phases that are...

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head  for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it.  i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey... 

my pastry tale...

well new year, as in the new year moment came and went. and with it came lots of other things, the nostalgia, the hope for future, the anticipation, the fun with friends, the crazy partying and the new year resolutions. i know many people don't believe in new year resolutions anymore but i do. and so, i made a new year resolution to do one good deed every day. now before you people go getting ideas about the sinner that i am, i have to tell i am a very good person *smiles*. but i wanted to do a deliberate good deed everyday. little did i have idea that i would be tested for my mettle so early into the year. i wont lie, i had thought a smile to a stranger, helping someone cross the road and stuff like that would suffice my good deed quota for the day. but first day of the year and i am asked to do one of the toughest things any person in my situation could have been asked to do.
now, anyone who has ever been even slightly in love with the dark beauty will appreciate the extent of sacrifice i made when i did what i did. so this is what happened. new year means celebrations and no celebrations for me are complete without chocolate. yes, u got it right, the ecstasy of the dark beauty with its charm, lazed with desire and a lust for more and more- chocolate is an obsession. but what do you do when luck bestows you with a chance to enjoy in its company more than what you paid for and your stupid conscience starts nagging you!?!? you let your conscience take over. thats what i did *bows head for all the sympathies coming in*
scene- room full of people in state of shock and dismay and incredulity
place- our living room
IP- where are the pastries?
me- there are loads of others in that box over there. but there is one chocolate pastry. bakery didn't have anymore. and thats for me. so everyone, back away *brandishes a fork*
sorabh- you mean the one in that little brown box you put away the moment you came in? 
me- yes. why, what did you do? * looks with shock and horror*
sorabh-i, err, i umm * looks at the fork in his hand*
me- YOU DID NOT!!!! *falls exasperated*
radhu- *laughs* well i should get started with my pastries in the meanwhile *smug look*
radhu, di and IP all huddle close to the pastry box while i stand glaring at sorabh with look of betrayal and disbelief in my eyes. suddenly, china crashes, a wave of shock goes across the room. radhu shrieks and di has no clue what to do.
me- what?!?!
IP- you are going to love me for this. there is another chocolate pastry in here *smiles broadly and makes way for me to look at it*
and there it was, sitting innocently, smiling up at all of us, with its large nuts gleaming in the lights abover our heads. i lowered my hand to pick it up and
radhu - didnt we pay for just one? they must have made a mistake and given us extra stuff. 
me- so? they made an honest mistake. forget it, lets indulge *takes a step towards the pastry*
IP- radhu is right. we should pay for it. or give it back
sorabh- am out of dough. 
everyone nods agreement. 
me-this means we are going to have to take it back??? *looks horror stuck*
IP- i think yes *pats me sympathetically while i look like on verge of tears*
after much discussion and lots of jabs at my conscience and million reminders about my good deed of the day resolution, emotional blackmailing about the job that the employee of the pastry shop might lose (no one loses their job over a pastry but my friends tried that on me and it worked). we took the pastry back

scene II- me, radhu and IP stand at the counter with me clutching the box of pastry like my long lost child
location- pastry shop
IP begins to speak and i try holding him back for one last time but in vain.
IP- someone here must have made a mistake. we got extra stuff so we are here to return it.
owner- oh, right. thank you so much. *smiles broadly*
everyone looks at me cuz clearly it was my turn to do the inevitable. i extend the box with a trembling hand. it touches his hand and before i know, my grip is loosening while he is closing in on it with his vice like grip (control! gimme a second, its still a painful memory). and finally, i let go or IP makes me let go
owner- thank you so much
everyone turns to go but i keep standing
owner- *looks confusedly* thank you so much ma'm *smiles another one of his toady smiles*
me- err, right. no worries. we shall go now. thanks. 
and  turn away, with that one last look to that box. i could imagine the pastry smiling at me in an empathetic manner, smiling at the brief, smiling at the change of fate that happened. i walk out of the shop to be applauded by my friends for the heroic deed i did. we hug and come back home.

