than you. it means, stop whining and shut up.

3. talking is not a solution for many things, almost all. just talking wont get you anywhere. but sometimes, it makes enough difference to give you strength for that next step.

4. no matter how big problems others have, they are not yours. no matter how much you sympathize with them, you will still turn around and walk back into your world. no one dies over another person's problem. so even if your problem isnt as big as the next person, it is your problem at end of the day. and if you are worried, tensed, worked up or just plain pissed at it, its yours. just dont make it another person's. you are allowed to sulk though.

5. you might not ask much from life. you could ask very little. it could look like you are asking very little. but somedays, even that will seem like hard to come by. what are you going to do about it? live through the day and wait for the morning when it will again seem within reach. works. trust me.

6. you can be weak. there will be days when you will need help. you might seek it. you might expect to get it. mostly, its simpler to just ask for it. but some days, just one of those days, you'd fool yourself and wish someone would understand on their own. asking for it would be simpler, yes, but not the same. if you retract, dont be hard on yourself. you made that choice, live through it. you can. if you still go ahead and ask, dont feel guilty. you did what you had to. life moves on either way. so suck it up.

7. if you want to be happy, go ahead and do it. and i am not talking about silver-lining-and-sunshine-and-daisies-happy. i am talking about just-get-through-the-damn-day-without-biting-someone's-head-off happy, and frankly, thats all you need. and thats your personal fight, no one else's. do whatever it takes to make that happen. and if you choose not to do something that makes you happy, find peace in that. thats your only hope then cuz at end of the day, with all the fretting and sulking, you are the only one who will have to put up with the sulking bitch in mirror. might as well not piss her off even more. better for you ;)

8. perfection is a sham. there is nothing that fits everything. too good to be true doesnt happen. if its there, its true. and if its too good, smile. and look around. there's going to be a catch. there will be rusty corners, conditions applied, fine print- reality. it can still be good. but soon you will realize, everything good needs to be worked upon. you just have to see if you are willing enough.

9. invest in  yourself. sure, go ahead, make friends, help someone out, live with others. but not at your cost. amidst being the good person everyone wants as a friend, dont forget you are your best friend. take that one step for you, no matter what it is. go and work with mine kids and help homeless. but after you have done everything you wanted to do for everyone else, do that one little thing for yourself. i am not saying you are pathetically selfless. i am saying just dont expect someone else to do what you are doing for someone else. you have your reasons. others might not share them.

you are not a bad person, but then not many people are. you are just a little screwed up but then most people are. if you think about it, mostly, people are just too scared for themselves to actually worry about others. and these confused, scared, lost people form confused, scary, lost relationships with each others. once in a while, just once in a while, two people will be confused, scare and lost in a way to actually be confused, scared and lost together. but then that happens so rarely, relax, you are no worse than others. please don't whine :)

Integration 2012-ISI, Kolkata- Antaheen-Antaheen- an endless hope

(image googled. copyright lies with the original artist) 

Grey Kolkata sky goes as far as eye can see. Two cars pull in outside an under-construction building. Abhik Chowdhry steps out of the car, casually. Him and his team are following a lead on an arms’ haul case. This becomes the day’s biggest story. Face of Abhik Chowdhry adorns every TV screen as news channels rush to cover the story. In another part of the city, Ranjan, lost in his sensex fixation catches a glimpse of his cousin on the television, calling him to congratulate him on his big story. Lost in his own story, Ranjan is a guy who is one of the closest friends Abhik has. His next call is to a totally different part of the city, to a woman, Paromita or Paro, as he calls her, his ex-wife. Casual chit chat, a joke by Paro hints at his solitary way of life while her life looks happy with a career she is content with. In another part of the city, Brinda Roy Menon, an investigation journalist is intrigued by the story. With a desire to follow onto it, she calls cop Abhik asking for an interview. But conversation doesn’t go too well. Skeptical about sensationalization of a seemingly sensitive case, Abhik turns down Brinda’s request.

While all these people are happy about Abhik’s story, builder V K Mehra is bothered by the uncovering news as the site of case happens to be next to site for construction of his next project. Amidst frenzy of life that is running too fast, no one seems to have time to stop and think. But Abhik and Brinda, two young people zealous about their careers, have found a way to seek refuge from madness of the crowd. Every night, in a chat window, they meet a virtual identity that offers them comfort more real than anything real in their lives.  Unaware about the name or identity of the virtual personality, all Brinda knows is a guy- ‘ Boy in a box’ while all Abhik knows is a chat window named ‘ Raat Jaga Taara’.

