simply smitz

the little things called smiles

2011-10-27T19:47:00.000+05:30

amidst the frenzy of diwali cleaning and shopping and everything else, it suddenly occurred to me what a subjective thing pleasure is. two people, in the same state of mind, both happy and yet they can be happy about different things. yes, we have heard a lot about perspective and this is similar but i feel, mostly these little things go unnoticed. in most cases, its the little things that bring a smile to our faces and those are the ones that are the most diverse. they define happiness for man and their meaning changes every second. and yet, they will always be these little things that will make you smile, no matter what- smell of food from kitchen when you are hungry, phone ring when you feel lonely, the deserted trail in the central park that no one seems to notice but strangely makes you smile always- and the list goes on.
no one ignores these little things cuz they bring those involuntary smiles, the smiles of the most genuine nature that carve themselves, with no effort required. these are the genuine curves of lips that are not a mask to hide another emotion or a brave face to show to the world, they are those little cherubic gifts that come to you in your moments with yourself, whether you are alone or not, in the moments when you are thinking just of you and nothing else.
take a moment and think about these little things around you that have always brought those lovely smiles on and you probably didn't realize.
i just realized a lot of things on my list and i was honestly surprised with some of the things :P you'd be too if you realized things like paper bags, sign of sale at my favorite shoe store, sight of wet ink on paper, get the same color with a friend on a 'super jinx', coffee mugs and many more can make you smile :)
go ahead. make your list. you'd be amazed too. and at end of the list, add another thing 'the list' cuz, trust me, you are sure to smile everytime you looked at the list.

tale of every girl sigh

2011-09-10T19:35:00.000+05:30

every girl needs her love story. thats the plain truth. no matter how hard they try to deny it, no matter what she looks like on the exterior, somewhere inside her is that little girl who has grown up thinking about a love story one day. blame it on the romantic love stories we have grown up watching. i remember feeling goosebumps when i saw raj fighting for simran on that station and i was five then! ever since then, there has been on thing or the other. and as if the movies werent enough, there are romantic novels that have love stories of ever lasting love. and you cant really blame me for that. there is a girl out there who finds a random bottle on beach and ends up with a guy who loves her crazily. sure, he dies eventually but she does spend some time being loved like sunshine! there is even one sending her letters from the dead! sure you can switch the tv off and shut down the book and dump it far end corner of your drawer and then, your friends walk in with their tales of being swooned by someone! what is a girl supposed to do then? there is nothing better and worse than a real life full on love story and someone like me who hears at least five of them daily in different stages, life is not that easy.
and just when i thought i was the only one left all alone in this big bad world, i realized something. now i know that at end of the day, in every girl lies that hope that someday she will find a guy who will love her for what she is. true? i dunno. i am still to find that out but i am just amazed at it. i had thought i had snubbed that little girl me into a little nook somewhere, never to emerge again. or maybe she had just left. but i realized she didnt. she was here, all the time. and so is she inside every woman out there. every girl is looking for her love story if she hasnt found one yet. no matter how, no matter where, the sense of being the one thought about, being cared and loved and most importantly being important is what every girl wishes for and certainly deserves. does every girl find it? i wish i could say yes. does any girl ever give up the hope? hell no!!! even the career oriented modern girls who dont want a man to support them do want a man to go on with them through life. the idea of a love story is different for every girl, for sure but it is there in every girl's heart.
so if you are a girl, thinking about your love story and at times frustrated with your undying hope of finding someone who will love and care for you like you mean everything to him then dont be. you are not the only one :)
and for those who have already found one, cheers!!!!

hues of purple

2011-05-03T22:40:00.001+05:30

she sat on the rocks. the beach was a little off the mainland. the usual crowd of late evening beach walkers was out of her sight. she could only hear faint echoes from distance that too only when she wished to. the setting sun cast an orange glow everywhere. hues of purple sneaked around the edges of orange beams as if trying to break free, eager to take over the reigns. purple had always been her favorite color. she liked purple. she wished it would take over the orange soon. orange and yellow set the horizon alight. even in the late evening when sun was just a smoldering rock, burning from within, it cast its glow everywhere. skyline looked like it was on fire. the waters in distance seemed eager for sun to set, waiting to relieve it from the burns. water and sun had always seemed like an odd couple to her. yes she always thought they were together even though sun looked down upon water whole day long, daring it to try and reach it. water made feeble attempts but they were always too half hearted. water didn't want to touch the sun. it just lay there waiting for sun to give up and come to it. at end of everyday when sun was burnt and worn out, water would welcome it with its soothing coolness and sigh in relief itself.

a kid shrieked in delight somewhere and her thoughts drew away from sun and water. purple had taken over a lot of orange by now and stars were beginning to make an appearance. she realized the sounds were coming from the people on beach just around the curve of rocks she was sitting on. it occurred to her for the first time that the sounds came rather loud. loud, clear and constantly. she couldn't go back to her thinking anymore, not with all the noise. but she didn't mind it. in fact she welcomed the noise. it was always too quiet anyways. sometimes she preferred noise to take over the silence. it wasn't the best melody but it worked. it wasn't his voice calling her name but its wasn't his silence either, pushing her away.

she had liked the silence before, hated it sometime else but now she had just stopped battling it. for the past six years, she had fought with silence and always lost. she had resigned to its victory. when, she didn't remember exactly. all she knew was that even though she had resented the silence with bitterness initially, it had been the most faithful companion she had. after the ashes had settled, tears had dried, petunias had given up the fight and left, mugs had sat in the sink, paints had chipped away, charades had fallen- silence had stayed behind to keep her company.

the sky was black now. stars had taken the center stage and moon had come out with that expectant look, trying to catch water's attention. but ocean was silent now. it rested with its sun. she could sense how water felt pleased with the sun despite all the searing pain it received at its hands. moon in all its glory was no comparison for the pleasure sun could give it.

she looked up at the sky one last time and smiled.he had always said solitude was something to be enjoyed. she had never understood it before. the idea of being alone by choice had always seemed preposterous in her world that had him. now she understood though. solitude could be enjoyed, out of choice. she smiled at him looking down with that smug look he always had when he was right. she shook her head and stood up.
giving one last glance to the ocean that smiled in peace now, she walked away. leaving behind a trail of footsteps in the mud that vanished as soon as they appeared, she let the silence take her over again...

phases that are...

2011-02-12T21:03:00.000+05:30

well, I believe that in life, if there is one thing that will change with every passing minute, it is a relationship, perhaps because people in it are changing or may be it is part of the entire circle for these changes to occur. but yeah, for sure, there are these phases that every relationship will definitely go through.
every relationship, no matter how long it lasts or how close it gets starts with that first glance, sometimes a careless sweep across the room, sometimes a lingering look and in rare cases an image that remains in your head for a long time after the actual person has gone. thats where it all starts and what follows is a beginning. thats probably the best part of a relationship where two people are just getting to know each other, warm, cordial, friendly. thats the part where, if the connection is actually there, those two people would sometimes even go out of the way to make things nice and they would like going out of the way.
what comes next is the phase when those people begin to get to know each other for real, the deeper layers to find out what lies underneath the mask. thats when they actually begin to get comfortable. and then comes a time when these people are actually comfortable with each other, thats the phase where they dont pretend to be super nice for sake of being nice, they actually like being nice. and definition of nice changes as well. of course, some galiyan may become a part of your lingo along with other insults but the bond is deeper and better than ever before.
what comes next is what i believe the real test of every relationship, its the part where two peole are so comfortable with each other that they start expecting, they expect the other person to be there, to understand. sometimes these expectations dont come true and thats when it hurts like hell. but once in a while, you meet a person who will pleasantly surprise you by meeting all these expectations and some more.
but sometimes, the problem is not not finding that person who will pass all these phases with you but passing these phases together. its about how well you can acclimate to these changes, before they get to you or what those two people have between each other.
my problem has been that i have resisted all these changes at some point or the other, i have tried to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally. and the transition is something i always find tough to happen. i have always found myself either a phase ahead or behind of the other person, well not always but in most cases. i have lost people to these phases but i have also known people who have held my hand and walked me through it. i have also known that what comes after these transitions is totally worth all the confusion and utter nonsensical stuff that i go through.
so cheers to all these changes, cheers to all these phases, cheers to everything that comes and goes cuz in end what matters is not where you reached but what you went through cuz life was never meant to be a destination, it was always a journey...

my pastry tale...

