a crystal bottle, a thousand worlds, a million shards

i wish i had a crystal bottle with sharp cuts and smooth curves. silhouettes of angles and bends, brilliance of glass, as fragile as astounding. stories untold, unseen held within, stories heard and seen treasured inside the glass mansion built with crystals of mind, body and soul to hold memories, hopes, aspirations, desires, anguish, torments, tears, laughter and smiles.  i'd look at it, for hours, a lifetime cramped into those minutes, a lifetime spent in those hours. every now and then, a ray of light would fall on it. caught off guard. amplified. reflected. dazzled. broken into brilliance of millions of shimmers. blob of illumination for sometime. lost into nothingness the next moment.
i'd save it. keeping it away from world and everything else. i'd carry it with me everywhere. i'd keep it hidden in the deepest corner of my existence. it'd be mine. whenever i wished, i'd take it out. flaunt it to acknowledgement of existence then stow it back into bliss of secrecy. it'd have a cork. stopper on all the tides. it'd hold an ocean in it. the cork would be tight. the ocean would be immense.
i'd shake it. a thousand jingles would come to life. i'd put my ear to it and all will be silent. there'd be whispers, there'd be prayers. there'd be promises, unsaid, hushed, forgotten. there'd be jokes, there'd be laughter, stifled, old, dead. there'd be shouts, there'd be songs, there'd be silence. there'd be clatter of rain drops, millions of them, abandoned by the sky, falling on a dark night, cry of sky's broken heart, opening up, a grimace of clouds, illuminated with a wave of lightening rippling through sky.
i'd open it and wafts would spill out. lighter than dreams, more inconspicuous than fragrances, more vivid than realities. there'd be smell of a lover, the scent of his existence seeping in through every pore of me as i lay next to him, smell of love, passion, reluctance, desire and ecstasy  there'd be smell of that damp room, as i sat listening to silence of night, smell of sea as tides laugh with each other, mocking my insignificance. there'd be smell of my mother, as i snuggle into her back, clinging to her dress, feeling soundless rustle of her shirt between my fingers, filled with dread, overcome with calm.
i'd look into it and the ocean will be raging. there'd be horizon holding blue of ocean and abyss of sky. the world and everything beyond. endless possibilities. orange of sunrise, gleam of light travelling thousands of miles, falling at my feet, seven colors fused together into one, silver when peeking from behind the clouds, black of depth of sea, darker in its silence than in color, there'd be color of your eyes, as you look away, lost in your thought. there'd be the world i'd watch from corner of my eye.
and then, i'd put the cork back. the sounds would stop. scents would descend back into oblivion, scenes would dissolve. strand by strand. and then, there will be nothing. just the crystal bottle. unfazed, intact, beautiful. i'd cork the world and all its brilliance into that crystal bottle, stow away universes and their secrets with one sweep of hand, discard deepest sorrows and biggest joys with a flick. it'd be mine to hold, and mine to shatter, into million shards, send it back to the smoldering furnace that made it, reduce it to specks of soil, mix it back with dirt under my feet, to unleash million more stories or break a thousand worlds.

the scene is dissolving in front of me. i am losing focus. oh wait, its coming back. people are zooming in and zooming out. someone's prodding the figure, checking his limp hand. that seems like a futile gesture, considering the pool of blood near it. but probably that is not a giveaway good enough for these people. the smile on his face should give them a clue then. when else can a person look so truly happy, when not dead? funny things these people are doing.
 the body is lying slumped against wall. there is nothing left. the buzz of people is louder than the buzz of flies settling over everything, and frankly more irritating. people are moving about, clueless. they certainly have no idea what to do. that explains all the pulse checking and police calling. i am watching it, from the dark corner of the street. no one can see me, i guess. thats why no one's come to ask me any questions so far. its not even a secluded street though, a perfectly busy part of the city. a bit too busy, actually. i had watched as people went past him, not realizing anything. i had seen the blood drip out of him, one drop at a time, his face becoming happier with each losing drop. i was watching him, just not moving past him. i was in no hurry, you see. does that make me worse than them? maybe it does. but i did notice him looking at me significantly, and smiling, acknowledging my unmoving posture, and if i am not wrong, appreciating it. this is what he wanted, i guess, someone to watch him and i was giving him just that. would others make a fuss out of it? shit.
the crowd is getting bigger. more curious clueless faces are joining the previous ones. people are peering over each other, asking in hushed tones. i am losing focus again. i think i should leave. i think i can hear a siren in distance. maybe police is finally here. huh, that will disperse the crowd at last. i need to get out of here.  but i cant. the scene is captivating. afterall, i have stuck out with him so far. besides,  its not everyday you discover a dead body around this place, he is dead, isnt he? may be on the brink of it. its not like its a place full of sad people. perfectly happy people inhabit this part of the world,  people who have nothing to complain about life, who have friends to turn to, who have money to turn to those friends with, who have a lover (or more) to lust after their body and a false sense of security that is called love. he was always the odd one out. i had often met him on strange corners of streets, in the most unexpected places- outside of a coffee shop, on a passing by bus, once or twice right outside his home too. some i remember, some i dont. i wonder how many did he remember. should i have asked? is it too late now?