Sharing nuances of life, Boy in a box’s and Raat jaga taara’s relation develops into a unique bond, incomparable with anything else. This comes as a respite from harsh realities of life that both these individuals face. Abhik, almost a cynic, comes across relations that run into inevitable doom of reality pretty often. His own cousin Ranjan da’s relation with his wide Paro stays on rocks. This is the reason that both these individuals prefer to keep their weird relation anonymous. What they share are little joys of life that are beyond realms of real name or true identity.

Paro, a marketing executive is an artist from heart. Her passion is photography but that’s part of what she does. Brinda, a colleague is one of Paro’s closest friends, ofcourse, besides Ranjan. Paro and Ranjan had a lovely relationship. But they live separately now. Marriage was probably over, but friendship wasn’t. They were each other’s confidants and most certainly, in need for each other. That is why when an offer for job in Mumbai comes along, Paro seeks Ranjan’s advice. Their relation is in a weird spot. Past complications make it difficult for them to open up to each other. That is why, as a rationalist, Ranjan suggests her to take the job and move to Mumbai to explore her career. But the truth is, neither of them wants to leave the other. Paro, especially, hopes one last call from Ranjan, a sign that he wants her back in his life as she fears her preference for her career in past had led to disappointment in their marriage and an ultimate fall out. V K Mehra hosts a launch party where he invites Abhik. Paro asks Brinda to come along. And this is how they meet each other for the first time. A rather cold meeting, they don’t seem to hit it off well. But after a rocky start, they warm up to each other Ranjan’s birthday party.

One night, in a casual conversation with his Pishi, Abhik realizes embodiment of endless wait when she tells him about her similar relation with an unknown identity. Life seems to get a little more complicated as Abhik realizes he might be developing feelings for Brinda along with suspecting his seemingly weird love for the ‘chat window’. Lost in his own world, Abhik is sure about comfort from his virtual friend, who too is developing feelings, although inexplicable, for the ‘boy in a box’. Both these worlds look ready to continue existing parallel when one night, in a casual conversation with Abhik, Brinda realizes extreme similarity between him and her virtual friend. Realization dawns. She understands he is the boy in a box. World seems better. She leaves an offline message for boy in box to meet her the next day, at a given place and time. But end is close. Brinda dies in a car crash. And with her, the realization dies too. Abhik wakes up to check his computer and find a message. Skeptical though, he is happy about the idea. But moments later, he receives news of Brinda’s death. Devastated, Abhik goes to comfort Paro who has decided to stay back in Kolkata and rekindle her relation with Ranjan. Next, he goes to the place of meeting but ‘Raat jaaga taara’ never shows up.  He waits but then walks away. Abhik, at end of the day, seeks comfort in his escape from reality but she is offline. He waits. The light doesn’t change color. He waves it away thinking she must have been busy. The night passes. And the next. And the next. And the next. Unaware of the fact that with one friend, he has lost two, Abhik continues to wait for her to show up. Every night, he gives himself a new reason. Every morning, he awaits the night, another night of wait with his endless hope. 

one of those days...

