too many questions!!!

i have been away from the blogger world for quite some time now! no,it wasnt anywriters' block neither was it the fact that i was totally ground in work.. i just didnt have any inclination to write.. not that anyone was asking me about it, i am still saying it cuz i wanna say it... these past days have been weird, full of ups and downs.. sometimes too much to do, sometimes nth at all!!! sometimes its a full show and sometimes kinda lonely.. thats life summed up but on my part, it was just a summary of these last few days.. over this past time, there are certain things about myself and people around me that i have realised.. i realised how little allthose people i thought knew me, actually know me.. i also realised how difficult it is for me to tlak about myself. i realised it is easy to be lonely even wen u have loads of people around you...


along with these realisations, there were questions that i came up with.. actually questions came up to me.. and now, i cant get them outta my head.
* is it too much to expect someone to understand things you cant say?

*is it too bad a thing to be not able to say things u wanna  say???

*is it okay to be lonely even though you have world's most wonderful friends?

*is it alright to be sad for things u have no clue about, reasons you dont know and things you cant explain?

*is it alright to not wanna meet people, people who love youand you know it?

*is it okay to worry about someone else's share of life??

*is it okay to laugh on outside wen your heart iis crying from within??

*is it okay to wanna run away from eth, shut your self in a room and never wanna come out of it?

*is it okay to still love someone you had wanted to let go off ages ago??


God, this list is endless...... as u people must have known by now, this is not a happy post. i dont know people, it just isnt..and yeah, sth is definitely  bugging me, i just dont know wat is it!!! and no, it isnt a heart ache post about how i am still not over someone.... that might be a component but thats definitely not the whole thing...

just dont know..
all i can think of right now is the famous lines..

                                 har kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta,
                                      kisi ko zameen kisi ko asmaan nahi milta...

The secret

would you like to be the secret of someone's life!!???

Just popped into my head while iw as flipping through channels....

cupid, i dont like u much!!!

                                                             
 okay, the title may sound weird at first but trust me, i am a normal girl with no qualm whatsoever with love and associated feelings. infact, i would love to fall in love one day, like all other fellow human beings out there. but yeah, there is somethng in this relation that i do not like. what i don tlike is the initial phases of a thing, just when feelings ae kindling up, just when you are beginning to realise about your feelibgs for someone. call me weird, but thats how it is....
i hate having a crush on someone!!!! i do, i really do!!! okay, to have someone you think about often, which might give you incentive towards something might sound like just added advantages to the fact the your heart is warming up to someone and opening itself to new vistas of life, right? no!!i doesnt.not to  me anyway!. what i think of having crush on someone is that you become constantly aware of someone's presence or absence. what they or how they behave becomes so much more important than it is.you start evaluating their every action with much more detail, much more than you do yours!!!! everything you do, somehow tracks youback to the thought that how might that action of yours affect that person!! now comeon, how well have you done on your exam, tht could not, in whole wide world, affect your crush's feelings. but no, thought is a far fetched thing during that phase of life.
and dont even get me started on what happens when the person u have a crush is in the same room as you. besides the usual tripping, just cuz you were not apying attention to where you were going(do i need to elaborate what were you doing when u werent watching your step!!!), making a fool of yourself in front of an entire room full of people and ofcourse that one blessed read darn soul too, your walk is altered, you cant walk straight neither can keep a straight face even if you are trying your level best to ignore snide remarks or sniggers of your friends at your altered attitude and ofcourse previous tripping session. work at hand seems so less important once that person walks in and yet you try, maybe not frantically, but in subtle ways to work it out in such a way that your crush will notice you. pretty dumb, huh?? not to someone who's been smitten by the love bug!! constant teasing , constant poking, constant craning of neck to see where that one person is, constant loss of attention in your conversation cuz your ears are trying to pick up fragements of conversation going on in other part of room-this is all a part of package deal of CRUSH!!!