2011-01-05T12:26:00.000+05:30

well new year, as in the new year moment came and went. and with it came lots of other things, the nostalgia, the hope for future, the anticipation, the fun with friends, the crazy partying and the new year resolutions. i know many people don't believe in new year resolutions anymore but i do. and so, i made a new year resolution to do one good deed every day. now before you people go getting ideas about the sinner that i am, i have to tell i am a very good person *smiles*. but i wanted to do a deliberate good deed everyday. little did i have idea that i would be tested for my mettle so early into the year. i wont lie, i had thought a smile to a stranger, helping someone cross the road and stuff like that would suffice my good deed quota for the day. but first day of the year and i am asked to do one of the toughest things any person in my situation could have been asked to do.
now, anyone who has ever been even slightly in love with the dark beauty will appreciate the extent of sacrifice i made when i did what i did. so this is what happened. new year means celebrations and no celebrations for me are complete without chocolate. yes, u got it right, the ecstasy of the dark beauty with its charm, lazed with desire and a lust for more and more- chocolate is an obsession. but what do you do when luck bestows you with a chance to enjoy in its company more than what you paid for and your stupid conscience starts nagging you!?!? you let your conscience take over. thats what i did *bows head for all the sympathies coming in*
scene- room full of people in state of shock and dismay and incredulity
place- our living room
IP- where are the pastries?
me- there are loads of others in that box over there. but there is one chocolate pastry. bakery didn't have anymore. and thats for me. so everyone, back away *brandishes a fork*
sorabh- you mean the one in that little brown box you put away the moment you came in?
me- yes. why, what did you do? * looks with shock and horror*
sorabh-i, err, i umm * looks at the fork in his hand*
me- YOU DID NOT!!!! *falls exasperated*
radhu- *laughs* well i should get started with my pastries in the meanwhile *smug look*
radhu, di and IP all huddle close to the pastry box while i stand glaring at sorabh with look of betrayal and disbelief in my eyes. suddenly, china crashes, a wave of shock goes across the room. radhu shrieks and di has no clue what to do.
me- what?!?!
IP- you are going to love me for this. there is another chocolate pastry in here *smiles broadly and makes way for me to look at it*
and there it was, sitting innocently, smiling up at all of us, with its large nuts gleaming in the lights abover our heads. i lowered my hand to pick it up and
radhu - didnt we pay for just one? they must have made a mistake and given us extra stuff.
me- so? they made an honest mistake. forget it, lets indulge *takes a step towards the pastry*
IP- radhu is right. we should pay for it. or give it back
sorabh- am out of dough.
everyone nods agreement.
me-this means we are going to have to take it back??? *looks horror stuck*
IP- i think yes *pats me sympathetically while i look like on verge of tears*
after much discussion and lots of jabs at my conscience and million reminders about my good deed of the day resolution, emotional blackmailing about the job that the employee of the pastry shop might lose (no one loses their job over a pastry but my friends tried that on me and it worked). we took the pastry back

scene II- me, radhu and IP stand at the counter with me clutching the box of pastry like my long lost child
location- pastry shop
IP begins to speak and i try holding him back for one last time but in vain.
IP- someone here must have made a mistake. we got extra stuff so we are here to return it.
owner- oh, right. thank you so much. *smiles broadly*
everyone looks at me cuz clearly it was my turn to do the inevitable. i extend the box with a trembling hand. it touches his hand and before i know, my grip is loosening while he is closing in on it with his vice like grip (control! gimme a second, its still a painful memory). and finally, i let go or IP makes me let go
owner- thank you so much
everyone turns to go but i keep standing
owner- *looks confusedly* thank you so much ma'm *smiles another one of his toady smiles*
me- err, right. no worries. we shall go now. thanks.
and turn away, with that one last look to that box. i could imagine the pastry smiling at me in an empathetic manner, smiling at the brief, smiling at the change of fate that happened. i walk out of the shop to be applauded by my friends for the heroic deed i did. we hug and come back home.

that was the tale of my
'good deed of the day'. needless to say, i filled my entire quota of good deeds to last me whole year before i have to give up something like that.
lesson learnt- new year resolutions should always come with conditions applied*
DISCLAIMER: i know its long but keeping it shorter would have meant disrespect to memory of the beloved truffle. i hope people can estimate the sentiments. i am open to sympathies :| also, some of it might be over dramatization of the events but rest of it is absolutely true and unplugged.

eyes...

2010-12-05T19:35:00.000+05:30

she looked at her reflection and it happened again. just like every other hundred times she had looked into those eyes that looked back at her from the silver surface of gleaming glass. those eyes, eyes that were the window for her mind to the world, from where she looked upon everyone out there. those were the eyes everyone looked at and judged her. eyes, a peep into her reflection and her medium to look into others.just like every other time, she was surprised to see those eyes look back at her and realize, they were her eyes...
but oddly, for her, her eyes and her thoughts were two separate things. for her, her thoughts were the real her. what went through her head behind the veil of those eyes, the arguments she had with herself, the dialogs she reserved for real her that lay somewhere inside her. it rested, for most time. but sometimes, it would raise its head, rise from the slumber and those were the blissful moments she was with her true companion, the moments that really mattered, the moments of soliloquy. rest of the time, it was a charade she lived, a charade she picked up just like that, a charade that the world took for her. she walked through the crowds, knowing eyes following her were mere spectators because all they could see was the reflection she saw in the mirror everyday. they all just looked. no one saw because no one heard. no one was a guest to the words that defined her.
but she waited....
sometimes in vain, with a sigh but unimaginable patience. she met the world with her eyes and waited patiently to be seen by someone who would listen to her sometime. someone would surely stop and pay attention to her words and not her eyes. that would be the person who would actually see her. and she waited for that person to show up.
until that day, she would keep the charade, she would use that reflection, she would let it be her mask for the world. and one day, she would gladly give it all up, she would be her words, she would be her voice, she would be her thoughts.

bliss

2010-07-20T21:06:00.000+05:30

for once, i dont care about how this post looks. i dont care who reads this, how many comments do i get or if i got the perfect picture to go with the content of the post, i dont give a damn if this is a poem that rhymes a bit too much.

for once, i dont give a damn.

and i hope, i dont ,ever, in future. EVER!!!!

its a bliss to not care,
its a bliss to not know,
its a bliss to not expect,
its a bliss to let go.
its a bliss to be so oblivious,
that you can't see the truth.
its a bliss to be so hard,
that no pain can get through.
its a bliss to not regret,
its a bliss to forget.
it is such a bliss,
to not miss...

finding love

2010-06-15T21:18:00.000+05:30

well, i recently came across a story of two people madly in love with each other. there is nothing new about that bit. they both met at 14, married young and lived a happy life for few years. and then, everything else caught up. work, appointments, deadlines, chores etc etc etc took up that part of life which was meant to be for love. love stayed or died away, i don't know about that but marriage did fall apart. years of separation later, they both run into each other again. well, while the wife was smarting under the awkwardness of situation, the guy, well, he just stared at her. he looked at her and fell in love, again. you see, the guy had amnesia and over those years, he had lost pretty much all his memories. but he met his ex wife and just like so many years ago, fell in love with her again, wondering all the time what could have possibly gone wrong in the world for him to want to leave such a person.

that says something about love, now, doesn't it. we all find it at sometime and we all do something to lose it. some of us get a chance to make up for our mistakes while others aren't so lucky. but the point is that love does exist all the time but sometimes it is forced to take a back seat what with everything else seeming to be so much more important in our life. maybe its human tendency to seek love but take it for granted as soon as we get it.

so if you love someone but have been wondering about righteousness of the whole thing for some time, stop and look again, think few years hence when maybe you wont have the baggage of life. close your eyes and try to look for that person you fell in love with the first time. i am sure beneath all the tensions and everything else going on, you will find that person still waiting for you right there with same look in their eyes that had you hooked the first time!!!! (cuz like it or not, all of us cant be amnesiac)

the friend

2010-05-17T00:05:00.001+05:30

DISCLAIMER- this post is totally a work of fiction and has no truth behind it, but anyone who can even remotely relate to the piece of art, is welcome to share their views. proceed at your own risk!!!