one of those days,

when the truths hurt and smiles go sly, 

false comfort in lies unknown, 

a little sadness of times gone by, 

the world moves a little to the left, 

and then a little to the right, 

searching for its center

that just keeps slipping by 

one of those days, 

when hopelessness is the new high, 

the peace of giving up, 

the joy of a fizzling try, 

the gift of a failure, 

the bliss of oblivion, 

of the night sky 

the darkness that descends 

is just another friend

showing up uninvited, 

and promises to stand by 

one of those days, 

when little things count 

a kiss, a hug, an averted goodbye, 

sound of your breath, 

your silhouette against my sky, 

touch of your hand, 

your fingers running by, 

a smile in your eyes, 

little meanness in your try, 

one of those days, 

when this is all i need, 

when you are the drug to live by 

the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

the little things called smiles

amidst the frenzy of diwali cleaning and shopping and everything else, it suddenly occurred to me what a subjective thing pleasure is. two people, in the same state of mind, both happy and yet they can be happy about different things. yes, we have heard a lot about perspective and this is similar but i feel, mostly these little things go unnoticed. in most cases, its the little things that bring a smile to our faces and those are the ones that are the most diverse. they define happiness for man and their meaning changes every second. and yet, they will always be these little things that will make you smile, no matter what- smell of food from kitchen when you are hungry, phone ring when you feel lonely, the deserted trail in the central park that no one seems to notice but strangely makes you smile always- and the list goes on.
no one ignores these little things cuz they bring those involuntary smiles, the smiles of the most genuine nature that carve themselves, with no effort required. these are the genuine curves of lips that are not a mask to hide another emotion or a brave face to show to the world, they are those little cherubic gifts that come to you in your moments with yourself, whether you are alone or not, in the moments when you are thinking just of you and nothing else.
take a moment and think about these little things around you that have always brought those lovely smiles on and you probably didn't realize.
i just realized a lot of things on my list and i was honestly surprised with some of the things :P you'd be too if you realized things like paper bags, sign of sale at my favorite shoe store, sight of wet ink on paper, get the same color with a friend on a 'super jinx', coffee mugs and many more can make you smile :)
go ahead. make your list. you'd be amazed too. and at end of the list, add another thing 'the list' cuz, trust me, you are sure to smile everytime you looked at the list. 

tale of every girl *sigh*

every girl needs her love story. thats the plain truth. no matter how hard they try to deny it, no matter what she looks like on the exterior, somewhere inside her is that little girl who has grown up thinking about a love story one day. blame it on the romantic love stories we have grown up watching. i remember feeling goosebumps when i saw raj fighting for simran on that station and i was five then! ever since then, there has been on thing or the other. and as if the movies werent enough, there are romantic novels that have love stories of ever lasting love. and you cant really blame me for that. there is a girl out there who finds a random bottle on beach and ends up with a guy who loves her crazily. sure, he dies eventually but she does spend some time being loved like sunshine! there is even one sending her letters from the dead! sure you can switch the tv off and shut down the book and dump it far end corner of your drawer and then, your friends walk in with their tales of being swooned by someone! what is a girl supposed to do then? there is nothing better and worse than a real life full on love story and someone like me who hears at least five of them daily in different stages, life is not that easy.
and just when i thought i was the only one left all alone in this big bad world, i realized something. now i know that at end of the day, in every girl lies that hope that someday she will find a guy who will love her for what she is. true? i dunno. i am still to find that out but i am just amazed at it. i had thought i had snubbed that little girl me into a little nook somewhere, never to emerge again. or maybe she had just left. but i realized she didnt. she was here, all the time. and so is she inside every woman out there. every girl is looking for her love story if she hasnt found one yet. no matter how, no matter where, the sense of being the one thought about, being cared and loved and most importantly being important is what every girl wishes for and certainly deserves. does every girl find it? i wish i could say yes. does any girl ever give up the hope? hell no!!! even the career oriented modern girls who dont want a man to support them do want a man to go on with them through life. the idea of a love story is different for every girl, for sure but it is there in every girl's heart.
so if you are a girl, thinking about your love story and at times frustrated with your undying hope of finding someone who will love and care for you like you mean everything to him then dont be. you are not the only one :)
and for those who have already found one, cheers!!!! 

hues of purple

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again... 

phases that are...

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head  for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it.  i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey... 

my pastry tale...