but more than all these things what i hate the most about having a crush on someone tht it ruins your chances of having an issueless friendship with someone. and if you, somehow, develop a crush for a friend, well, in some part of wrold that might be a happy scenario, but not in my nook of univrese. i think having feelings associated with a friend complicated matters more than you sign up for.. it does affect friendship somewhere. the pangs of jealousy when your friend mentions othre people, a constant joke of finding each other a corresponding girlfriend/boyfriend starts hurting you when it shouldnt. objectivity goes away from what you say to them and how they respond to your things!!
although crush in itself sounds bad to me, even worse situation is, yes there is a worst case scenario, is when you cant pluck enough courage to tell that person how much he/she means to you. you stand there, waiting for them to somehow seee things you cant bring yourself up to say, for watever reasons. and when they dont, all you are left with is a hurt heart, bruised dignity and a throbbing toe!!

and yet you cant help the stupid thing!! you cant help the warmth that comes to your face when you see that person, you cant suppress the smile when that one person throws back his/her head to laugh at a joke!!! you cant, you just cant help it at all!!!! see what a vicious circle it is!!!
no wonder i hate it!!!

P.S. all the above mentiopned conditions are a result of my case studies on specimens of species homo sapiens going through this condition at some point of time. any resemblance with any person, known or unknown, is purely coincidental. no section of this writing bears any connection to the author except the fact that she thought of all the wonderfull words in her own little head!!

hey guys, wait up!!

she was standing looking out of window of her 34th floor corner office, lost in thought. she had just recvd a letter from her school, god , that was ages ago!!, notifying her abt the ten year reunion. that was odd. just wen life ha dmoving at such a fast pace, wen ties with the old world were as good as broken, this came as a weird surprise. good or bad, she didnt know but this got her thinking.. memories that had been locked up in some box stirred, raised their heads and made their presence felt after wat felt like an eternity......

it was a normal morning. but she woke up dreading every single moment.it was her last official day at school. with their exams over, this was one last day, a day of party at school. yes, their school was giving a party,a farewell party. since it was gonna be a day of fun, wat with exams finally over, she felt she cud spare a moment of relief but somehow that was exactly wat she wasnt feeling. her last two years at school had been full of tumult. with tests, deadlines, assignemnts, more tests, tensions all the time to give it ur all, make it to the best place , life had been one bumpy ride. but even amongst all the tyranny, these two years meant more to her than her entire school life put together.cuz while life was throwing volley of troubles at her, she had found wat she had been looking for her entire life- her frnds!!!!!
just wen she was thinking of her life over past two years, she heard her mom calling,"c'mon sakshi, wake up. madhu is on line". then thinking of all those ppl, she felt that eth wasnt over, she had no reason to be sad, not yet!!!
" hey sakshi. u were asleep???" asked madhu inher excited tone. "naah, i was just up. so tell me, wassup?" said sakshi, still half asleep. "okay, actually i wanted to tell u that we all are gathering upat vinisha's house. u be there by ten. and then we will all go together. and also please bring along some red accessories. i dont really have nay good ones. are u okay?? u sound depressed" said madhu. that was her. she was the one who alwys made plans, informed everyone and was first one to sense someone's bad mood. " naah naah, m fine. i just woke up so thats y i might be sounding like that. i will be there on time and will get watever i have to match ur dress. see ya." said sakshi and she hung up.
"helllo aunty, is everyone here?? is vinisha ready??" asked sakshi as she entered vinisha's house, a little late but still within time limits. "hello sakshi.almost evryone is here. but vinisha, well... she is a differnet story, u know her too well. she just got up." said vinisha's mom. smiling, sakshi went in, only to find mehak screaming at top of her voice " how can u not be ready by now?? u just got up??? now plz hurry up. we are all already late. where is pankhudi??? she is always late. comeon ppl, we cant be late to our own farewell party. thats y i said let everyone be ready by nine. tabhi tum log dus baje tak ready hote..." glad that she, atleast was just a bit out of time slot, sakshi went into the room. minutes went by, and soon pankhudi shuffled into the room."late as usual, arent u??" fumed mehak. "yaar my kinetic. it was puncturd. at last min i got my brother to get it repaired. then the traffic, u know na. sorry." rambled pankhudi, knowin her effort was futile since everyone knew y exactly was she late. she, like vinisha, must have woken up late and then spent hours trying to decide wat to wear etc etc etc." yaar sakshi, are my hair okay?? i dont think so. can sth be done now?? i am not looking too good, am i? i am looking alright, haina?" asked pankhudi trying to fix her hair. "u look great pankhudi" said madhu. " nahi, i dont think so. i think m lookiing a bit blown away." replied pankhudi. " wat?" asked madhu and sakshi together. mehak was too busy fuming and supreet was trying to calm her down. "yeah, blownaway. as in, udi udi. dont u think so??" she said, with a perfectly straight face and then broke into a laughter which continued for some good ten minutes, going from a smile to silent giggles which ended in just her moving crazily with no audible sound coming out to ensure if she was laughing or just choking. finally wen she calmed down, ppl knew, it was just her old hysterical laughter. soon they all got dressed and made it to the spot in time.