(you have been warned)

i hate romantic books cuz they make me feel weird. but i love romantic movies. they have a different feel to them. and almost all the movies of this genre seem to have one thing in common, i mean almost all, The Friend. there is always this ridiculously handsome guy who is great and always has an easy way with women. he meets and parts ways with them. love comes and goes from his life and everything goes on. but all this time, there is one person who stays. thats The Friend. sometimes she is in the backdrop and sometimes she is the main protagonist. but the point is that for that guy, she is always this constant presence that he barely recognizes. she is with him through all the love ties he has but she is someone who is taken for granted by the man she not only loves but who happens to be her best friend, which in my dictionary, stakes higher than love. to hell with the fact that sometimes she may get her love in the end and sometimes she may not. thats for the director to decide. but no one seems to notice her pain and feelings of all those years that are stuck up and she has made through her life with them. she sees him fall for someone, smiles indulgently when he declares he is in love with her, looks upon with painful pleasure when he decides to live happily ever after with that other girl ( mostly a hot blonde chick) and is there when he comes back heart broken. she looks after him, mends his heart painstakingly and makes it capable of loving someone again. but for what? just so that he can go out and give it to someone else. and it doesnt matter how many times this happens before the guy realizes that she is the one! i am not talking about the consequences here, i am talking about the painful process.

who says a girl and a boy can't be just friends? i am a *the friend* and, honestly, i am tired of it. i am tired of listening other people talk about their love lives, through their break ups and make ups. i am tired of helping him out pick up the right present, the correct venue for her surprise party, of listening him babble continuously about her. i dont want to be just 'the friend' any more. i want to be more. i want to be special someone for somebody, i want to be someone that somebody waits for, not someone who waits with him for someone else and fades into the darkness of background once she arrives. i want be the subject of someone's dreams not someone who gets a detailed commentary of the dream which was all about her. i want to be the destination, not the path leading up to it...

blogsville...

2010-04-17T19:12:00.000+05:30

okay, so i have been gone from this place for quite some time now, not that someone sat and noticed. but the thing is i actually ran out of any stuff to talk about. the urge to write was gone. and even though i tried hard, i just couldnt come up with anything. and if it had come down to trying to write, i was missing the whole point anyway. so i gave up.

recently, when i finally decided that it was time for me to get back in this world, i started working on it. i went through different pages in a hope to be able to find something that would strike a chord and something would stir. so numerous posts, countless words and unimaginable comments later here i am actually writing a post. something did strike a chord after all. and that happened to be the blogsville itself. while i was rummaging through different people's thoughts, poking my nose somewhere, a finger here, an eye there, the thing that struck me the most was the magnanimity of this whole thing. i realized, for the first time actually, what a real cool place this is. unlike the real world, there is a space for everyone to be themselves. there is a hopeless variety of webpages here. someone is talking about their daily life, someone is writing stories, someone is putting up serious questions to think about, someone is being funny, someone is teaching is vocabulary and someone else just being here. no one really knows anyone else here. most people dont even know the real names of people they have met and befriended here. they have never seen each other and yet they are more real than the 'real' world out there in many forms.

some to think of it, it is an interesting spot. you can talk about your heartaches, bitch about your boss, talk about your crush, crack jokes, write funny stories etc etc etc. you could be anyone during the day but here, you can be yourself, if you choose to be. you dont have to pretend to like anything just for sake of it, no need to put up with stuff tat you dont like. you could be in a boring marketing job or have to sit and stare at numbers whole day long to make a living- but when you are here, you can be a kid, an intellectual, the prankster, the funny guy, the witty one, the storyteller, the english teacher or anyone else you want to be. it is all about you and thats gotta be different from the rest of the stuff.

it was not intended to be a post, not that it is actually. only that while thinking about all sorts of things i could write about to actually come back here, i realized for the first time what had i been missing on all these days. i am glad i realized that. so cheers to all bloggers, who like me, know about the real worth of this virtual world.

all i can say is, its such a bliss to be back!! ;)

get.set.go.

2010-01-16T17:43:00.002+05:30

okay, its been around 15 days since i came back and i am fairly late in posting. but still, better late than never!!!
anyhow, well, we had htis little educational tour thingy this semester (only god knows what was so educational about it!!!) and i was anxious!! yes. okay, i have done my bit of travelling and its not like i was leaving my house for the first time or something yet something bothered me. whenever i thought of 15 days i would have to be away from house, i could never think of fun or good time with friends. it was always with some anxiety (as a result of which my mum had a real clean house, refer to last post for better understanding) but as you can see, a fortnight later, i am still in hangover of that trip. needless to say, i had an awesome time!!!!!!!!!!!!

well, our journey started on a cold jan morning and me crying. yes, i cried before leaving the house (okay, laugh all u want to. so did my sis!!!!) but still, i did. i barley let go of my dad (go on, laugh a bit more). well, we rolled into a sleepy start and before we knew, all of us were having a blast together.
a six hour journey to delhi went in a blink of eye!!! some waiting and we were on our way to hyderabad!! visiting various spots in hyderabad like the film city, golconda fort, char Minar, NTR garden, birla temple, and many more places that i do not remember right now. a two day stay there went by in a firenze with almost no sleep, lots of travelling, shouting and laughing!!!

next stop was bangalore. after an overnight journey where none of us really had any rest, we reached bangalore which was pleasantly cold after hyderbad's hot weather. although that was just a misunderstanding. two hours into the city and we were beaten in bangaluru's heat!! although, rain came as a pleasant surprise in evening and we all were soaked. running across on roads, in rain, was a first time for me and i daresay, i enjoyed it!!! :P

bangaluru led to mysore which was just as pleasant although i have to admit, i dont remember much of it (except that one of my fav pics was in mysore!! ;) ) a blur of a day in mysore and we moved to ooty. which was freakingly cold. atleast it felt that way after three hot cities. a nice cup of ooty's special tea, lots of shopping, some racket on roads later, we felt very much at ease with this 'queen of hills' town of south!! a night in ooty, with campfire, lots of dancing and singing, we faced an entire day of travelling. back to bangaluru from ooty to take train to goa. 9 hours or something by bus, an entire night's journey in train, and another three or four hours drive and we reached panaji!! goa turned out to be better than i had ever imagined!!!! sunny, sandy and water!!!! i loved it!!!! goa's cruise, beaches, people, drinks, everything about it was awesome!!!!! i dont think we could have had a better place to welcome 2010 than goa. crazy parties, dancing and hell lot of fun!!!!!!!

and then, we moved onto our last spot-- amchi mumbai!!!
to tell the truth, i was very sceptical about the city due its sheer size. but i have to say, i was more than pleasantly surprised to be there. i fell in love with that place. we spent entire two days on roads (we had a hotel, ofcourse. i meant traveling) looking at mumbai in all its glory... juhu beach, marine drive, elephanta caves, essel world, fashion street, the Gateway, the Taj, bandra. kolaba, khar etc etc etc. names i had just heard before, i saw them now and i have to say, mumbai was warmer than i had thought (and i dont mean weather)..

and before we knew, it was time to come back. we took our last train to bring us back home. but it wasnt the end. i would say our journey backhome was one of the best parts of the entire trip. main attraction, friends,of course. on our way back, we did some talking. no actually a lot of talking. for 20 hours straight- nothing but talking. discussing every possible thing in the world, knowing each other for the first time!!

you see, thats wat my biggest fear was. what was i gonna do with people i had spent past three years with but barely knew. but iam glad i went ahead with this thing cuz now i know them real good. i have friends now, real good friends, people i didnt even know existd before are now important to me. and i usually take time making friends!!! so thats saying some thing!
i dunno which part of these 15days was educational but i did learn a lot. i learnt how toplay cards, and manygames at that, i learnt how to carry heavy luggage on stations, i learnt how to adjust with someone who doesnt feel same way as me about the air conditioning of the room, how to manage money without losing it, how to have lots of fun with new people and .....
how to move on and........

make new friends!!!!

its clean up time!!!