well new year, as in the new year moment came and went. and with it came lots of other things, the nostalgia, the hope for future, the anticipation, the fun with friends, the crazy partying and the new year resolutions. i know many people don't believe in new year resolutions anymore but i do. and so, i made a new year resolution to do one good deed every day. now before you people go getting ideas about the sinner that i am, i have to tell i am a very good person *smiles*. but i wanted to do a deliberate good deed everyday. little did i have idea that i would be tested for my mettle so early into the year. i wont lie, i had thought a smile to a stranger, helping someone cross the road and stuff like that would suffice my good deed quota for the day. but first day of the year and i am asked to do one of the toughest things any person in my situation could have been asked to do.
now, anyone who has ever been even slightly in love with the dark beauty will appreciate the extent of sacrifice i made when i did what i did. so this is what happened. new year means celebrations and no celebrations for me are complete without chocolate. yes, u got it right, the ecstasy of the dark beauty with its charm, lazed with desire and a lust for more and more- chocolate is an obsession. but what do you do when luck bestows you with a chance to enjoy in its company more than what you paid for and your stupid conscience starts nagging you!?!? you let your conscience take over. thats what i did *bows head for all the sympathies coming in*
scene- room full of people in state of shock and dismay and incredulity
place- our living room
IP- where are the pastries?
me- there are loads of others in that box over there. but there is one chocolate pastry. bakery didn't have anymore. and thats for me. so everyone, back away *brandishes a fork*
sorabh- you mean the one in that little brown box you put away the moment you came in? 
me- yes. why, what did you do? * looks with shock and horror*
sorabh-i, err, i umm * looks at the fork in his hand*
me- YOU DID NOT!!!! *falls exasperated*
radhu- *laughs* well i should get started with my pastries in the meanwhile *smug look*
radhu, di and IP all huddle close to the pastry box while i stand glaring at sorabh with look of betrayal and disbelief in my eyes. suddenly, china crashes, a wave of shock goes across the room. radhu shrieks and di has no clue what to do.
me- what?!?!
IP- you are going to love me for this. there is another chocolate pastry in here *smiles broadly and makes way for me to look at it*
and there it was, sitting innocently, smiling up at all of us, with its large nuts gleaming in the lights abover our heads. i lowered my hand to pick it up and
radhu - didnt we pay for just one? they must have made a mistake and given us extra stuff. 
me- so? they made an honest mistake. forget it, lets indulge *takes a step towards the pastry*
IP- radhu is right. we should pay for it. or give it back
sorabh- am out of dough. 
everyone nods agreement. 
me-this means we are going to have to take it back??? *looks horror stuck*
IP- i think yes *pats me sympathetically while i look like on verge of tears*
after much discussion and lots of jabs at my conscience and million reminders about my good deed of the day resolution, emotional blackmailing about the job that the employee of the pastry shop might lose (no one loses their job over a pastry but my friends tried that on me and it worked). we took the pastry back

scene II- me, radhu and IP stand at the counter with me clutching the box of pastry like my long lost child
location- pastry shop
IP begins to speak and i try holding him back for one last time but in vain.
IP- someone here must have made a mistake. we got extra stuff so we are here to return it.
owner- oh, right. thank you so much. *smiles broadly*
everyone looks at me cuz clearly it was my turn to do the inevitable. i extend the box with a trembling hand. it touches his hand and before i know, my grip is loosening while he is closing in on it with his vice like grip (control! gimme a second, its still a painful memory). and finally, i let go or IP makes me let go
owner- thank you so much
everyone turns to go but i keep standing
owner- *looks confusedly* thank you so much ma'm *smiles another one of his toady smiles*
me- err, right. no worries. we shall go now. thanks. 
and  turn away, with that one last look to that box. i could imagine the pastry smiling at me in an empathetic manner, smiling at the brief, smiling at the change of fate that happened. i walk out of the shop to be applauded by my friends for the heroic deed i did. we hug and come back home.

that was the tale of my
'good deed of the day'. needless to say, i filled my entire quota of good deeds to last me whole year before i have to give up something like that.
lesson learnt- new year resolutions should always come with conditions applied*
DISCLAIMER: i know its long but keeping it shorter would have meant disrespect to memory of the beloved truffle. i hope people can estimate  the sentiments. i am open to sympathies :| also, some of it might be over dramatization of the events but rest of it is absolutely true and unplugged. 

eyes...