the place is getting quieter. thats odd. more people have thronged the place now. but its getting less noisy. it feels nice though. but i have a weird feeling in me. my arm feels like someone just touched it but there is no one here.  my arm looks smooth, undamaged skin is shining with pale luminisence in the artificial illumination of street lamps, it looks ghostly but i have to say it looks nice. that soap is good. i cant be smiling. whats wrong with me?! there is a dead guy lying ten feet from me! he is dead, right?
people in white clothes and bored expressions are putting the guy on a stretcher. oh the siren was an ambulance. police didnt get on time here. okay now i am officially smirking. the guy is stirring a little, he is definitely on end of it. his eyes are  flickering a little.  he is opening his eyes a little. shit, he is looking at me and.... smiling. uh oh.

the chime of her eyes

amused stares, confused smiles and hurried rearrangement of expressions greeted their mute conversation, as always. he could almost read the thousand questions in people's minds- why? how? who? when? what reasons? good enough?

he smiled at those unasked questions, his unspoken answers lost a midst the shifting glances. only remnants of an inward smile hovered in the air.

he looked back at her, trying to locate the reason for everyone's curiosity. once again, he was lost. her eyes, effortlessly, captured his brief attention span. the question was quickly lost in his own mind. he'd probably never understand people's confusion but then, he wasnt supposed to either.

he was in love with the chime of her eyes, her silence... 

hues of purple

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again... 

whats with life??

having been confided in my house for an entire day due to rain, i had nth better to do than to lie arnd, try to sleep which i cudnt cuz my sister wudnt let me( god knows y!!! she has her exam tomorrow and acc to her my staying awake somehow helps her study better!!!! *rolls eyes* yeah she is the same one i baked cake for. guess its time for revenge!), no tv to watch cuz my dad's been going on with his cricket :( and nth much to do here wither. so story cut short, i had nth better to to so i did some thinking. serious intellectual thinking.  and the conclusions i came up with havent really made me too happy.

the thing is, i have had a very average life all this time. i mean like forever!!! nth in my life has evr been extraordinary, out of proportions...
see, i live in a nation which is neither too poor, nor too rich, neither too weak, nor too strong. somewhere in the middle, right? no offence to all the patriots out there. i love my country just as much as u do but thats a reality. and its not like its bad or sth. just plain truth. my state, punjab is again, neither too rich nor too poor, neither too backward nor too developed. hence again, average. agreed?
my city, ludhiana is just the same. do u want me to repeat the lines?? u get the general idea, dont u? hence, proved yet again, average!! no offence to anyone, but thats true.. that was scene at large. even in my personal life, i have had eth lying somewhere in the middle. just abt average. average looking, average student, average player, average average average!! god, that word sounds weird now!!1
the reason i am ranting abt it all is that i got to thinking that wat if all my life is gone living this way? average way, i mean. i have big plans for life, i want to achieve a lot of stuff. i have dreams i want fulfilled and lemme tell u, not all of them are just abt average!

when i was a kid, somehow i developed  a view abt life that was a bit different from the real world. as i grew, one after another of my many perceptions shattered. so now that i am onto all the thinking, i was wondering wat if all my perceptions for my future crumble to ground just like they did in past? i know having my dreams come true depends on me, depends on wen i wake up but i am a firm believer of fate, karma and god. i do blv god always has a bigger plan, a better perspective, a higher approach. i mean,, who else, if not him!
god, i dont even know where m i going with this>??? this is just a lot of random thoughts thrown in together, i guess. but the bottom line is, i got myself doubting which aint no good! but yeah, its truth all the same. maybe i got doubts written all over me, atleast for now, but i do know one thing for sure, i wont give up without a fight. i will try. i have tried in the past and i am sure i wont fial myself there atleast. rest of my life is a big mystery which i cant do ath abt right now. i really wanna take one day at a time but somehow, that dsnt happen to me. i like to plan, look ahead, now where m a i going with sth. probably thats y i have a serious fixation for lists. lists for wat to do, wat not to do, wat to get, wen to get, where to go etc etc etc
okay, m going really out of the way here. so going back to where i started from,
to tell the truth, i dont wanna be an average. who does!!!
for all those who made t to the end of this long jumbled piece, i cud really use some advice. to all those who cudnt, u missed ur chance to serious awakening!!!! :P