that was the tale of my
'good deed of the day'. needless to say, i filled my entire quota of good deeds to last me whole year before i have to give up something like that.
lesson learnt- new year resolutions should always come with conditions applied*
DISCLAIMER: i know its long but keeping it shorter would have meant disrespect to memory of the beloved truffle. i hope people can estimate  the sentiments. i am open to sympathies :| also, some of it might be over dramatization of the events but rest of it is absolutely true and unplugged. 

eyes...

she looked at her reflection and it happened again. just like every other hundred times she had looked into those eyes that looked back at her from the silver surface of gleaming glass. those eyes, eyes that were the window for her mind to the world, from where she looked upon everyone out there. those were the eyes everyone looked at and judged her. eyes, a peep into her reflection and her medium to look into others.just like every other time, she was surprised to see those eyes look back at her and realize, they were her eyes...
but oddly, for her, her eyes and her thoughts were two separate things. for her, her thoughts were the real her. what went through her head behind the veil of those eyes, the arguments she had with herself, the dialogs she reserved for real her that lay somewhere inside her. it rested, for most time. but sometimes, it would raise its head, rise from the slumber and those were the blissful moments she was with her true companion, the moments that really mattered, the moments of soliloquy.  rest of the time, it was a charade she lived, a charade she picked up just like that, a charade that the world took for her. she walked through the crowds, knowing eyes following her were mere spectators because all they could see was the reflection she saw in the mirror everyday. they all just looked. no one saw because  no one heard. no one was a guest to the words that defined her.
but she waited....
sometimes in vain, with a sigh but unimaginable patience. she met the world with her eyes and waited patiently to be seen by someone who would listen to her sometime. someone would surely stop and pay attention to her words and not her eyes. that would be the person who would actually see her. and she waited for that person to show up.
until that day, she would keep the charade, she would use that reflection, she would let it be her mask for the world. and one day, she would gladly give it all up, she would be her words, she would be her voice, she would be her thoughts.

bliss

for once, i dont care about how this post looks. i dont care who reads this, how many comments do i get or if i got the perfect picture to go with the content of the post, i dont give a damn if this is a poem that rhymes a bit too much. 

for once, i dont give a damn. 

and i hope, i dont ,ever, in future. EVER!!!!

its a bliss to not care,
its a bliss to not know,
its a bliss to not expect,
its a bliss to let go.
its a bliss to be so oblivious,
that you can't see the truth.
its a bliss to be so hard,
that no pain can get through.
its a bliss to not regret,
its a bliss to forget.
it is such a bliss,
to not miss...

finding love

well, i recently came across a story of  two people madly in love with each other. there is nothing new about that bit. they both met at 14, married young and lived a happy life for few years. and then, everything else caught up. work, appointments, deadlines, chores etc etc etc took up that part of life which was meant to be for love. love stayed or died away, i don't know about that but marriage did fall apart. years of separation later, they both run into each other again. well, while the wife was smarting under the awkwardness of situation, the guy, well, he just stared at her. he looked at her and fell in love, again. you see, the guy had amnesia and over those years, he had lost pretty much all his memories. but he met his ex wife and just like so many years ago, fell in love with her again, wondering all the time what could have possibly gone wrong in the world for him to want to leave such a person.

that says something about love, now, doesn't it. we all find it at sometime and we all do something to lose it. some of us get a chance to make up for our mistakes while others aren't so lucky. but the point is that love does exist all the time but sometimes it is forced to take a back seat what with everything else seeming to be so much more important in our life. maybe its human tendency to seek love but take it for granted as soon as we get it.

so if you love someone but have been wondering about righteousness of the whole thing for some time, stop and look again, think few years hence when maybe you wont have the baggage of life. close your eyes and try to look for that person you fell in love with the first time. i am sure beneath all the tensions and everything else going on, you will find that person still waiting for you right there with same look in their eyes that had you hooked the first time!!!! (cuz like it or not, all of us cant be amnesiac)

the friend

DISCLAIMER-  this post is totally a work of fiction and has no truth behind it, but anyone who can even remotely relate to the piece of art, is welcome to share their views. proceed at your own risk!!! 