she looked at her reflection and it happened again. just like every other hundred times she had looked into those eyes that looked back at her from the silver surface of gleaming glass. those eyes, eyes that were the window for her mind to the world, from where she looked upon everyone out there. those were the eyes everyone looked at and judged her. eyes, a peep into her reflection and her medium to look into others.just like every other time, she was surprised to see those eyes look back at her and realize, they were her eyes...
but oddly, for her, her eyes and her thoughts were two separate things. for her, her thoughts were the real her. what went through her head behind the veil of those eyes, the arguments she had with herself, the dialogs she reserved for real her that lay somewhere inside her. it rested, for most time. but sometimes, it would raise its head, rise from the slumber and those were the blissful moments she was with her true companion, the moments that really mattered, the moments of soliloquy.  rest of the time, it was a charade she lived, a charade she picked up just like that, a charade that the world took for her. she walked through the crowds, knowing eyes following her were mere spectators because all they could see was the reflection she saw in the mirror everyday. they all just looked. no one saw because  no one heard. no one was a guest to the words that defined her.
but she waited....
sometimes in vain, with a sigh but unimaginable patience. she met the world with her eyes and waited patiently to be seen by someone who would listen to her sometime. someone would surely stop and pay attention to her words and not her eyes. that would be the person who would actually see her. and she waited for that person to show up.
until that day, she would keep the charade, she would use that reflection, she would let it be her mask for the world. and one day, she would gladly give it all up, she would be her words, she would be her voice, she would be her thoughts.

bliss

for once, i dont care about how this post looks. i dont care who reads this, how many comments do i get or if i got the perfect picture to go with the content of the post, i dont give a damn if this is a poem that rhymes a bit too much. 

for once, i dont give a damn. 

and i hope, i dont ,ever, in future. EVER!!!!

its a bliss to not care,
its a bliss to not know,
its a bliss to not expect,
its a bliss to let go.
its a bliss to be so oblivious,
that you can't see the truth.
its a bliss to be so hard,
that no pain can get through.
its a bliss to not regret,
its a bliss to forget.
it is such a bliss,
to not miss...

finding love

well, i recently came across a story of  two people madly in love with each other. there is nothing new about that bit. they both met at 14, married young and lived a happy life for few years. and then, everything else caught up. work, appointments, deadlines, chores etc etc etc took up that part of life which was meant to be for love. love stayed or died away, i don't know about that but marriage did fall apart. years of separation later, they both run into each other again. well, while the wife was smarting under the awkwardness of situation, the guy, well, he just stared at her. he looked at her and fell in love, again. you see, the guy had amnesia and over those years, he had lost pretty much all his memories. but he met his ex wife and just like so many years ago, fell in love with her again, wondering all the time what could have possibly gone wrong in the world for him to want to leave such a person.

that says something about love, now, doesn't it. we all find it at sometime and we all do something to lose it. some of us get a chance to make up for our mistakes while others aren't so lucky. but the point is that love does exist all the time but sometimes it is forced to take a back seat what with everything else seeming to be so much more important in our life. maybe its human tendency to seek love but take it for granted as soon as we get it.

so if you love someone but have been wondering about righteousness of the whole thing for some time, stop and look again, think few years hence when maybe you wont have the baggage of life. close your eyes and try to look for that person you fell in love with the first time. i am sure beneath all the tensions and everything else going on, you will find that person still waiting for you right there with same look in their eyes that had you hooked the first time!!!! (cuz like it or not, all of us cant be amnesiac)

the friend

DISCLAIMER-  this post is totally a work of fiction and has no truth behind it, but anyone who can even remotely relate to the piece of art, is welcome to share their views. proceed at your own risk!!! 

 (you have been warned)

                                                              

i hate romantic books cuz they make me feel weird. but i love romantic movies. they have a different feel to them. and almost all the movies of this genre seem to have one thing in common, i mean almost all, The Friend. there is always this ridiculously handsome guy who is great and always has an easy way with women. he meets and parts ways with them. love comes and goes from his life and everything goes on. but all this time, there is one person who stays. thats The Friend. sometimes she is in the backdrop and sometimes she is the main protagonist. but the point is that for that guy, she is always this constant presence that he barely recognizes. she is with him through all the love ties he has but she is someone who is taken for granted by the man she not only loves but who happens to be her best friend, which in my dictionary, stakes higher than love. to hell with the fact that sometimes she may get her love in the end and sometimes she may not. thats for the director to decide. but no one seems to notice her pain and feelings of all those years that are stuck up and she has made through her life with them. she sees him fall for someone, smiles indulgently when he declares he is in love with her, looks upon with painful pleasure when he decides to live happily ever after with that other girl ( mostly a  hot blonde chick) and is there when he comes back heart broken. she looks after him, mends his heart painstakingly and makes it capable of loving someone again. but for what? just so that he can go out and give it to someone else. and it doesnt matter how many times this happens before the guy realizes that she is the one! i am not talking about the consequences here, i am talking about the painful process.