2009-12-18T19:15:00.001+05:30

okay, so with my exams over, there is so much to do yet i cant start. well, just dazed with so much of time after ages!!! anyway, well, just as last exams are hardest to study for and your mind tends to waver to every possible nook of the world other than the text in front of you, my eyes went around my room and i realized it looked a little short of Neanderthals' caves!

well,i had been living in it, with same condition for past one month but you see, i have this habit. wenever i am anxious, i clean. mess starts to bother me, although i might claim the same mess to be part of my room ten minutes ago! so as u can guess, i was anxious.

this is a habit i picked up i dunno when. before i knew, i was scrubbing my worries away! more was the anxiety, greater was scrubbing and rubbing and varnishing!! i forgot to mention this thing in that list of seven things about myself that no one knew. well, yeah, no one knew about this habit which was such a 'bliss' in disguise! think about it, you are worried, you clean, you feel better and your room's cleaner!!
untill....

until the day my mum found out about it. now, any mum would be pleasantly surprised to see her not-so-tidy kid clean up. constant pestering, a little too many praises and one bright radiant smile and i gave in.
mum: oh, u are cleaning! that is so ...
me: unusual
mum: yeah. and great too.
me: well, ma to tell the truth, i was cleaning cuz i felt terrible and cleaning makes me feel better.
pause
mum: oh..

well, ever since then, this little secret activity of releaving my tension didnt remain , well, a secret. soon, my entire clan knew about it.my mum, u'd expect she'd be glad about occasional cleaning i got down to doing. but somehow, the whole thing was so much more amusing to her than i had thought..

me: with a rag in my hand.
mum: what are you up to?
me: nothing. just that stain on mirror was bugging me.
mum: whats wrong?
me: nothing ma.
mum: looks suspiciously then leave the rag alone and go watch t.v.
now thats got to be first time in history that a mom, no, my mom asked me to quit cleaning and watch T.V. :O
but that happened.
me: etching to clean the stain, i tried to leave the room. but when has a mom given up.
mum: grabs the rag.
me: alright!! stop pestering me! i had a fight with dipti! jeez, ma, umust have been on CIA's interrogation team sometime!!!
mum: smiling all over

as if that wasnt enough, there is more.

akshay: hey sis, how is it going?
me: great!
akshay: coming today, right?
me:yeah, ofcourse.
akshay: how u feeling?
me: perfect
akshay: oh
me: why??? *very suspicious*
akshay: oh well, my room's all messy!
dial tone.....

me: looking at the messy tableon my room real closely.
sis: wats up?
yeah, my family is always around to ask 'wats up"
me: nope, nothing. going back to my work.
sis: looks like someone's upset!
me: smacking my head looks like someone talked to mom!
sis: smiling all over

well, here is this last instance, wen i knew i couldnt take it another bit. i knew i had had enough of jokes, and poking at my silly habit.

me: scrubbing refrigerator
dad: hey, where i that... why are you rubbing this thing?
me: shit! nothing dad. just like that. it was dirty.
dad: looks at me suspiciouly....
dad: okay. go on, but first help me find my glasses!
me: phew!!!!
moving over to help him find his glasses on his head!!!
you see, my dad isnt part of my mom and sisters' gang, being the odd one out!!!

well, no surprise, i gave up that habit or so they think! i still clean wen tensed. i mean, honestly people, this is probably one good habit i have and i wont give it up cuz my mum finds it amusing! i wil fight back!
my fight for my rights to vent my feelings in watever weird way i'd like to! even if that means i do it secretly now!!!
thats my own little rebellion...

where are all the Indians!!!

2009-12-07T19:21:00.000+05:30

alright, i am gonna get straight to the topic since i am so in a no-nonsense mood.. anyone would be, being stuck in their house for three whole days, with nothing to do but study, of course, worry about the exams that might never happen and a stupid curfew.
yes, its third day today and a fourth one of similar nature is almost sure. and for all those who dont know wat am i talking about, i am talking about the aggressive situation building up in Punjab. what started as a minor rift between cops and some people became a big protest including firing, tear gas, swords(yes swords) and what not. people have dies, many have been injured and yet the situation seems on verge of going out of hands..
i am not going to get into 'why cant govt do something about it' or 'what are the police doing' crap cuz they have nothing to do with it. if things are going bad or have gone bad in past, thats cuz we let them.

i wonder, when has India been a country?? its always been in bits-sometimes called provinces, sometimes colonies, sometimes castes and sometimes states. but never a nation as a whole. and who is responsible for tearing it apart every single day even without their knowledge- us of course. we are doing it, every day, ever moment and dont even know about it.
why cant we let humans be humans alone?? why do they have to come so many tags? is being an Indian or above all a human not enough?? if classification's what we are looking for, go look humans up in any biology book. you'd find classification long and complex enough to satisfy your whims.
please let people be!!!! states, castes, races, areas, religion, majority, minority- name it and we have a way to divide ourselves...
i dont get it at all!!!! i mean, here we are, sitting inour homes, terrified,somewhat yes, wondering wats going to happen.
forget about the ethics, if you wanna talk present, think about all the economy thats suffering and that suffers each time an Indian decided to flare his sword at another Indian, think of lives that are disrupted each time we decide to weaken ourselves in name of whatever is the latest trend!!!!

tell me one part of this secular, proud-of-its-diversity-of-religions country that has not bled in name of communalism!!! Mumbai, Delhi, Punjab, Gujarat, Jammu and Kashmir- which not!!!!

come on guys, what are we doing??!! what are we waiting for? no one is gonna tell us to stop doing it until we do it ourselves. there is not going to be any divine intervention cuz all the divinity is wasted on making us humans-something we are definitely not good at!!!!!!!
lets not wait for another 1984, 26/11, or another 50 years of terrified Kashmir.
honestly, i could go on and on about this. this is a sort of wrath i have never felt before, and i get angry a lot!!!!!! so thats saying something...
i have said all i had to, okay maybe bits of it. but is anyone listening???

my first tag!!!

2009-12-05T20:03:00.001+05:30

alright, now i can do this tag. cant tell you how glad i am to be able to do this. think i am over reacting, naah!! look from my side of world, it is a big deal!!!!
anyways, coming back to the tag, seven things no one knows about me. so here they go...

1. i do lot of self talking, and not mental talk. i mean a full dialogue, aloud sometimes, sometimes not. and this has earnt me quite some stares, weird looks, pointing and some sniggers too. but, cant help it. so ppl either back off or just laugh your way away! i dont give a damn!

2. i have only had chocolate as an ice cream flavour my entire life. believe it or not, but its true. never even tasted strawberry, vanilla covers dipped in choco sauce, black currant never! yes ofcourse, chocolate varies in types- choco chip, almond, nuts or plain. but that was implied, wasnt it!

3. i can never stay awake past eleven. and if i do, i get hungry around 11:30, without fail. no matter wen i had my dinner, last snack or anything. past eleven, i am bound to get hungry once!

4.i genuinely feel i do a great job at containing my temper. i wish my sis would believe it but she doesnt. trust me wen i say,if i said aloud all the things that went through my mind, i would be a lot less liked person. but since no one can know wat goes on between me and my prick of a conscience, no one would believe me! hmph!

5. i went up to my principal once and told him his latest found style of moustache doesnt suit him much. and believe it or not, he got rid of it the next day. i am telling this here cuz as much i would have liked to be known for such heroic act, i was lost as just a friendly student who had courage to tell her princi about his bad style. and that too went to my sir's credit for making his students so comfortable with him. no hard feelings, i just want the world to know that i am that heroic girl!!!

6. alright, this is good one. i was genuinely surprised to see myself in the mirror for the first time!! (as a little kid, ofcourse) now i am pretty used to the same face. but it had been quite a surprise for the first time. dont ask me how i remember wat it was like wen i saw myself for the first time in mirror, i wont tell that!!!!!! ;)

7.alright, i dont have a 7th point. but i have already blurted out too much. i don think you guys could take any more of secret unravelling s!!!

so people, now you know so much more!!!! cheer up, guys, this is a privilege and not everybody gets it!!!!!!

so now as per the rules, i have to tag 7 more people but i really cant think of 7 people. so as a cheat code, i am gonna ask just 4 ppl!
Bluntedges- i think he has a great sense of humour. i love his style of writing, conversational and casual. thats the kind i like to read.