 (you have been warned)

                                                              

i hate romantic books cuz they make me feel weird. but i love romantic movies. they have a different feel to them. and almost all the movies of this genre seem to have one thing in common, i mean almost all, The Friend. there is always this ridiculously handsome guy who is great and always has an easy way with women. he meets and parts ways with them. love comes and goes from his life and everything goes on. but all this time, there is one person who stays. thats The Friend. sometimes she is in the backdrop and sometimes she is the main protagonist. but the point is that for that guy, she is always this constant presence that he barely recognizes. she is with him through all the love ties he has but she is someone who is taken for granted by the man she not only loves but who happens to be her best friend, which in my dictionary, stakes higher than love. to hell with the fact that sometimes she may get her love in the end and sometimes she may not. thats for the director to decide. but no one seems to notice her pain and feelings of all those years that are stuck up and she has made through her life with them. she sees him fall for someone, smiles indulgently when he declares he is in love with her, looks upon with painful pleasure when he decides to live happily ever after with that other girl ( mostly a  hot blonde chick) and is there when he comes back heart broken. she looks after him, mends his heart painstakingly and makes it capable of loving someone again. but for what? just so that he can go out and give it to someone else. and it doesnt matter how many times this happens before the guy realizes that she is the one! i am not talking about the consequences here, i am talking about the painful process.

                                                                         

who says a girl and a boy can't be just friends? i am a *the friend* and, honestly,  i am tired of it. i am tired of listening other people talk about their love lives, through their break ups and make ups. i am tired of helping him out pick up the right present, the correct venue for her surprise party, of listening him babble continuously about her. i dont want to be just 'the friend' any  more. i want to be more. i want to be special someone for somebody, i want to be someone that somebody waits for, not someone who waits with him for someone else and fades into the darkness of background once she arrives. i want be the subject of someone's dreams not someone who gets a detailed commentary of the dream which was all about her. i want to be the destination, not the path leading up to it...

blogsville...

okay, so i have been gone from this place for quite some time now, not that someone sat and noticed. but the thing is i actually ran out of any stuff to talk about. the urge to write was gone. and even though i tried hard, i just couldnt come up with anything. and if it had come down to trying to write, i was missing the whole point anyway. so i gave up.

recently, when i finally decided that it was time for me to get back in this world, i started working on it. i went through different pages in a hope to be able to find something that would strike a chord and something would stir. so numerous posts, countless words and unimaginable comments later here i am actually writing a post. something did strike a chord after all. and that happened to be the blogsville itself. while i was rummaging through different people's thoughts, poking my nose somewhere, a finger here, an eye there, the thing that struck me the most was the magnanimity of this whole thing. i realized, for the first time actually, what a real cool place this is. unlike the real world, there is a space for everyone to be themselves. there is a hopeless variety of webpages here. someone is talking about their daily life, someone is writing stories, someone is putting up serious questions to think about, someone is being funny, someone is teaching is vocabulary and someone else just being here. no one really knows anyone else here. most people dont even know the real names of people they have met and befriended here. they have never seen each other and yet they are more real than the 'real' world out there in many forms.

some to think of it, it is an interesting spot. you can talk about your heartaches, bitch about your boss, talk about your crush, crack jokes, write funny stories etc etc etc. you could be anyone during the day but here, you can be yourself, if you choose to be. you dont have to pretend to like anything just for sake of it, no need to put up with stuff tat you dont like. you could be in a boring marketing job or have to sit and stare at numbers whole day long to make a living- but when you are here, you can be a kid, an intellectual, the prankster, the funny guy, the witty one, the storyteller, the english teacher or anyone else you want to be. it is all about you and thats gotta be different from the rest of the stuff.

it was not intended to be a post, not that it is actually. only that while thinking about all sorts of things i could write about to actually come back here, i realized for the first time what had i been missing on all these days. i am glad i realized that. so cheers to all bloggers, who like me, know about the real worth of this virtual world.

                                                              
all i can say is, its such a bliss to be back!! ;)