                                                                         

who says a girl and a boy can't be just friends? i am a *the friend* and, honestly,  i am tired of it. i am tired of listening other people talk about their love lives, through their break ups and make ups. i am tired of helping him out pick up the right present, the correct venue for her surprise party, of listening him babble continuously about her. i dont want to be just 'the friend' any  more. i want to be more. i want to be special someone for somebody, i want to be someone that somebody waits for, not someone who waits with him for someone else and fades into the darkness of background once she arrives. i want be the subject of someone's dreams not someone who gets a detailed commentary of the dream which was all about her. i want to be the destination, not the path leading up to it...

blogsville...

okay, so i have been gone from this place for quite some time now, not that someone sat and noticed. but the thing is i actually ran out of any stuff to talk about. the urge to write was gone. and even though i tried hard, i just couldnt come up with anything. and if it had come down to trying to write, i was missing the whole point anyway. so i gave up.

recently, when i finally decided that it was time for me to get back in this world, i started working on it. i went through different pages in a hope to be able to find something that would strike a chord and something would stir. so numerous posts, countless words and unimaginable comments later here i am actually writing a post. something did strike a chord after all. and that happened to be the blogsville itself. while i was rummaging through different people's thoughts, poking my nose somewhere, a finger here, an eye there, the thing that struck me the most was the magnanimity of this whole thing. i realized, for the first time actually, what a real cool place this is. unlike the real world, there is a space for everyone to be themselves. there is a hopeless variety of webpages here. someone is talking about their daily life, someone is writing stories, someone is putting up serious questions to think about, someone is being funny, someone is teaching is vocabulary and someone else just being here. no one really knows anyone else here. most people dont even know the real names of people they have met and befriended here. they have never seen each other and yet they are more real than the 'real' world out there in many forms.

some to think of it, it is an interesting spot. you can talk about your heartaches, bitch about your boss, talk about your crush, crack jokes, write funny stories etc etc etc. you could be anyone during the day but here, you can be yourself, if you choose to be. you dont have to pretend to like anything just for sake of it, no need to put up with stuff tat you dont like. you could be in a boring marketing job or have to sit and stare at numbers whole day long to make a living- but when you are here, you can be a kid, an intellectual, the prankster, the funny guy, the witty one, the storyteller, the english teacher or anyone else you want to be. it is all about you and thats gotta be different from the rest of the stuff.

it was not intended to be a post, not that it is actually. only that while thinking about all sorts of things i could write about to actually come back here, i realized for the first time what had i been missing on all these days. i am glad i realized that. so cheers to all bloggers, who like me, know about the real worth of this virtual world.

                                                              
all i can say is, its such a bliss to be back!! ;)

get.set.go.

okay, its been around 15 days since i came back and i am fairly late in posting. but still, better late than never!!!
anyhow, well, we had htis little educational tour thingy this semester (only god knows what was so educational about it!!!) and i was anxious!! yes. okay, i have done my bit of travelling and its not like i was leaving my house for the first time or something yet something bothered me. whenever i thought of 15 days i would have to be away from house, i could never think of fun or good time with friends. it was always with some anxiety (as a result of which my mum had a real clean house, refer to last post for better understanding) but as you can see, a fortnight later, i am still in hangover of that trip. needless to say, i had an awesome time!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, our journey started on a cold jan morning and me crying. yes, i cried before leaving the house (okay, laugh all u want to. so did my sis!!!!) but still, i did. i barley let go of my dad (go on, laugh a bit more). well, we rolled into a sleepy start and before we knew, all of us were having a blast together.
a six hour journey to delhi went in a blink of eye!!! some waiting and we were on our way to hyderabad!! visiting various spots in hyderabad  like the film city, golconda fort, char Minar, NTR garden, birla temple, and many more places that i do not remember right now. a two day stay there went by in a firenze with almost no sleep, lots of travelling, shouting and laughing!!!

