the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

stories attached...

she settled more comfortably in her seat. the scene outside her window was changing rapidly. the trees went past her window just as quickly as brown patches of barren ground took over her sight, only to be replaced by a yet new scene. as the train gathered speed, so did her nerves. she loved train rides. it helped her confine her perspective to the sides of the window, only concentrating on a scene, one at a time, staying only for long enough for her to see. some of them stayed in her memory for her to ponder later while others went by leaving no imprint behind but a moment that passed without effort.
the train took a turn and she could see sights of outskirts of a village materializing. secluded huts, young and old men leaving for work, with a tired yet determined look on their face, a steel lunch box in hand and who knows what thoughts in their minds. the haphazardly strewn huts and shops were becoming more and more scattered.
monotony of brown and green was taking over her vision, only broken by an occasional bright yellow or pink of a bill board painted with bad drawings. she had always found such bill boards amusing. they were the true caricatures of life. the bill boards flaunted everything from a good engine oil for a tractor to a happy family of three in an advertisement for a local "baba's" magical healing powers. they confined lives and all its worries within their frames all with just a few names, bad drawing and catchy color combinations. names varied, their claims varied. bill boards remained the same 50"X60" bright colored blobs.
amongst the speeding names, she only caught a few when one of them caught her eye. 'Dr. Rajiv's dental clinic' it said. the name had been painted in a deep green over a yellow sheet of metal, with two sets of happy teeth drawn besides it. the name had been painted with casual disregard. the 'R' wasnt as twisted as it was supposed to be.


" hi, i am Rajiv" he said, with a warm smile, extending his hand. "hi, i am asha", she replied, smiling, taking his hand.

" i dont think he is as weird as you people think he is. i mean, sure he is a little quirky and says weird things sometimes but that doesnt make him any worse than rest of the guys. if anything, Rajiv has the ability to stand up for what he thinks is right" said Asha, fiercely to her friends. "yeah? like his own language that he writes his name in? its barely legible by standards of english" chimed one of her friends, as rest of them giggled even more. "he just puts a curved R. its almost artistic" Asha protested. they almost ignored her but stopped discussing him all the same. they had come back to the hot topic of class- what is the deal with the new guy in class, something everyone wondered but no one bothered to find out.

" why do you bother with what those people say? they dont know you. besides, who are they to you anyways? so it hardly matters what they think. forget it, Rajiv. cheer up. you still owe me that golgappa treat, remember? lets go for that. ice cream's on me" she said, standing up, extending her hand. he took it, smiling,  just like she had, the first time they had met.

"i know. and i agree. i love you too. i didnt realize when or even why, but i liked your quirks. you are weird and weirdly, i like you for being so. did i say like? sorry. like doesnt begin to define what i feel. i love you. Rajiv. "

"why are you saying all this? whats wrong? you know i was kidding. how can you think i meant it?! its like you either dont know me at all or are refusing to see anything", she said, pleadingly. tears swam in her eyes and her hands shook. but she held it together. he stood there, with her back to her, refusing to see anything literally. " do you really have to go?" she asked, calmly. her voice indicated neither dread nor sorrow, just a plain question. "no. but i will go all the same" he said. "good bye, Rajiv" she said.


she blinked. the train was slowing down, it was a small stop, one of the thousands minor stations in India that are made out of nowhere really. Dr. Rajiv's smiling set of teeth had been left behind a long time ago. she shook her head ruefully. even after all this time...
some names would always have a story attached with them, forever, she thought. some names would always bring back images- good or bad, she realized. some names were meant to stay and not not just sift in and out of frames of memory. some names left a permanent imprint, she confessed... 

phases that are...