Apparently intellectual- doesnt make sense to tag her cuz i do know a lot about her already. but this for sake of other readers!! (see my halo??? )

Hary- i really like the way he writes, his comments are genuine and well, among the first ones. and in my dictionary, that means a lot. so write away, hary! m waiting!

Multimenon- he writes well and it would be fun to know his secrets!!

i would have liked to tag Annie, but since she's already been tagged, she could skip this one from me!!!
so people, write away. let your friends know all your (atleast 7) of your deepest darkest secrets!!! so lucky ppl, here are the rules-

1) List 7 things about yourself that nobody know.

2) Pass on this award to 7 other people.

3) Comment on their blog and let them know that they are tagged.

(excuse the copy paste job!! :) jeez, i am in a good mood)

paths long lost

2009-12-04T21:24:00.000+05:30

she was tapping the steering wheel. it was a nuisance of a habit, especially when she was anxious and no mater how much she tried to contain herself, the anxiety was too much to hold. it was a short drive and she didnt know if that bothered her more or made things better for her. jeez, it had been long. almost ten months. she hadnt seen him, not heard from him until the previous week and today, all of a sudden, she was gonna meet him. she had fantasised about this moment for ages and when finally that moment came, she had no clue if she was happy, worried, anxious, tensed or any other emotion cuz somehow whatever she was going through at that moment, she had never felt before.

she stopped at a signal. waiting impatiently, she got thinking about the day when she met him for the first time. that first time and she was smitten. initially it had felt like a simple urge to be someone's friend, then as to friend's teasings, it became a 'crush'. but she had no clue, when in all those years, that little spot of concern changed to love. she remembered the first time she realised she was in love. she had been scared. love had not felt anything like it shud have. no violins, no sunny days, no daisies and butterflies, no constant smile on hre face. nothing at all! if anything, love was constant trial for her, constant pain, constant effort. something was wrong somewhere obviously, but she never let her mind to much talking when it came to him. and her heart, well, it always got her into trouble.
even that day, when he got mad at her, left her, wished she had never come into his life while she prayed all day to be able to be a part of his life forever, even that day, all her heart did was cry for him, not because of him. yes, her heart always got her into trouble.
she wondered, if todays was gonna be similar. but turning all those thoughts aside, she felt today wont be the same. today everything was going to be different, today she would get to say all that she had wanted to say for five years. yes, five long years, she had kept this to herself, through his relationship and breakup with other people, all that time her heart had been yearning for him. but today, she was gonna tell him ho wmuch she loved him, she still loved him and always will. and even though over last couple of months she had convinced herself to the contrary, last week, his very name on phone brought back emotions like swarms of flies. yes, today was finally gonna be a happy moment.

cars behind her were honking like crazy. signal had turned green and people were beginning to wonder that the driver had fainted or something. she hurriedly moved on, mumbling apologies. outside the cafe, she checked herself in the mirror twice, cut off the engine and sat in car quietly. this was it. and yet it didnt feel like that. her heart was going crazy, er crazier. for one wild moment, she wanted to turn away and run. but her feet ditched her. love was too powerful. what was going through her mind, she had no clue. where was she going, she had no clue either. she wasnt aware of her surroundings, of anyone except that face she wanted to look at for so long now, that face which she was sure would smile to look at her. how could it now, he sounded genuinely excited to meet her, desperate, happy. apologetic for his behaviour, probably not. but she didnt want that either. being able to see him again was too much for her.
and finally she saw him. sitting at corner table, in that peach shirt, he looked just like he did ten months ago. it had been so long and yet didnt feel that way. this was crazy. this didnt make any sense. he looked up and a smile cracked on his face, she smiled back. her heart melted sooner than ice cream on a hot june day at sight of that smile. what followed was bizarre. one moment she was smiling, next mo, she wanted to cry. she was totally out of her mind. perhaps she hadnt brought her mind with her. made sense, it was heart;s job, mind was not needed!!! he stood up as she reached the table, with a warm handshake. unsure what to say. she didnt know what would take him aback less- 'i missed u like crazy, dont ever leave me again' or 'i love you like crazy, dont ever leave me again'. they both just looked at each other. alright, she couldnt contain it any longer. 'um, p....' before she could say his name, he stood up. she looke up to see.
before she could gather her senses, he said, 'you are late, as usual!!!! by the way, meet her. this is payal, my friend from school, best friend from school! and payal, meet her. she is rohini, my girlfriend. love of my life!'

she wasnt sure about next but somewhere a glass shattered....

P.S. extremely sorry for such a long post. if there are people who left midway, i understand. although you wont be able to see my apology either. good/bad attempt, i dunno. just wanted to write it. and since i have already written such a long post, i guess i don not really deserve to bore people with a tag that is my first one, thanks to our very dear Buckingfastard. maybe next time!!! :)

P.P.S. sorrry for equally long P.S.

quiditch!!

2009-11-04T21:44:00.000+05:30

okay, i know the title says quiditch, so for all the HP fans who came here expecting something in that regard, my apologies. but since you are here, might as well go ahead....
well, anyone who has read or seen HP book/movie knows about Harry's passion for his game. but he'd also know of Ron's plight of having a super famous friend as best buddy. sometimes it was cuz Harry had a reason for being so famous, but at other times, it was plain, well, umm i dont know, hype perhaps.. alright, i am not here to disect HP series. my point is that i kinda understand wat Ron wud have felt like living constantly in shadow of a friend who was, alright, better than him, but at times, didnt deserve everything he got. especially when he was trying to make it in Quiditch(see, my title had some relation with the post!! )
well, my point here is that i know wats its like living with a famous friend.. i did it in school for four long years. and now, its again the same story.. maybe i have a knack for attracting really famous people [8)]. but it has its negatives too.. you have friends who u meet after ages and they might forget to ask u how r u doing, but they sure wont forget to ask 'so wats up with her???' God, if thats how interested u were in her, shud've made an effort to keep in touch. i was on verge of putting my status 'I shall not entertain any queries about another soul. kindly look for some other source!!'

however infuriated i might sound though, surprisingly thats not the thing bugging me right now. wats bugging me is the fact that most people around us are gripped by feeling of partiality. u have had it in favour of u, u have had it against u, u have done it yourself and u have hated it a gazillion times in ur life. yet, we face it everyday. and it especially hurts when it happens somewhere u are doing well, or atleast trying your best to do u rbest. and wen u see people still liking another person cuz they know them from before, they are friends with them or worst of all, they are prettier, it boils my blood!!! thats one thing i hate in life!!! i hate partial favouritist $#%&*@#!

well, i guess, of all the things u cant change about life, this is one of them too!!! but if i cud have it my way, i wud tell all those people to get a life and look at things with wider perspective and get their issues straight!!!

too many questions!!!

2009-10-16T21:53:00.000+05:30

i have been away from the blogger world for quite some time now! no,it wasnt anywriters' block neither was it the fact that i was totally ground in work.. i just didnt have any inclination to write.. not that anyone was asking me about it, i am still saying it cuz i wanna say it... these past days have been weird, full of ups and downs.. sometimes too much to do, sometimes nth at all!!! sometimes its a full show and sometimes kinda lonely.. thats life summed up but on my part, it was just a summary of these last few days.. over this past time, there are certain things about myself and people around me that i have realised.. i realised how little allthose people i thought knew me, actually know me.. i also realised how difficult it is for me to tlak about myself. i realised it is easy to be lonely even wen u have loads of people around you...

along with these realisations, there were questions that i came up with.. actually questions came up to me.. and now, i cant get them outta my head.
* is it too much to expect someone to understand things you cant say?

*is it too bad a thing to be not able to say things u wanna say???

*is it okay to be lonely even though you have world's most wonderful friends?

*is it alright to be sad for things u have no clue about, reasons you dont know and things you cant explain?

*is it alright to not wanna meet people, people who love youand you know it?

*is it okay to worry about someone else's share of life??