next stop was bangalore. after an overnight journey where none of us really had any rest, we reached bangalore which was pleasantly cold after hyderbad's hot weather. although that was just a misunderstanding. two hours into the city and we were beaten in bangaluru's heat!! although, rain came as a pleasant surprise in evening and we all were soaked. running across on roads, in rain, was a first time for me and i daresay, i enjoyed it!!! :P

bangaluru led to mysore which was just as pleasant although i have to admit, i dont remember much of it (except that one of my fav pics was in mysore!! ;) ) a blur of a day in mysore and we moved to ooty. which was freakingly cold. atleast it felt that way after three hot cities. a nice cup of ooty's special tea, lots of shopping, some racket on roads later, we felt very much at ease with this 'queen of hills' town of south!! a night in ooty, with campfire, lots of dancing and singing, we faced an entire day of travelling. back to bangaluru from ooty to take train to goa. 9 hours or something by bus, an entire night's journey in train, and another three or four hours drive and we reached panaji!! goa turned out to be better than i had ever imagined!!!! sunny, sandy and water!!!! i loved it!!!! goa's cruise, beaches, people, drinks, everything about it was awesome!!!!! i dont think we could have had a better place to welcome 2010 than goa. crazy parties, dancing and hell lot of fun!!!!!!!

and then, we moved onto our last spot-- amchi mumbai!!!
to tell the truth, i was very sceptical about the city due its sheer size. but i have to say, i was more than pleasantly surprised to be there. i fell in love with that place. we spent entire two days on roads (we had a hotel, ofcourse. i meant traveling) looking at mumbai in all its glory... juhu beach, marine drive, elephanta caves, essel world, fashion street, the Gateway, the Taj, bandra. kolaba, khar etc etc etc. names i had just heard before, i saw them now and i have to say, mumbai was warmer than i had thought (and i dont mean weather)..



and before we knew, it was time to come back. we took our last train to bring us back home. but it wasnt the end. i would say our journey backhome was one of the best parts of the entire trip. main attraction, friends,of course. on our way back, we did some talking. no actually a lot of talking. for 20 hours straight- nothing but talking. discussing every possible thing in the world, knowing each other for the first time!!

you see, thats wat my biggest fear was. what was i gonna do with people i had spent past three years with but barely knew. but iam glad i went ahead with this thing cuz now i know them real good. i have friends now, real good friends, people i didnt even know existd before are now important to me. and i usually take time making friends!!! so thats saying some thing!
i dunno which part of these 15days was educational but i did learn a lot. i learnt how toplay cards, and manygames at that, i learnt how to carry heavy luggage on stations, i learnt how to adjust with someone who doesnt feel same way as me about the air conditioning of the room, how to manage money without losing it, how to have lots of fun with new people and .....
 how to move on and........


 make new friends!!!!

its clean up time!!!

okay, so with my exams over, there is so much to do yet i cant start. well, just dazed with so much of time after ages!!! anyway, well, just as last exams are hardest to study for and your mind tends to waver to every possible nook of the world other than the text in front of you, my eyes went around my room and i realized it looked a little short of Neanderthals' caves!

well,i had been living in it, with same condition for past one  month but you see, i have this habit. wenever i am anxious, i clean. mess starts to bother me, although i might claim the same mess to be part of my room ten minutes ago! so as u can guess, i was anxious.

this is a habit i picked up i dunno when. before i knew, i was scrubbing my worries away! more was the anxiety, greater was scrubbing and rubbing and varnishing!! i forgot to mention this thing in that list of seven things about myself that no one knew. well, yeah, no one knew about this habit which was such a 'bliss' in disguise! think about it, you are worried, you clean, you feel better and your room's cleaner!!
untill....

until the day my mum found out about it. now, any mum would be pleasantly surprised to see her not-so-tidy kid clean up. constant pestering, a little too many praises and one bright radiant smile and i gave in.
mum: oh, u are cleaning! that is so ...
me: unusual
mum: yeah. and great too.
me: well, ma to tell the truth, i was cleaning cuz i felt terrible and cleaning makes me feel better.
pause
mum: oh..

well, ever since then, this little secret activity of releaving my tension didnt remain , well, a secret. soon, my entire clan knew about it.my mum, u'd expect she'd be glad about occasional cleaning i got down to doing. but somehow, the  whole thing was so much more amusing to her than i had thought..