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head  for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it.  i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey... 

eyes...

she looked at her reflection and it happened again. just like every other hundred times she had looked into those eyes that looked back at her from the silver surface of gleaming glass. those eyes, eyes that were the window for her mind to the world, from where she looked upon everyone out there. those were the eyes everyone looked at and judged her. eyes, a peep into her reflection and her medium to look into others.just like every other time, she was surprised to see those eyes look back at her and realize, they were her eyes...
but oddly, for her, her eyes and her thoughts were two separate things. for her, her thoughts were the real her. what went through her head behind the veil of those eyes, the arguments she had with herself, the dialogs she reserved for real her that lay somewhere inside her. it rested, for most time. but sometimes, it would raise its head, rise from the slumber and those were the blissful moments she was with her true companion, the moments that really mattered, the moments of soliloquy.  rest of the time, it was a charade she lived, a charade she picked up just like that, a charade that the world took for her. she walked through the crowds, knowing eyes following her were mere spectators because all they could see was the reflection she saw in the mirror everyday. they all just looked. no one saw because  no one heard. no one was a guest to the words that defined her.
but she waited....
sometimes in vain, with a sigh but unimaginable patience. she met the world with her eyes and waited patiently to be seen by someone who would listen to her sometime. someone would surely stop and pay attention to her words and not her eyes. that would be the person who would actually see her. and she waited for that person to show up.
until that day, she would keep the charade, she would use that reflection, she would let it be her mask for the world. and one day, she would gladly give it all up, she would be her words, she would be her voice, she would be her thoughts.

bliss

for once, i dont care about how this post looks. i dont care who reads this, how many comments do i get or if i got the perfect picture to go with the content of the post, i dont give a damn if this is a poem that rhymes a bit too much. 

for once, i dont give a damn. 

and i hope, i dont ,ever, in future. EVER!!!!

its a bliss to not care,
its a bliss to not know,
its a bliss to not expect,
its a bliss to let go.
its a bliss to be so oblivious,
that you can't see the truth.
its a bliss to be so hard,
that no pain can get through.
its a bliss to not regret,
its a bliss to forget.
it is such a bliss,
to not miss...

the friend

DISCLAIMER-  this post is totally a work of fiction and has no truth behind it, but anyone who can even remotely relate to the piece of art, is welcome to share their views. proceed at your own risk!!! 

 (you have been warned)

                                                              

i hate romantic books cuz they make me feel weird. but i love romantic movies. they have a different feel to them. and almost all the movies of this genre seem to have one thing in common, i mean almost all, The Friend. there is always this ridiculously handsome guy who is great and always has an easy way with women. he meets and parts ways with them. love comes and goes from his life and everything goes on. but all this time, there is one person who stays. thats The Friend. sometimes she is in the backdrop and sometimes she is the main protagonist. but the point is that for that guy, she is always this constant presence that he barely recognizes. she is with him through all the love ties he has but she is someone who is taken for granted by the man she not only loves but who happens to be her best friend, which in my dictionary, stakes higher than love. to hell with the fact that sometimes she may get her love in the end and sometimes she may not. thats for the director to decide. but no one seems to notice her pain and feelings of all those years that are stuck up and she has made through her life with them. she sees him fall for someone, smiles indulgently when he declares he is in love with her, looks upon with painful pleasure when he decides to live happily ever after with that other girl ( mostly a  hot blonde chick) and is there when he comes back heart broken. she looks after him, mends his heart painstakingly and makes it capable of loving someone again. but for what? just so that he can go out and give it to someone else. and it doesnt matter how many times this happens before the guy realizes that she is the one! i am not talking about the consequences here, i am talking about the painful process.

                                                                         

who says a girl and a boy can't be just friends? i am a *the friend* and, honestly,  i am tired of it. i am tired of listening other people talk about their love lives, through their break ups and make ups. i am tired of helping him out pick up the right present, the correct venue for her surprise party, of listening him babble continuously about her. i dont want to be just 'the friend' any  more. i want to be more. i want to be special someone for somebody, i want to be someone that somebody waits for, not someone who waits with him for someone else and fades into the darkness of background once she arrives. i want be the subject of someone's dreams not someone who gets a detailed commentary of the dream which was all about her. i want to be the destination, not the path leading up to it...

its clean up time!!!

okay, so with my exams over, there is so much to do yet i cant start. well, just dazed with so much of time after ages!!! anyway, well, just as last exams are hardest to study for and your mind tends to waver to every possible nook of the world other than the text in front of you, my eyes went around my room and i realized it looked a little short of Neanderthals' caves!

well,i had been living in it, with same condition for past one  month but you see, i have this habit. wenever i am anxious, i clean. mess starts to bother me, although i might claim the same mess to be part of my room ten minutes ago! so as u can guess, i was anxious.