*is it okay to laugh on outside wen your heart iis crying from within??

*is it okay to wanna run away from eth, shut your self in a room and never wanna come out of it?

*is it okay to still love someone you had wanted to let go off ages ago??

God, this list is endless...... as u people must have known by now, this is not a happy post. i dont know people, it just isnt..and yeah, sth is definitely bugging me, i just dont know wat is it!!! and no, it isnt a heart ache post about how i am still not over someone.... that might be a component but thats definitely not the whole thing...

just dont know..
all i can think of right now is the famous lines..

har kisi ko mukammal jahan nahi milta,
kisi ko zameen kisi ko asmaan nahi milta...

The secret

2009-09-24T22:45:00.000+05:30

would you like to be the secret of someone's life!!???

Just popped into my head while iw as flipping through channels....

cupid, i dont like u much!!!

2009-09-22T22:52:00.000+05:30

okay, the title may sound weird at first but trust me, i am a normal girl with no qualm whatsoever with love and associated feelings. infact, i would love to fall in love one day, like all other fellow human beings out there. but yeah, there is somethng in this relation that i do not like. what i don tlike is the initial phases of a thing, just when feelings ae kindling up, just when you are beginning to realise about your feelibgs for someone. call me weird, but thats how it is....
i hate having a crush on someone!!!! i do, i really do!!! okay, to have someone you think about often, which might give you incentive towards something might sound like just added advantages to the fact the your heart is warming up to someone and opening itself to new vistas of life, right? no!!i doesnt.not to me anyway!. what i think of having crush on someone is that you become constantly aware of someone's presence or absence. what they or how they behave becomes so much more important than it is.you start evaluating their every action with much more detail, much more than you do yours!!!! everything you do, somehow tracks youback to the thought that how might that action of yours affect that person!! now comeon, how well have you done on your exam, tht could not, in whole wide world, affect your crush's feelings. but no, thought is a far fetched thing during that phase of life.
and dont even get me started on what happens when the person u have a crush is in the same room as you. besides the usual tripping, just cuz you were not apying attention to where you were going(do i need to elaborate what were you doing when u werent watching your step!!!), making a fool of yourself in front of an entire room full of people and ofcourse that one blessed read darn soul too, your walk is altered, you cant walk straight neither can keep a straight face even if you are trying your level best to ignore snide remarks or sniggers of your friends at your altered attitude and ofcourse previous tripping session. work at hand seems so less important once that person walks in and yet you try, maybe not frantically, but in subtle ways to work it out in such a way that your crush will notice you. pretty dumb, huh?? not to someone who's been smitten by the love bug!! constant teasing , constant poking, constant craning of neck to see where that one person is, constant loss of attention in your conversation cuz your ears are trying to pick up fragements of conversation going on in other part of room-this is all a part of package deal of CRUSH!!!

but more than all these things what i hate the most about having a crush on someone tht it ruins your chances of having an issueless friendship with someone. and if you, somehow, develop a crush for a friend, well, in some part of wrold that might be a happy scenario, but not in my nook of univrese. i think having feelings associated with a friend complicated matters more than you sign up for.. it does affect friendship somewhere. the pangs of jealousy when your friend mentions othre people, a constant joke of finding each other a corresponding girlfriend/boyfriend starts hurting you when it shouldnt. objectivity goes away from what you say to them and how they respond to your things!!
although crush in itself sounds bad to me, even worse situation is, yes there is a worst case scenario, is when you cant pluck enough courage to tell that person how much he/she means to you. you stand there, waiting for them to somehow seee things you cant bring yourself up to say, for watever reasons. and when they dont, all you are left with is a hurt heart, bruised dignity and a throbbing toe!!

and yet you cant help the stupid thing!! you cant help the warmth that comes to your face when you see that person, you cant suppress the smile when that one person throws back his/her head to laugh at a joke!!! you cant, you just cant help it at all!!!! see what a vicious circle it is!!!
no wonder i hate it!!!

P.S. all the above mentiopned conditions are a result of my case studies on specimens of species homo sapiens going through this condition at some point of time. any resemblance with any person, known or unknown, is purely coincidental. no section of this writing bears any connection to the author except the fact that she thought of all the wonderfull words in her own little head!!

hey guys, wait up!!

2009-09-12T11:19:00.003+05:30

she was standing looking out of window of her 34th floor corner office, lost in thought. she had just recvd a letter from her school, god , that was ages ago!!, notifying her abt the ten year reunion. that was odd. just wen life ha dmoving at such a fast pace, wen ties with the old world were as good as broken, this came as a weird surprise. good or bad, she didnt know but this got her thinking.. memories that had been locked up in some box stirred, raised their heads and made their presence felt after wat felt like an eternity......

it was a normal morning. but she woke up dreading every single moment.it was her last official day at school. with their exams over, this was one last day, a day of party at school. yes, their school was giving a party,a farewell party. since it was gonna be a day of fun, wat with exams finally over, she felt she cud spare a moment of relief but somehow that was exactly wat she wasnt feeling. her last two years at school had been full of tumult. with tests, deadlines, assignemnts, more tests, tensions all the time to give it ur all, make it to the best place , life had been one bumpy ride. but even amongst all the tyranny, these two years meant more to her than her entire school life put together.cuz while life was throwing volley of troubles at her, she had found wat she had been looking for her entire life- her frnds!!!!!
just wen she was thinking of her life over past two years, she heard her mom calling,"c'mon sakshi, wake up. madhu is on line". then thinking of all those ppl, she felt that eth wasnt over, she had no reason to be sad, not yet!!!
" hey sakshi. u were asleep???" asked madhu inher excited tone. "naah, i was just up. so tell me, wassup?" said sakshi, still half asleep. "okay, actually i wanted to tell u that we all are gathering upat vinisha's house. u be there by ten. and then we will all go together. and also please bring along some red accessories. i dont really have nay good ones. are u okay?? u sound depressed" said madhu. that was her. she was the one who alwys made plans, informed everyone and was first one to sense someone's bad mood. " naah naah, m fine. i just woke up so thats y i might be sounding like that. i will be there on time and will get watever i have to match ur dress. see ya." said sakshi and she hung up.
"helllo aunty, is everyone here?? is vinisha ready??" asked sakshi as she entered vinisha's house, a little late but still within time limits. "hello sakshi.almost evryone is here. but vinisha, well... she is a differnet story, u know her too well. she just got up." said vinisha's mom. smiling, sakshi went in, only to find mehak screaming at top of her voice " how can u not be ready by now?? u just got up??? now plz hurry up. we are all already late. where is pankhudi??? she is always late. comeon ppl, we cant be late to our own farewell party. thats y i said let everyone be ready by nine. tabhi tum log dus baje tak ready hote..." glad that she, atleast was just a bit out of time slot, sakshi went into the room. minutes went by, and soon pankhudi shuffled into the room."late as usual, arent u??" fumed mehak. "yaar my kinetic. it was puncturd. at last min i got my brother to get it repaired. then the traffic, u know na. sorry." rambled pankhudi, knowin her effort was futile since everyone knew y exactly was she late. she, like vinisha, must have woken up late and then spent hours trying to decide wat to wear etc etc etc." yaar sakshi, are my hair okay?? i dont think so. can sth be done now?? i am not looking too good, am i? i am looking alright, haina?" asked pankhudi trying to fix her hair. "u look great pankhudi" said madhu. " nahi, i dont think so. i think m lookiing a bit blown away." replied pankhudi. " wat?" asked madhu and sakshi together. mehak was too busy fuming and supreet was trying to calm her down. "yeah, blownaway. as in, udi udi. dont u think so??" she said, with a perfectly straight face and then broke into a laughter which continued for some good ten minutes, going from a smile to silent giggles which ended in just her moving crazily with no audible sound coming out to ensure if she was laughing or just choking. finally wen she calmed down, ppl knew, it was just her old hysterical laughter. soon they all got dressed and made it to the spot in time.