me:  with a rag in my hand.
mum: what are you up to?
me: nothing. just that stain on mirror was bugging me.
mum: whats wrong?
me: nothing ma.
mum: looks suspiciously then leave the rag alone and go watch t.v.
now thats got to be first time in history that a mom, no, my mom asked me to quit cleaning and watch T.V. :O
but that happened.
me: etching to clean the stain, i tried to leave the room. but when has a mom given up. 
mum: grabs the rag.
me: alright!! stop pestering me! i had a fight with dipti! jeez, ma, umust have been on CIA's interrogation team sometime!!!
mum: smiling all over


 as if that wasnt enough, there is more.

akshay: hey sis, how is it going?
me: great!
akshay: coming today, right?
me:yeah, ofcourse.
akshay: how u feeling?
me: perfect
akshay: oh
me: why??? *very suspicious* 
akshay: oh well, my room's all messy!
dial tone.....


me: looking at the messy tableon my room real closely.
sis: wats up?
yeah, my family is always around to ask 'wats up"
me: nope, nothing. going back to my work.
sis: looks like someone's upset!
me: smacking my head looks like someone talked to mom!
sis: smiling all over

 well, here is this last instance, wen i knew i couldnt take it another bit. i knew i had had enough of jokes, and poking at my silly habit.

me: scrubbing refrigerator
dad: hey, where i that... why are you rubbing this thing?
me: shit! nothing dad. just like that. it was dirty.
dad: looks at me suspiciouly....
dad: okay. go on, but first help me find my glasses!
me: phew!!!!
moving over to help him find his glasses on his head!!!
you see, my dad isnt part of my mom and sisters' gang, being the odd one out!!!

well, no surprise, i gave up that habit or so they think! i still clean wen tensed. i mean, honestly people, this is probably one good habit i have and i wont give it up cuz my mum finds it amusing! i wil fight back!
my fight for my rights to vent my feelings in watever weird way i'd like to! even if that means i do it secretly now!!!
thats my own little rebellion...

where are all the Indians!!!

alright, i am gonna get straight to the topic since i am so in a no-nonsense mood.. anyone would be, being stuck in their house for three whole days, with nothing to do but study, of course, worry about the exams that  might never happen and a stupid curfew.
yes, its third day today and a fourth one of similar nature is almost sure. and for all those who dont know wat am i talking about, i am talking about the aggressive situation building up in Punjab. what started as a minor rift between cops and some people became a big protest including firing, tear gas, swords(yes swords) and what not. people have dies, many have been injured and yet the situation seems on verge of going out of hands..
i am not going to get into 'why cant govt do something about it' or 'what are the police doing' crap cuz they have nothing to do with it. if things are going bad or have gone bad in past, thats cuz we let them.

i wonder, when has India been a country?? its always been in bits-sometimes called provinces, sometimes colonies, sometimes castes and sometimes states. but never a nation as a whole. and who is responsible for tearing it apart every single day even without their knowledge- us of course. we are doing it, every day, ever moment and dont even know about it.
why cant we let humans be humans alone?? why do they have to come so many tags? is being an Indian or above all a human not enough?? if classification's what we are looking for, go look humans up in any biology book. you'd find classification long and complex enough to satisfy your whims.
please let people be!!!! states, castes, races, areas, religion, majority, minority- name it and we have a way to divide ourselves...
i dont get it at all!!!! i mean, here we are, sitting inour homes, terrified,somewhat yes, wondering wats going to happen.
forget about the ethics, if you wanna talk present, think about all the economy thats suffering and that suffers each time an Indian decided to flare his sword at another Indian, think of lives that are disrupted each time we decide to weaken ourselves in name of whatever is the latest trend!!!!

tell me one part of this secular, proud-of-its-diversity-of-religions country that has not bled in name of communalism!!! Mumbai, Delhi, Punjab, Gujarat, Jammu and Kashmir- which not!!!!

come on guys, what are we doing??!! what are we waiting for? no one is gonna tell us to stop doing it until we do it ourselves. there is not going to be any divine intervention cuz all the divinity is wasted on making us humans-something we are definitely not good at!!!!!!!
lets not wait for another 1984, 26/11, or another 50 years of terrified Kashmir.
honestly, i could go on and on about this. this is a sort of wrath i have never felt before, and i get angry a lot!!!!!! so thats saying something...
i have said all i had to, okay maybe bits of it. but is anyone listening???