this is a habit i picked up i dunno when. before i knew, i was scrubbing my worries away! more was the anxiety, greater was scrubbing and rubbing and varnishing!! i forgot to mention this thing in that list of seven things about myself that no one knew. well, yeah, no one knew about this habit which was such a 'bliss' in disguise! think about it, you are worried, you clean, you feel better and your room's cleaner!!
untill....

until the day my mum found out about it. now, any mum would be pleasantly surprised to see her not-so-tidy kid clean up. constant pestering, a little too many praises and one bright radiant smile and i gave in.
mum: oh, u are cleaning! that is so ...
me: unusual
mum: yeah. and great too.
me: well, ma to tell the truth, i was cleaning cuz i felt terrible and cleaning makes me feel better.
pause
mum: oh..

well, ever since then, this little secret activity of releaving my tension didnt remain , well, a secret. soon, my entire clan knew about it.my mum, u'd expect she'd be glad about occasional cleaning i got down to doing. but somehow, the  whole thing was so much more amusing to her than i had thought..

me:  with a rag in my hand.
mum: what are you up to?
me: nothing. just that stain on mirror was bugging me.
mum: whats wrong?
me: nothing ma.
mum: looks suspiciously then leave the rag alone and go watch t.v.
now thats got to be first time in history that a mom, no, my mom asked me to quit cleaning and watch T.V. :O
but that happened.
me: etching to clean the stain, i tried to leave the room. but when has a mom given up. 
mum: grabs the rag.
me: alright!! stop pestering me! i had a fight with dipti! jeez, ma, umust have been on CIA's interrogation team sometime!!!
mum: smiling all over


 as if that wasnt enough, there is more.

akshay: hey sis, how is it going?
me: great!
akshay: coming today, right?
me:yeah, ofcourse.
akshay: how u feeling?
me: perfect
akshay: oh
me: why??? *very suspicious* 
akshay: oh well, my room's all messy!
dial tone.....


me: looking at the messy tableon my room real closely.
sis: wats up?
yeah, my family is always around to ask 'wats up"
me: nope, nothing. going back to my work.
sis: looks like someone's upset!
me: smacking my head looks like someone talked to mom!
sis: smiling all over

 well, here is this last instance, wen i knew i couldnt take it another bit. i knew i had had enough of jokes, and poking at my silly habit.

me: scrubbing refrigerator
dad: hey, where i that... why are you rubbing this thing?
me: shit! nothing dad. just like that. it was dirty.
dad: looks at me suspiciouly....
dad: okay. go on, but first help me find my glasses!
me: phew!!!!
moving over to help him find his glasses on his head!!!
you see, my dad isnt part of my mom and sisters' gang, being the odd one out!!!

well, no surprise, i gave up that habit or so they think! i still clean wen tensed. i mean, honestly people, this is probably one good habit i have and i wont give it up cuz my mum finds it amusing! i wil fight back!
my fight for my rights to vent my feelings in watever weird way i'd like to! even if that means i do it secretly now!!!
thats my own little rebellion...

paths long lost

she was tapping the steering wheel. it was a nuisance of a habit, especially when she was anxious and no mater how much she tried to contain herself, the anxiety was too much to hold. it was a short drive and she didnt know if that bothered her more or made things better for her. jeez, it had been long. almost ten months. she hadnt seen him, not heard from him until the previous week and today, all of a sudden, she was gonna meet him. she had fantasised about this moment for ages and when finally that moment came, she had no clue if she was happy, worried, anxious, tensed or any other emotion cuz somehow whatever she was going through at that moment, she had never felt before.