party was going on. everyone was having time of their lives."hey guys, lets go see our classroom" suggested sakshi. just as the song was changing. evryone was panting from an hour of dancing, looking flushed but exhilarated all the same. everyone agreed. so they all made their way to their classroom.all went in there. this room had given them some real good and bad memories. " vinisha remember how we always ate our lunch in our botany period on that last bench?" said madhu, smiling. "yeah. and remember wen once we were midway our bag of chips, mam asked me a ques and i had to answer!!" replied vinisha, reliving that moment. "i still dont know how u managed it!!!" said sakshi. " pooch mat yaaar!!" said vinisha. " arrey this chutki is much more shaani than she looks" said madhu, broadly grinning now. mehak said, "remember that time wen ur phone rang in the class, sakshi!! i still remmebr look on goldie's face!!" goldie was their physics teacher and  happened to be in class at time of that incident. his name wasnt really goldie. but somehow this nickname had beaten him in reaching the school. "but he was really nice yaaar." said pankhudi, after she had controlled her silent giggles, as usual!!" u know madhu, i didnt really like u in beginning. i mean, i used to think u were mean and a bighead" said sakshi, kina confessing."wat?? really??" said madhu, amazed. "u know sakshi, i felt that way abt u. i had even heard ppl talking that u were this big head, pain in the ass." butt in pankhudi, with a wicked smile. "now u r kidding, arent u?? " replied sakshi."m telling plain truth." said pankhudi with innocence to beat a three a year old's. "well, in my defence, now u all know how deceptive looks can be" said sakshi, indignanatly. "thats y i never blv mehak wen she says she sayd she is not mad at us and puts up a matching look cuz i know, looks are deceptive!!" said supreet, grinning from ear to ear. they all roared in laughter, with mehak joining in!!! that was one good moment togehter.
shortly  they heard sounds outside the room and knew it was time for princi's speech. so all left the room. sakshi, deep in her thoughts didnt realise everyone had left. she was still thinking abt how that room had changed her life, cuz that was where she had met every single one of the souls that were her treasure now!!! she looke darnd to find herself alone in room. she ran after her frnds, calling 'hey guys, wait up1!!"


sakshi stirred, as if rising from a dream. it was nth short of that. thought of times wen she was with those ppl felt nth else but a dream which was lost now. but the letter in her hand reminded her, the dream wasnt lost, not yet!!!
she made her way to her school. it felt weird. she hadnt been back to the place in ten years. place where she had got virtually her entire education, god, how had it changed. but she wondered if sth of the old buillding wud be retained. most of it had been changed indeeed. reception was much more fancy, gate was much more intimidating, none of the faces looked familiar. eth looked alien and aloof. before she knew, teras were streaming out of her eyes, wondering how much had changed in all these years, worrying if ath wud be same, wondering if anyone wud be same. as she was walking, she saw a familiar corridor and walked along it, forgetting abt the main event going on in the hall. it looked familiar although a lot had been changed here too. paint was different, posters were changed, names of defaulters on notice board were different. she stopped to read some of them and came across goldie's name. god, he was still here!!! maybe he had changed a lot too. wondering if he wud even remember her after so long time, she made a mental note to meet himlater. she proceeded and then, sth more than familiar reached her ears. those were voices she had been yearning to hear like forever now.. with quicker steps, voices growing louder and louder, she made her way to the room. as she took the turn, her heart beating madly within her, she caught the sight she had not thought she wud see in her living moment ever again. as she stopped at the door, five pairs of eyes turned to look at her. her heart skipped a beat. and came back with energy more than she cud handle. the joy was sth she had thought she was incapable of feeling. she had no clue her heart cud show emotions of such magnitude.they were all sitting casually on benches, "we were wondering wat kept u. i was beginning to think u wudnt come at all!!" said vinisha.she was still the same, much older, yes. but still little and blv it or not, she still had her pony tail!!! " i knew u wud come. i kept telling them u wudnt misss it for the world!!" said madhu, as she came forward to hug her. they all came together. god, that was a moment which writers over ages have described as wen the world comes to a standstill. they all felt nth else but the sensation of trembling body next to them, of tears streaming from each eye, of every smile which was curling arnd corners of lips now since the tearful part was over. "i guess we shud go meet the rest of the ppl too. and lets go to my house after this. afterall, our farewell started from my house and our reunion shud involve my house too. wat say??" said vinisha, wiping her face of tears worth ten years. everyone nodded. they all started going out of the room. sakshi was left behind looking for her tissue.