party was going on. everyone was having time of their lives."hey guys, lets go see our classroom" suggested sakshi. just as the song was changing. evryone was panting from an hour of dancing, looking flushed but exhilarated all the same. everyone agreed. so they all made their way to their classroom.all went in there. this room had given them some real good and bad memories. " vinisha remember how we always ate our lunch in our botany period on that last bench?" said madhu, smiling. "yeah. and remember wen once we were midway our bag of chips, mam asked me a ques and i had to answer!!" replied vinisha, reliving that moment. "i still dont know how u managed it!!!" said sakshi. " pooch mat yaaar!!" said vinisha. " arrey this chutki is much more shaani than she looks" said madhu, broadly grinning now. mehak said, "remember that time wen ur phone rang in the class, sakshi!! i still remmebr look on goldie's face!!" goldie was their physics teacher and happened to be in class at time of that incident. his name wasnt really goldie. but somehow this nickname had beaten him in reaching the school. "but he was really nice yaaar." said pankhudi, after she had controlled her silent giggles, as usual!!" u know madhu, i didnt really like u in beginning. i mean, i used to think u were mean and a bighead" said sakshi, kina confessing."wat?? really??" said madhu, amazed. "u know sakshi, i felt that way abt u. i had even heard ppl talking that u were this big head, pain in the ass." butt in pankhudi, with a wicked smile. "now u r kidding, arent u?? " replied sakshi."m telling plain truth." said pankhudi with innocence to beat a three a year old's. "well, in my defence, now u all know how deceptive looks can be" said sakshi, indignanatly. "thats y i never blv mehak wen she says she sayd she is not mad at us and puts up a matching look cuz i know, looks are deceptive!!" said supreet, grinning from ear to ear. they all roared in laughter, with mehak joining in!!! that was one good moment togehter.
shortly they heard sounds outside the room and knew it was time for princi's speech. so all left the room. sakshi, deep in her thoughts didnt realise everyone had left. she was still thinking abt how that room had changed her life, cuz that was where she had met every single one of the souls that were her treasure now!!! she looke darnd to find herself alone in room. she ran after her frnds, calling 'hey guys, wait up1!!"

sakshi stirred, as if rising from a dream. it was nth short of that. thought of times wen she was with those ppl felt nth else but a dream which was lost now. but the letter in her hand reminded her, the dream wasnt lost, not yet!!!
she made her way to her school. it felt weird. she hadnt been back to the place in ten years. place where she had got virtually her entire education, god, how had it changed. but she wondered if sth of the old buillding wud be retained. most of it had been changed indeeed. reception was much more fancy, gate was much more intimidating, none of the faces looked familiar. eth looked alien and aloof. before she knew, teras were streaming out of her eyes, wondering how much had changed in all these years, worrying if ath wud be same, wondering if anyone wud be same. as she was walking, she saw a familiar corridor and walked along it, forgetting abt the main event going on in the hall. it looked familiar although a lot had been changed here too. paint was different, posters were changed, names of defaulters on notice board were different. she stopped to read some of them and came across goldie's name. god, he was still here!!! maybe he had changed a lot too. wondering if he wud even remember her after so long time, she made a mental note to meet himlater. she proceeded and then, sth more than familiar reached her ears. those were voices she had been yearning to hear like forever now.. with quicker steps, voices growing louder and louder, she made her way to the room. as she took the turn, her heart beating madly within her, she caught the sight she had not thought she wud see in her living moment ever again. as she stopped at the door, five pairs of eyes turned to look at her. her heart skipped a beat. and came back with energy more than she cud handle. the joy was sth she had thought she was incapable of feeling. she had no clue her heart cud show emotions of such magnitude.they were all sitting casually on benches, "we were wondering wat kept u. i was beginning to think u wudnt come at all!!" said vinisha.she was still the same, much older, yes. but still little and blv it or not, she still had her pony tail!!! " i knew u wud come. i kept telling them u wudnt misss it for the world!!" said madhu, as she came forward to hug her. they all came together. god, that was a moment which writers over ages have described as wen the world comes to a standstill. they all felt nth else but the sensation of trembling body next to them, of tears streaming from each eye, of every smile which was curling arnd corners of lips now since the tearful part was over. "i guess we shud go meet the rest of the ppl too. and lets go to my house after this. afterall, our farewell started from my house and our reunion shud involve my house too. wat say??" said vinisha, wiping her face of tears worth ten years. everyone nodded. they all started going out of the room. sakshi was left behind looking for her tissue.

she turned arnd to find her alone in the room. all had left to meet others. thinking things cudnt have changed that much afterall, she rushed after them, smiling all over, calling "hey guys, wait up!!!"....

whats with life??

2009-09-11T18:14:00.000+05:30

having been confided in my house for an entire day due to rain, i had nth better to do than to lie arnd, try to sleep which i cudnt cuz my sister wudnt let me( god knows y!!! she has her exam tomorrow and acc to her my staying awake somehow helps her study better!!!! *rolls eyes* yeah she is the same one i baked cake for. guess its time for revenge!), no tv to watch cuz my dad's been going on with his cricket :( and nth much to do here wither. so story cut short, i had nth better to to so i did some thinking. serious intellectual thinking. and the conclusions i came up with havent really made me too happy.

the thing is, i have had a very average life all this time. i mean like forever!!! nth in my life has evr been extraordinary, out of proportions...
see, i live in a nation which is neither too poor, nor too rich, neither too weak, nor too strong. somewhere in the middle, right? no offence to all the patriots out there. i love my country just as much as u do but thats a reality. and its not like its bad or sth. just plain truth. my state, punjab is again, neither too rich nor too poor, neither too backward nor too developed. hence again, average. agreed?
my city, ludhiana is just the same. do u want me to repeat the lines?? u get the general idea, dont u? hence, proved yet again, average!! no offence to anyone, but thats true.. that was scene at large. even in my personal life, i have had eth lying somewhere in the middle. just abt average. average looking, average student, average player, average average average!! god, that word sounds weird now!!1
the reason i am ranting abt it all is that i got to thinking that wat if all my life is gone living this way? average way, i mean. i have big plans for life, i want to achieve a lot of stuff. i have dreams i want fulfilled and lemme tell u, not all of them are just abt average!

when i was a kid, somehow i developed a view abt life that was a bit different from the real world. as i grew, one after another of my many perceptions shattered. so now that i am onto all the thinking, i was wondering wat if all my perceptions for my future crumble to ground just like they did in past? i know having my dreams come true depends on me, depends on wen i wake up but i am a firm believer of fate, karma and god. i do blv god always has a bigger plan, a better perspective, a higher approach. i mean,, who else, if not him!
god, i dont even know where m i going with this>??? this is just a lot of random thoughts thrown in together, i guess. but the bottom line is, i got myself doubting which aint no good! but yeah, its truth all the same. maybe i got doubts written all over me, atleast for now, but i do know one thing for sure, i wont give up without a fight. i will try. i have tried in the past and i am sure i wont fial myself there atleast. rest of my life is a big mystery which i cant do ath abt right now. i really wanna take one day at a time but somehow, that dsnt happen to me. i like to plan, look ahead, now where m a i going with sth. probably thats y i have a serious fixation for lists. lists for wat to do, wat not to do, wat to get, wen to get, where to go etc etc etc
okay, m going really out of the way here. so going back to where i started from,
to tell the truth, i dont wanna be an average. who does!!!
for all those who made t to the end of this long jumbled piece, i cud really use some advice. to all those who cudnt, u missed ur chance to serious awakening!!!! :P

wats ur rashee???!!!

2009-09-08T23:59:00.000+05:30

okay. the thing is that after my unknown baking skills, i recently discovered i had more in me than i knew of.. like i am a good astrologer. dont u blv that??? well, my psyche just brought these predictions to my mind... bet u, they are more than accurate. check them out for urself!!!! and goodluck!

ARIES- its going to be a good week. but stay away from ppl u owe money to. cuz they are in no more mood of udhaari. kadki ho sakti hai but use ur wits and patli glai se khisak lo.

TAURUS- u have been too self centered lately. so in case u dont want to be born as a lizzard or macchar, do some good work. make someone smile. help someone who actually wants to cross a road to cross it. get the general idea na, do sth good.

GEMINI-ur colleague is probably flirting with ur boss for promotion. hurry up, act quickly. invite him to dinner if u wanna save ur ass!!!