she stopped at a signal. waiting impatiently, she got thinking about the day when she met him for the first time. that first time and she was smitten. initially it had felt like a simple urge to be someone's friend, then as to friend's teasings, it became a 'crush'. but she had no clue, when in all those years, that little spot of concern changed to love. she remembered the first time she realised she was in love. she had been scared. love had not felt anything like it shud have. no violins, no sunny days, no daisies and butterflies, no constant smile on hre face. nothing at all! if anything, love was constant trial for her, constant pain, constant effort. something was wrong somewhere obviously, but she never let her mind to much talking when it came to him. and her heart, well, it always got her into trouble.
even that day, when he got mad at her, left her, wished she had never come into his life while she prayed all day to be able to be a part of his life forever, even that day, all her heart did was cry for him, not because of him. yes, her heart always got her into trouble.
she wondered, if todays was gonna be similar. but turning all those thoughts aside, she felt today wont be the same. today everything was going to be different, today she would get to say all that she had wanted to say for five years. yes, five long years, she had kept this to herself, through his relationship and breakup with other people, all that time her heart had been yearning for him. but today, she was gonna tell him ho wmuch she loved him, she still loved him and always will. and even though over last couple of months she had convinced herself to the contrary, last week, his very name on phone brought back emotions like swarms of flies. yes, today was finally gonna be a happy moment.

cars behind her were honking like crazy. signal had turned green and people were beginning to wonder that the driver had fainted or something. she hurriedly moved on, mumbling apologies. outside the cafe, she checked herself in the mirror twice, cut off the engine and sat in car quietly. this was it. and yet it didnt feel like that. her heart was going crazy, er crazier. for one wild moment, she wanted to turn away and run. but her feet ditched her. love was too powerful. what was going through her mind, she had no clue. where was she going, she had no clue either. she wasnt aware of her surroundings, of anyone except that face she wanted to look at for so long now, that face which she was sure would smile to look at her. how could it now, he sounded genuinely excited to meet her, desperate, happy. apologetic for his behaviour, probably not. but she didnt want that either. being able to see him again was too much for her.
and finally she saw him. sitting at corner table, in that peach shirt, he looked just like he did ten months ago. it had been so long and yet didnt feel that way. this was crazy. this didnt make any sense. he looked up and a smile cracked on his face, she smiled back. her heart melted sooner than ice cream on a hot june day at sight of that smile. what followed was bizarre. one moment she was smiling, next mo, she wanted to cry. she was totally out of her mind. perhaps she hadnt brought her mind with her. made sense, it was heart;s job, mind was not needed!!! he stood up as she reached the table, with a warm handshake. unsure what to say. she didnt know what would take him aback less- 'i missed u like crazy, dont ever leave me again' or 'i love you like crazy, dont ever leave me again'. they both just looked at each other. alright, she couldnt contain it any longer. 'um, p....' before she could say his name, he stood up. she looke up to see.
before she could gather her senses, he said, 'you are late, as usual!!!! by the way, meet her. this is payal, my friend from school, best friend from school! and payal, meet her. she is rohini, my girlfriend. love of my life!'

she wasnt sure about next but somewhere a glass shattered....



P.S. extremely sorry for such a long post. if there are people who left midway, i understand. although you wont be able to see my apology either. good/bad attempt, i dunno. just wanted to write it. and since i have already written such a long post, i guess i don not really deserve to bore people with a tag that is my first one, thanks to our very dear Buckingfastard. maybe next time!!! :)

P.P.S. sorrry for equally long P.S.

quiditch!!

okay, i know the title says quiditch, so for all the HP fans who came here expecting something in that regard, my apologies. but since you are here, might as well go ahead....
well, anyone who has read or seen HP book/movie knows about Harry's passion for his game. but he'd also know of Ron's plight of having a super famous friend as best buddy. sometimes it was cuz Harry had a reason for being so famous, but at other times, it was plain, well, umm i dont know, hype perhaps.. alright, i am not here to disect HP series. my point is that i kinda understand wat Ron wud have felt like living constantly in shadow of a friend who was, alright, better than him, but at times, didnt deserve everything he got. especially when he was trying to make it in Quiditch(see, my title had some relation with the post!! )
well, my point here is that i know wats its like living with a famous friend.. i did it in school for four long years. and now, its again the same story.. maybe i have a knack for attracting really famous people [8)]. but it has its negatives too.. you have friends who u meet after ages and they might forget to ask u how r u doing, but they sure wont forget to ask 'so wats up with her???' God, if thats how interested u were in her, shud've made an effort to keep in touch. i was on verge of putting my status 'I shall not entertain any queries about another soul. kindly look for some other source!!'