she turned arnd to find her alone in the room. all had left to meet others. thinking things cudnt have changed that much afterall, she rushed after them, smiling all over, calling "hey guys, wait up!!!"....

whats with life??

having been confided in my house for an entire day due to rain, i had nth better to do than to lie arnd, try to sleep which i cudnt cuz my sister wudnt let me( god knows y!!! she has her exam tomorrow and acc to her my staying awake somehow helps her study better!!!! *rolls eyes* yeah she is the same one i baked cake for. guess its time for revenge!), no tv to watch cuz my dad's been going on with his cricket :( and nth much to do here wither. so story cut short, i had nth better to to so i did some thinking. serious intellectual thinking.  and the conclusions i came up with havent really made me too happy.

the thing is, i have had a very average life all this time. i mean like forever!!! nth in my life has evr been extraordinary, out of proportions...
see, i live in a nation which is neither too poor, nor too rich, neither too weak, nor too strong. somewhere in the middle, right? no offence to all the patriots out there. i love my country just as much as u do but thats a reality. and its not like its bad or sth. just plain truth. my state, punjab is again, neither too rich nor too poor, neither too backward nor too developed. hence again, average. agreed?
my city, ludhiana is just the same. do u want me to repeat the lines?? u get the general idea, dont u? hence, proved yet again, average!! no offence to anyone, but thats true.. that was scene at large. even in my personal life, i have had eth lying somewhere in the middle. just abt average. average looking, average student, average player, average average average!! god, that word sounds weird now!!1
the reason i am ranting abt it all is that i got to thinking that wat if all my life is gone living this way? average way, i mean. i have big plans for life, i want to achieve a lot of stuff. i have dreams i want fulfilled and lemme tell u, not all of them are just abt average!

when i was a kid, somehow i developed  a view abt life that was a bit different from the real world. as i grew, one after another of my many perceptions shattered. so now that i am onto all the thinking, i was wondering wat if all my perceptions for my future crumble to ground just like they did in past? i know having my dreams come true depends on me, depends on wen i wake up but i am a firm believer of fate, karma and god. i do blv god always has a bigger plan, a better perspective, a higher approach. i mean,, who else, if not him!
god, i dont even know where m i going with this>??? this is just a lot of random thoughts thrown in together, i guess. but the bottom line is, i got myself doubting which aint no good! but yeah, its truth all the same. maybe i got doubts written all over me, atleast for now, but i do know one thing for sure, i wont give up without a fight. i will try. i have tried in the past and i am sure i wont fial myself there atleast. rest of my life is a big mystery which i cant do ath abt right now. i really wanna take one day at a time but somehow, that dsnt happen to me. i like to plan, look ahead, now where m a i going with sth. probably thats y i have a serious fixation for lists. lists for wat to do, wat not to do, wat to get, wen to get, where to go etc etc etc
okay, m going really out of the way here. so going back to where i started from,
to tell the truth, i dont wanna be an average. who does!!!
for all those who made t to the end of this long jumbled piece, i cud really use some advice. to all those who cudnt, u missed ur chance to serious awakening!!!! :P

wats ur rashee???!!!

okay. the thing is that after my unknown baking skills, i recently discovered i had more in me than i knew of.. like i am a good astrologer. dont u blv that??? well, my psyche just brought these predictions to my mind... bet u, they are more than accurate. check them out for urself!!!! and goodluck!

ARIES- its going to be a good week. but stay away from ppl u owe money to. cuz they are in no more mood of udhaari. kadki ho sakti hai but use ur wits and patli glai se khisak lo.