CANCER-u r going to be more emotional than usual. so my advice is, keep ur tissue box handy. now, this doesnt mean in a bad way. tears cud be happy, sad, from cold or from onion cutting. ur horoscope says u cud have an emergency regarding tissues. so watever u do, keep them close!

LEO-it is going to be a good week. although u might fail in an exam or pick up a fight with a senior or end up being butchered by rivals at a match. other than that, u r giong to be perfectly great!!

VIRGO- the person u have had crush on for ages now, is going to ask ur best frnd out. dont blame souls. u shud have acted sooner, dhakkan!! remmeber, early bird gets the worm!!!

LIBRA- u might enter into a financial crunch soon. so if u wanna save a loving, go get back all the chawannis and atthannis ur frnds owe u. someof them may try to sneak away, but catch them before they flee! u can do it! u got to do it!

SCORPIO-for all the single scorpios, u might get lucky this week. some perfect aquarian is right there, in front of u. all u need is to let them know of ur feelings. for all those who already have one, too bad ppl. u missed ur chance!!!

SAGITTARIUS- its been long u guys looked good. so plz, for sake of humanity, take a shower atleast twice this week! winters are yet to appraoch. and kindly dont rely on monsoons to ur washing for u cuz nth in this world is for sure. so plz, move ur lazy bums and smell better!

CAPRICORN- its time for u to get a new look. look at urself from a different angle this week

AQUARIUS- a scorpion u know is falling for u. if ur single, u cud grab the chance. if u r not single, dont let ur gf/bf know of it!

PISCES- get ur phone. its going to ring in a bit. and if it dosnt, get it checked. it might be on verge of som emajor default.

happy b'day sis!!! :S

2009-08-30T20:31:00.000+05:30

it was my li'l sis;'s b'day thos gone week. and since we wanted it to be extra special, i decided to bake her a cake myself. i know, it was a big risk i was taking but then hey, big gains involve big risks. and also i had run out of my pocket money so i was totally broke and cudnt really afford a fancy cake!!! *sigh* dont tell anyone that! lets keep it a secret of our own!! anyhow, so once decided we, i mean, i wanted to bake her a cake with my own two artful hands, first prob rose-recipe!! we, i mean i, didnt have one. just wen all the hopes seemed to come crumbliing down, i remembered of one old recipe(i think it was my nani's hierarchial recipe) lying in some hidden corners of an old cuboard. so i took the mounaineous task of hunting for that little battered bit of paper. finally, braving against lurking rats, cockroaches and god knows wat other fellow inhabitants of this little world, i extracted that recipe!!
that was one rush of relief!!! huh... anyhow, so with recipe in my hand, i started gathering all the ingredients. flour,sugar,milk,cream,salt(yeah i know, i was amazed too), lemon(more amazed) and eno salt( okay maybe it wasnt my nani's hierarchial recipe or sth cuz clearly there was no eno salt back then)...
so with all my ingredients ready, i got down to an hour of mixing, measuring, spilling, remeasuring, mixing again, a bit of tripping( that has nth to do with my baking that cake but still, it was in the course so lets not forget it tooo)greasing, more mixing and then finally pouring into the pan. after an hour of struggling with these i finally put the greased shiny pan in the oven. how it gleamed after the blissful reunion( m talking abt the oven). so an hour of baking of little pan basking in glory of oven at its full magnificence, i retrieved the little thing from the oven.
oh how nice it looked..golden brown, soft, spongy and and delicious!!!!! so finally i did some fancy icing (yes ofcourse i did that!!) some cherries on the top and vola, the very masterpiece was ready to be indulged in.
after my sis over with all the rituals of making wishes adn blowing candles and cutting (quite unnecessary, if u ask me!) we all decided to dig in. i was ready to get all the compliments i deserved for my toil, to be acknowledged for my hidden talent.....
but hang on, this tastes a bit funny. is sth wrong?? or is it just me?? y does it taste like it shudnt??? i look arnd to see if others have similar expressions and, oh! is that the bowl of sugar lying unattended on the table???? :O *horror struck*

umm..

2009-08-29T23:35:00.000+05:30

gosh, its that crappy feeling again!! u r in a new place where u dunno wat to do and how to do it. not sure is it normal the way things are going!!!! shit man, its junior high all over again..

now, i know this virtual world is in ways better than the real one and yeah all the rest of the stuff too but wat i wonder is that is it normal for it to be kinda 'soona soona' initally cuz ppl, it sure is thoda 'soona soona' here!!! fingers crossed

hmmm, lets see...

what the hell happened?????

2009-08-27T22:15:00.000+05:30

i dont know wen did this happen, how did all this change occur but most importantly, why in the whole world did it have to happen???? what is freaking wrong with the life? why cudnt it be simple and easy and not wriggly and winding and dark!!!!!! wy cudnt we be kids forever wen all that matterd was homework, sham ko frnds ke saath park mein chupan chupai khelna and raat ko try and see your fav show while pretending to sleep cuz ur mummy is going berserk worrying u wont get up on time for school the next day!!!!! why did this all happen?? we grew up, had greater, much more petty but weighing things to worry abt and inadvertently went away from things that actually matterd!!!!
priorities ave changed so much in such a short span that i am amazed to know i went thru all this without even realising!! hell, we all did! and m sure we all think abt it some time, and today ismy day to ponder over it all..
life waise hi rehti to kitna maza aata!!! sunday wud have meant chocolate ice cream, raat ko aath baje wud hae meant hum paanch and biggest worry wudhave been abt how to get tail of that lion straight that i am drawing in my art class!!! but nahi, things had to complicate. living under the same roof, we had to go away from everyone who really matterd!!! shit man, things are worse than i thought!
now dont get the idea that i am this sad al the time but this stuff is impt,. we are surrounded by it al th time, the only difference is that some of us have come far enough to worry abt it anymore. but some like me are still stuck there with nowhere to go, not from this atleast!!!!

honestly, i so wish life wud be simpler again. dont u????

that one guy...

2009-08-23T14:06:00.000+05:30

he came as a breeze in my life. suddenly and unexpectedly. literally like a breath of fresh air. but his leaving took me just as much by surprise, even though before he left, i had anticipated it wud happen in a similar way ages ago! how they say realities can be stranger than fiction... *sigh*
he was never really there and yet i always felt his presence. wen he left, i didnt think much abt it but was bothered wen he came back although i wanted that to happen. wat was that feeling?? probably insanity. i dont know. i never wud. i started trusting him more than i shud have. he wasnt even mine and i knew that right from the start but i cudnt help myself falling for him more everyday.
i wud wake up hoping to hear from him, wud leave my house wishing i wud run into him. i wud beg god to let him be my frnd. and yet wen that happened, i wasnt all happy, not as much as i had thought i wud be! huh! is that normal? but i was getting sick of the feeling. so one day i decided, enough was enough. i was gonna tell him wat i felt abt him but i had my doubts alright! just wen i was going thru this internal conflict, just wen i was on brim of telling him wat he meant to me, he left! just like that. no goodbyes, no backward glances, no recollections of good times together. just gone in whiff of air.
it still bothers me to think of that, i still wish i cud see him, hear him and be his frnd again but that, i guess, nt happen....
nth is same anymore. life is different, time is different, he is different and probably i am too. but watever that is, that doesnt change the fact that even after all this story, i dont know wat is that feeling called that i had for him? love? yikes!! no way. i know its not that. cant be... a bit too strong frndship??? i doubt that too. jo bhi tha, i have no way to find it out anytime soon...

but u know wat, it doesnt matter either way cuz watever name it might get, wat ihad for him is still there and probably will always be.....

my first one

2009-08-23T13:54:00.000+05:30

well, i am here... this is a virtual world, a world of just letters and blogpages with no faces to it. but at times it can be more fulfilling than the real world or so i have heard.
its just my beginning here and i have an entire journey to start so lets see how far does this association go!

honestly saying, blogging isnt my thing. i dont know how to write funny things, make up interesting stories but then thats not all that its abt. its abt speaking ur mind and thats wat i am here to do...
although its so full of thoughts running arnd unbound that i guess, its gonna be one job to stick to one and say sth...

all i can say is, goodluck to me!