however infuriated i might sound though, surprisingly thats not the thing bugging me right now. wats bugging me is the fact that most people around us are gripped by feeling of partiality. u have had it in favour of u, u have had it against u, u have done it yourself and u have hated it a gazillion times in ur life. yet, we face it everyday. and it especially hurts when it happens somewhere u are doing well, or atleast trying your best to do u rbest. and wen u see people still liking another person cuz they know them from before, they are friends with them or worst of all, they are prettier, it boils my blood!!! thats one thing i hate in life!!! i hate partial favouritist $#%&*@#! 

well, i guess, of all the things u cant change about life, this is one of them too!!! but if i cud have it my way, i wud tell all those people to get a life and look at things with wider perspective and get their issues straight!!!

The secret

would you like to be the secret of someone's life!!???

Just popped into my head while iw as flipping through channels....

cupid, i dont like u much!!!

                                                             
 okay, the title may sound weird at first but trust me, i am a normal girl with no qualm whatsoever with love and associated feelings. infact, i would love to fall in love one day, like all other fellow human beings out there. but yeah, there is somethng in this relation that i do not like. what i don tlike is the initial phases of a thing, just when feelings ae kindling up, just when you are beginning to realise about your feelibgs for someone. call me weird, but thats how it is....
i hate having a crush on someone!!!! i do, i really do!!! okay, to have someone you think about often, which might give you incentive towards something might sound like just added advantages to the fact the your heart is warming up to someone and opening itself to new vistas of life, right? no!!i doesnt.not to  me anyway!. what i think of having crush on someone is that you become constantly aware of someone's presence or absence. what they or how they behave becomes so much more important than it is.you start evaluating their every action with much more detail, much more than you do yours!!!! everything you do, somehow tracks youback to the thought that how might that action of yours affect that person!! now comeon, how well have you done on your exam, tht could not, in whole wide world, affect your crush's feelings. but no, thought is a far fetched thing during that phase of life.
and dont even get me started on what happens when the person u have a crush is in the same room as you. besides the usual tripping, just cuz you were not apying attention to where you were going(do i need to elaborate what were you doing when u werent watching your step!!!), making a fool of yourself in front of an entire room full of people and ofcourse that one blessed read darn soul too, your walk is altered, you cant walk straight neither can keep a straight face even if you are trying your level best to ignore snide remarks or sniggers of your friends at your altered attitude and ofcourse previous tripping session. work at hand seems so less important once that person walks in and yet you try, maybe not frantically, but in subtle ways to work it out in such a way that your crush will notice you. pretty dumb, huh?? not to someone who's been smitten by the love bug!! constant teasing , constant poking, constant craning of neck to see where that one person is, constant loss of attention in your conversation cuz your ears are trying to pick up fragements of conversation going on in other part of room-this is all a part of package deal of CRUSH!!!

but more than all these things what i hate the most about having a crush on someone tht it ruins your chances of having an issueless friendship with someone. and if you, somehow, develop a crush for a friend, well, in some part of wrold that might be a happy scenario, but not in my nook of univrese. i think having feelings associated with a friend complicated matters more than you sign up for.. it does affect friendship somewhere. the pangs of jealousy when your friend mentions othre people, a constant joke of finding each other a corresponding girlfriend/boyfriend starts hurting you when it shouldnt. objectivity goes away from what you say to them and how they respond to your things!!
although crush in itself sounds bad to me, even worse situation is, yes there is a worst case scenario, is when you cant pluck enough courage to tell that person how much he/she means to you. you stand there, waiting for them to somehow seee things you cant bring yourself up to say, for watever reasons. and when they dont, all you are left with is a hurt heart, bruised dignity and a throbbing toe!!

and yet you cant help the stupid thing!! you cant help the warmth that comes to your face when you see that person, you cant suppress the smile when that one person throws back his/her head to laugh at a joke!!! you cant, you just cant help it at all!!!! see what a vicious circle it is!!!
no wonder i hate it!!!

P.S. all the above mentiopned conditions are a result of my case studies on specimens of species homo sapiens going through this condition at some point of time. any resemblance with any person, known or unknown, is purely coincidental. no section of this writing bears any connection to the author except the fact that she thought of all the wonderfull words in her own little head!!