TAURUS- u have been too self centered lately. so in case u dont want to be born as a lizzard or macchar, do some good work. make someone smile. help someone who actually wants to cross a road to cross it. get the general idea na, do sth good.

GEMINI-ur colleague is probably flirting with ur boss for promotion. hurry up, act quickly. invite him to dinner if u wanna save ur ass!!!

CANCER-u r going to be more emotional than usual. so my advice is, keep ur tissue box handy. now, this doesnt mean in a bad way. tears cud be happy, sad, from cold or from onion cutting. ur horoscope says u cud have an emergency regarding tissues. so watever u do, keep them close!

LEO-it is going to be a good week. although u might fail in an exam or pick up a fight with a senior or end up being butchered by rivals at a match. other than that, u r giong to be perfectly great!!

VIRGO- the person u have had crush on for ages now, is going to ask ur best frnd out. dont blame souls. u shud have acted sooner, dhakkan!! remmeber, early bird gets the worm!!!

LIBRA- u might enter into a financial crunch soon. so if u wanna save a loving, go get back all the chawannis and atthannis ur frnds owe u. someof them may try to sneak away, but catch them before they flee! u can do it! u got to do it!

SCORPIO-for all the single scorpios, u might get lucky this week. some perfect aquarian is right there, in front of u. all u need is to let them know of ur feelings. for all those who already have one, too bad ppl. u missed ur chance!!!

SAGITTARIUS- its been long u guys looked good. so plz, for sake of humanity, take a shower atleast twice this week! winters are yet to appraoch. and kindly dont rely on monsoons to ur washing for u cuz nth in this world is for sure. so plz, move ur lazy bums and smell better!

CAPRICORN- its time for u to get a new look. look at urself from a different angle this week

AQUARIUS- a scorpion u know is falling for u. if ur single, u cud grab the chance. if u r not single, dont let ur gf/bf know of it!

PISCES- get ur phone. its going to ring in a bit. and if it dosnt, get it checked. it might be on verge of som emajor default.

happy b'day sis!!! :S

it was my li'l sis;'s b'day thos gone week. and since we wanted it to be extra special, i decided to bake her a cake myself. i know, it was a big risk i was taking but then hey, big gains involve big risks. and also i had run out of my pocket money so i was totally broke and cudnt really afford a fancy cake!!! *sigh* dont tell anyone that! lets keep it a secret of our own!! anyhow, so once decided we, i mean, i wanted to bake her a cake with my own two artful hands, first prob rose-recipe!! we, i mean i, didnt have one. just wen all the hopes seemed to come crumbliing down, i remembered of one old recipe(i think it was my nani's hierarchial recipe) lying in some hidden corners of an old cuboard. so i took the mounaineous task of hunting for that little battered bit of paper. finally, braving against lurking rats, cockroaches and god knows wat other fellow inhabitants of this little world, i extracted that recipe!!
that was one rush of relief!!! huh... anyhow, so with recipe in my hand, i started gathering all the ingredients. flour,sugar,milk,cream,salt(yeah i know, i was amazed too), lemon(more amazed) and eno salt( okay maybe it wasnt my nani's hierarchial recipe or sth cuz clearly there was no eno salt back then)...
so with all my ingredients ready, i got down to an hour of mixing, measuring, spilling, remeasuring, mixing again, a bit of tripping( that has nth to do with my baking that cake but still, it was in the course so lets not forget it tooo)greasing, more mixing and then finally pouring into the pan. after an hour of struggling with these i finally put the greased shiny pan in the oven. how it gleamed after the blissful reunion( m talking abt the oven). so an hour of baking of little pan basking in glory of oven at its full magnificence, i retrieved the little thing from the oven.
oh how nice it looked..golden brown, soft, spongy and and delicious!!!!! so finally i did some fancy icing (yes ofcourse i did that!!) some cherries on the top and vola, the very masterpiece was ready to be indulged in.
after my sis over with all the rituals of making wishes adn blowing candles and cutting (quite unnecessary, if u ask me!) we all decided to dig in. i was ready to get all the compliments i deserved for my toil, to be acknowledged for my hidden talent.....
but hang on, this tastes a bit funny. is sth wrong?? or is it just me?? y does it taste like it shudnt??? i look arnd to see if others have similar expressions and, oh! is that the bowl of sugar lying unattended on the table???? :O *horror struck*